How do you feel being an aspie? Please respond

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I'm asking this because I've never met anyone else with asperger syndrome and some of the feelings I have about have been negative. But I want to hear other people's views.

I will be 18 in two months but for some reason, I feel like I have missed out a lot of things in life. I blame being an aspie for it. I never knew I had it until last January though I knew I had a pervasive development disorder due to my mom telling me. Both my parents are doctors so they would know. When I searched up more information on pdd using Wikipedia, I came across their article for asperger syndrome. After reading through it and seeing how most of my symptons matched it, I realized I had the syndrome. My diagnosis has since been confirmed by a psychiatrist.

Learning of it was also the spiral downward to the depression I now feel. I have good days and bad days and try not to let it get the best of me but the bad days still haunt me. Throughout my life, I've had difficulties interacting socially and part of it may be due to not having many friends in my area when I was little. I spent most of the time alone, just me, my toys, my video games and my imagination. My social interactions have improved more when I left private school and attended public school but I still have trouble. My interests are different than most kids. I read extensively about things that interest me such as legends of the world, dictators of the world, science fiction, psychology, bizarre televangelists and rock music. I've been going through somewhat of a crisis with my Christian faith. I have a lot of questions for God and I sometimes feel frustration that God doens't help me more with my asperger related difficulties. My biggest frustration is that I have, as yet, been unable to develop a romantic relationship. While I have a lot of friends who are girls, I've never had a girlfriend. I feel that having aspergers makes me appear different enough to the opposite sex that I'm not attractive to them. Very many people tell me that I'm physically attractive so it's all the more frustrating to me when girls my own age don't seem to be attracted to me.

My mom says these things will change as I get older and into college and the working world. She also says that I have to work harder to acheive my goals. While I understand that she's right, it's still hard to deal with being an aspie in a world of neuro typical people. Although I am an aspie, I plan on going to college, getting a job and being independent one day. I would eventually like to be married.

I'm hopeful there are enough people out there my age who experience the same difficulties I do that we can gain support from one another, share ideas on how to get better and share information about meetings or other resources.

Last edited by Markendust on 27 Jun 2006, 10:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Ever since the day I realized I am an Aspie has been a relief. The insights gained and the techniques for dealing with issues that other Aspies have taught me have been a blessing and a boon. I am finally relaxing with who I am.

I pretty much agree with Fuzzy...

I turned 17 a few months ago, which is when I started questioning things. I wondered why I wasn't a "normal" teenager. I since found out about Asperger's. I haven't gotten diagnosed officially yet, but everything fits. To me, it was definitly a relief to know there were others out there that felt the same way I do. It kind of felt like I 'fit' somewhere, although I never really worried about that. So to me it has been a good thing. I feel like I've learned alot about myself since.

hiya

i am currelty 16 but i will be 17 in a few months. I have always know i was different. and the people around me always knew i was different. they suspected asperger sevralt time but no final formal diagnoses was made.

i understand exactaly what you mean about the frustrations. I myself have battled witha beilief in God but have so far struggled.

What i would say is be thankfull you have an understanding family. or at least a family at all.

have you read any of the guides? i have found bits ina few of them very useful.

jammie

While in the same month of being dxed with AS I also found out that I have OCD as well. With knowing that I have both made me figuare out that I wasn't going out of my hands and that I'm not going crazy. I am glad of that but my parents will never understand.

I feel exactly the same way as you do, Markendust, but I am now 25, and I have to say, if you don't get help/services for managing your AS struggles, things could possibly get worse for you (sorry to tell you that), and it hurts more and more the older you get without help. I have been struggling to find any good councelling and skills services, as it seems like they cut me off what was working for me as soon as I turned 19. So whats that? As soon as I am 19 I magically just don't need help anymore? What kind of utter BS is that? I hope you can get the help you need. The sooner the better, especially if you find yourself depressed and/or crying alot of times.

