My Husband MUST Be An Aspie!!

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Hello to all!

Let me begin by saying that this site is a God-send!! I have been struggling with my spouse, whom I love and adore, for about 13 years now...wondering WHAT exactly was the cause of his seemingly "different" behavior. During the first few years, his "differences" were hidden by his quick temper and his low-tolerace-for-frustration levels; although these things were different enough. We were having major issues with his family acceptance of our marriage so his temperament seemed understandable. Fast forward 12 years later.

Since then, after having an argument that was the most TELLING SIGN of all about a month ago, I've embarked on an internet search. Once Asperger's Syndrome popped up, it has been off to the races ever since. I've read three books, article after article and have spoken to those who work with Aspies. My husband has Aspie written on his forehead.

He is an engineer (first sign right?!) with poor executive function. He consistently pays our bills late (we're always getting a disconnect notice) even though the money is available of course. He procrastinates and is usually late arriving to appointments. In regards the emotional connection...forget it!! I've explained to my husband the existence of the lack of emotional depth between us and, in the past, his response was always that it was because men and women "relate" differently. Since my discovery of this Syndrome however, he is starting to take on a different view. He still makes it a point to tell me that I have to spell everything out for him in detail. He can't read my mind is what he says.

When I met him, I do remember the words "cold" and "callous" coming up often. I also can recall my husband being called "arrogant" jokingly by a fellow alum during an alumni meeting and I know for sure that his sister (who also exhibits many of these qualities) said that he should familiarize himself with the concept of "tact". ~lol~ He shows no tolerance for mental health issues...telling a friend who was still surviving childhood sexual abuse to just "get over it!" and he often has to be OFF AND ALONE to collect himself before joining the rest of the family.

Although my husband is mathematically and scientifically gifted, he is arrested "socially" in that he still functions on the level of an adolescent; to which he readily admits. He antagonizes the children...as if he were their sibling and not their father. He is comfortable leaving just about everything for me to handle; family socials, kids' academic issues, child-rearing, etc. I feel like I am a single-parent most of the time. He is more comfortable verbally punishing the children and is less likely to provide encouragement, loving-kindness and patience. He knows that they need these things, he is also aware that he just can't provide them consistently.

He has never cared what the popular opinion has been, or even being socially accepted by anyone (which can be both a blessing and a curse). He has always done his own thing, much to his mother and past teachers' chagrin. He did admit to me that his mother claimed that he was her "project" when he was a child and did what she could to help him but she was unsuccessful. Seeking psychological assistance in the African-American community is not only taboo but expensive. His mom was a single-women with 5 children so my husband fell through the cracks.

His other traits are naivite' (he can't read the intentions and motive of people), inflexibility, stoned-face, is deficient with his attention-span, problems with vocal intonation (which makes people think that he's angry when he really isn't), and the removal of his colon due to Ulcerative Colitis. I've since learned that some autistic folk tend to suffer from some sort of an autoimmune disease.

We now have a son who seems to mirror his father's attributes. He is ten years of age and is set to begin his first year of high school this school year. He processes information rather quickly so he's quite brilliant academically but he has a bit of a temper, has obsessive tendencies (for instance if I hear another word about Star Wars characters again, I think that I'm going to kill myself) and seems to be rather rigid about following rules. I am debating on whether or not to get my son diagnosed because I don't want him "labeled". I figured that if we were "aware" of why these things are occuring that we could just work on the issues ourselves...just as what I'm currently doing with our son and having some success. My husband is having difficulty accepting that whatever IT is has a NAME!

Both my husband and son definitely have traits consistent with AS. The thing is, for all of negative aspects of the Syndrome, I am quite proud of them and have spent the bulk of my time trying to figure out ways to help and better relate to them. And while, they can be frustrating and exasperating...the good qualities of the Syndrome (loyalty, traditional-type, brilliance and focus) I can live defintely live with. My husband is tender and vulnerable...just like a child underneath and he literally panicks whenever we have a fight. He does try to do better whenever I bring up some of these "traits" but I think it's to prove to that he isn't "different". He is slowly coming around though. He reads the books I bring into the house or the articles I send him via email. He just has yet to move on the information.

Any thoughts?

Yeah, that sounds like an aspie to me !

"Congratulations?"

At least he will have no problem being recognized by other Aspies.

Yes, we like reading labels .

I don't know.. he doesn't sound a lot like my hubby, who I am convinced now is an Aspie (See my earlier thread, "Is my husband an Aspie?" where I asked and got positive responses here). But I am no expert!

All I can say is, it sounds as if you have a good handle on the plus-es and minus-es so to speak. Sounds as if you love him. Sounds as if he has some avoidant characteristics which can be another thing in itself... I dunno if it's an "Aspie trait" or not per se. But leaving so much for you to do, providing he's physically able, isn't cool. Once he has been told and understands what you are comfortable with him doing, he should at least TRY to do his part on things. For instance, he can write thank you notes even though he may not enjoy socialising. He can handle that aspect of social life. Then leave the phone calls up to you, for instance. But you shouldn't have to do it all. Just my opinion. (And just a random example)

If you can get to a therapist used to dealing with Aspie/NT issues then if they can spell out for him some things he can do to make you feel happier and more like a wife and not his mother... (i.e. doing all the chores alone) he may even be relieved.

Good luck with everything is all I can really say...! I'm in the same boat! Only my hubby has major depression and possibly paranoiac issues now as well. To him since I am the squeaky wheel, I'm the one with teh problem. Not a great way to look at a partnership right? I am of the opinion that Aspie or not, if a person can understand what their partner asks of them (I mean even spelling it out for them) then there is no reason they can't make an effort. After all we have to adjust for them as well.

Hello,
Just wanted to say I enjoyed reading your post. Portions of it relate well to me, so that is always nice.

I have crohns, so the fact that you mention colitis got my attention very quick. I have heard of this connection also, so it fascinates me.

I think its great that you are here and learning, and I really hope you find everything you need. Everyone here is very helpful and it is a great resource!

Anyhow, good luck!

Justin

I agree!

[quote="Popsicle"]I don't know.. he doesn't sound a lot like my hubby, who I