I was diagnosed at 15. Since then I have improved alot, matured and gotten somewhat better and more normal like. But the last few years were a downhill for me - well rather a standstill, but my emotions go more and more downhill as I age and don't get the help I need. I have kept struggling with college, because I feel like I am so messed up and I just don't care about career right now, so I wasn't into the classes enough, and I failed some of them. They weren't very good with helping me even when I asked for it.

Try not to feel bad about having a lack of or no in-person friends and never dated. It's true for me too, and I'm older, so its even more embarrassing and hurtful in a way, that I am now this age and I am completely missing out on my young-adult years, and any social life. I completely missed out on any highschool memories. I didn't go to any prom and there were no friends graduating with me. It pains me so much that I have missed out on milestones that I can't ever get back. And when I tried to make something of myself in college, it was all too much for me to bear. Trying to keep up with the really demanding workload AND trying to learn social skills at the same time, it was much too stressful and depressing for me. After failing at highschool life, I was afraid of finishing college without making any friends there either.

And I know exactly what you mean about the relationship thing. I mean I am quite cute and smart, and people have told me that I should have guys crawling all over me, but I never even see anyone so much as look my way. I mean they couldn't be THAT good at hiding glances, I should be able to spot it happening right? I feel so undesirable and so alone, and its very painful.... I don't know what to do about the romance thing, I think the bigger problem is that I don't think I will find anyone that I'll have feelings for, because I already love someone so completely but I know I can never possibly be with him. I can't just try and forget him and find someone else and love them because it makes more sense to - it doesn't work that way. Am I gonna be alone forever?

It is all so painful for me and I don't know what to do about it, and I don't know how much more of this misery I can take quite frankly. But I'm trying to find out what to do and get my life on track. Aspergers is a very very difficult challenge that we chose to face before we incarnated here. Why oh WHY did I pick this!



But anyway, I apologise, because I didn't mean to hijack your thread and complain about myself. I'm just trying to tell you how you are not alone, and share my experience with you in how it can continue on through your young adult years coming up. I don't want to scare you or anything like that, but just encourage you to seek out and try to find services and help sooner rather than later, because the government loves to let you down and screw you over again and again, so you need to be able to find a new thing to try if something doesn't work out for you. Don't keep your fingers crossed on dying in your sleep any day now. Life will just suck if you let it. We may as well find a way to live life and struggle to eventually perhaps find some fake sort of happiness and pretend its really happening.

Thanks for the replies, especially from you Solidess. I now don't feel so alone!

I have seen a psychiatrist and a counselor a few times this month. It's helped me feel a little better though I still have a long way to go. I don't mind you posted a long message because that is what I wanted to hear. I wanted to know other people's feelings on being an aspie because I've never met anyone else with it. I could have but no one has ever told me.

I hope things will change for the better for you. I hope they will for me.

It can be both good and bad.

The good things about having AS, is that there's a good reason for my unusual Differences, though I don't use the Label as an excuse. I'm also very good at Drawing and Sketching. I have a very stong Mind and Personality. I'm very Independent. I actually enjoy being obsessed with London Pearlies and Routemasters. I have a legitimate reason for locking myself in my Bedroom, after 8:30 in the Evening. I can have a Salad for Lunch, for ten days in a row, in the Summertime, and nobody will question me or give me a dirty look. My Mom doesn't question my Afternoon Tea Drinking habbits, durring the Dog Days of Summer, because she knows that's a part of my Routine. I'm not influenced by Television, because it doesn't interest me.

The bad thing is that there will always be a Family Member or Two who might never understand how my particular Case affects me. That I'll always have Obsessions, and they do slip out of my Cake-Hole from time to time. And people don't realize how angry I get on the Inside, when they raise their voices at me, and that causes me to walk off to my Clubhouse, as an act of Rebellion.

The Positives outweigh the Negatives.

How do you feel being an aspie?

Lonely.

Couldn't have put it any better myself

Exactly the same for me too. Nothing else to add

Learning that I was an aspie has made me realize more things about myself as well but I hate the fact I have it due to the problems it's caused me stated above. I really feel life stabbed me in the back.

Well, another thing you have to realise too is that, in general, the teenage years and especially the years after where you have to learn how to be independant and how the real world works, they are very hard on ANYONE. But, Aspergers makes it especially challenging. I believe also, while part of your challenges depend on how much Aspergers you actually have, or how much it afflicts you, part of it is just your own way of coping with things, and how you deal with it. And all of us have our good days and bad days, but its how we feel OVERALL that determine how its going to affect us.

So, don't lose hope. You know it may be really hard right now, and it is for me too, but I'm hoping that with the right help and decipline, I can not only find happiness and success one day, but also independance. I could in fact see that I could really become quite a solid individual, where AS has mostly benefits overall. You see, its not just learning ways to cope with what you have, but to learn how to have a more positive mind. This is what I struggle with as well.

I don't know if this is a postive or negative way of thinking, or just realistic, but I have read around here somewhere that perhaps a good way to be happy with Aspergers is to be happy with yourself and happy being alone. If you actually really enjoy your private time and prefer that more often, you can feel good that you are with just yourself - someone you know who won't judge you and bother you. Or is this instead a way of giving up, to not bother trying to socialise? I do not know. But I think some sort of balance is definitely important. I mean, in my case, I have come to realise after years of loneliness that I NEED and want friends,and want to date, I want to feel needed and to have company, not just people who I type to on the internet, but can spend physical time with as well (I dont mean sex). I think we are social creatures, and even though I am more nervous in social situations, I crave them, atleast to the extent of craving similar weirdo people like me to spend time with, we need people in our lives to function properly. As I grow more depressed and hopeless, I am also seeing the light in the darkness as well, and realising some things that I really need to change to be more happy.

But for example, I used to get really really sad that I don't have a boyfriend, and I was especially messed up after my online guy dumped me, but now a days, I just don't want anyone like that. I mean I do, very badly, someone I can't have, so in that case no one else appeals to me in that way at all, so I could care less right now. i rather get my life on track first and just meet some friends. But dating and career doesn't seem so important to me right now. Its as if the aging of my personality is signficantly delayed thanks to aspergers. I feel like a young teenager. But even young teens want to date! I'm really something else.

Don't worry guy, the important thing is to not give up! We are here for a reason, some reason, that we still need to find out. So survive and live to see what your purpose is.

I understand the teenage years are very hard since I've seen other teens go through hard times. It's true but when I see someone (whether it's a friend or a stranger) with their girlfriend, I just sit back, feel a little teary in my eyes and say to myself "Why don't I have a love partner?". That's partly why I no longer worship God or follow any religion anymore. To me, faith is something that takes from you and doesn't give. God and Jesus, they are just a blur. I'm not here to offend anyone religious but that's what I feel and I plan on keeping that thought.

My mom tells me my case of aspergers is only mild, that things will improve and to think more positively. She also wants me to strengthen my social abilities. I've tried the alone thing but it never worked out entirely. It only made me feel more wanting. As I said before, my social abilities have improved some but I still lack a girlfriend and some people (mostly dumb rednecks and trendy wigger kids) reject me so it's discouraging. I've had a few internet relationships with three girls (different times) so that is somewhat close to having a real girlfriend but the fact I never got to meet them in real life and that they severed ties with me tears me apart, even today.
It also increased my desire to have a real girlfriend and it won't stop growing. It pains me everyday and I don't know if I can hold on to it any more.

But I hope there will be a light in my darkness as well as yours. I hope it will shine through soon and while I'm still young.

Aww.....

I know its hard... it really is, but remember that not everyone will date and especially not find love at the same times. Maybe alot of people around you are dating but, how many of them are actually HAPPY? Teenage NTs are just the stupidest form of human around in GENERAL (not all of them ofcourse). All they care about is copying everyone else, doing whats cool, whats popular, and if everyone is dating and having sex, than thats what you're 'supposed' to do too. Don't worry about it, you don't need to fit into their filthy mold of drugs, sex, and horrible hangovers.

But I know that it hurts... But just think - its not a race. They are out there cheating on each other and getting STDs, but for YOU, you may have to wait a little longer, but hey, it will be more special. You will try to find the right girl instead of just having a contest for who can have the most sex in a week or something.

On believing in God, well, thats up to you. I don't think I would want to believe in any God that's just out to get me - the reason why people believe, is because he is looking out for you and willing to help you, or, give you hope to go on at the very least. And it can be really hard, really painful sometimes, but the reason why we go on is to see if things improve. I mean you're only 18, so thats pretty young. Old enough to feel the affects of AS and loneliness for sure, but still young enough that most of your life still awaits you. So just because a romance won't happen for you in high school, doesn't mean it won't in your 20s.

But in my case I look forward to my 30s and see if something will change.... Well I still have 5 more years of my 20s but... *sigh*

I don't know how it works. But you have AS people who are successful and happy, and then you have us who are pessimistic and fall into depressive feelings often. I'm sure there are people who fall somewhere in the middle too and ain't sure what they are doing, but could go either way. I seem to bounce between that and depressive feelings.

But anyway, it will get better, especially if you work to improve at it - you can let the feelings consume you, or you can be all like 'hell with this! Things have gotta change!' Definitely easier said than done, but I believe it does take a sort of spiritual awakening from withen to change, to fight for your rights to a better life. A kind of saying to yourself "I'm not gonna take it anymore" I still struggle to be able to do that without some services for help, but I'm getting on my way on one next week.

I see life as a boot camp. Its not easy, its in fact very hard and unfair sometimes, but we learn alot of lessens, and we go home a more balanced and happy individual. Remember, if life were so great all the time, there wouldn't really be a point to us being here - what have you ever learned when things came easy? If things were perfect, it would be heaven and not Earth reality.

It's true. Many of the kids at school are morons who can't follow their hearts. Most kids here think the Chapelle Show is so freakin good but I rather watch some old cartoons from my early childhood and an intoxicating film like Heavy Metal (1981 film). Most of the kids like boring and trendy music such as any currently popular rapper, nu metal, pop punk, emo, radio rock or metalcore band while I like classic rock, funk, blues, jazz, soul, groove metal, thrash metal and death metal (I'm a metal head and like all metal genres with the exceptions of black metal, nu metal and most "-"core crap). I have friends who are "in the crowd" and stuff but I never really fit into that mold so that is probably why I'm not into all of the things they are in. It may be a good thing because I've been able to make my own individuality and that is something everyone should do. And if anyone scoffs at me for not being a wigger or whatever, I will throw it back at them and tell them to take their crybaby whining elsewhere. I've even scared off some football players.

If I'm ever to go back to the christian faith, God needs to show that he's actually there and cares for me. Many say he is there for you and will help you but that is a complete joke. I've prayed constantly for a change in life but it's never happened and I'm sick of waiting so I won't try praying anymore. It's made me realize I will have to make the changes in my life and don't put any hope in anything that is not even proven to exist. If God has helped me, I've yet to see it. Though I'm unsure about God's existence, I absolutely deny the existence of a devil. Hell is purely a scare tactic. If God is all loving and caring, why would he allow such a place to exist? It doesn't make any sense. Earth is already bad enough so how could hell be any worse?

My counselor told me the times I've seen her that most highschool guys don't date until college. I don't really see that since I see a lot of guys with dates but some of them have pretty crappy relationships. The cheating bit you mentioned earlier and I also see them pulling mean tricks on eachother. I would never do that to my girlfriend if I had one as you should respect the ones close and special to you. But the fact that some girls go for idiots like I mentioned above makes me even more frustrated. But if my counselor is right that most guys have their first date in college, I want to be one of those guys.
Though I do desire sex since it would really help my self esteem and it appears to be a very enjoyable thing, I'm also aware that there is more to a relationship than that. Relationships are variable. My hope grows stronger for the special girl to come to me and I hope it will be soon or relatively soon and while I'm still young. Maybe life is only just beginning for me right now and after I step into the world of work and college after this year, things will finally change for the better.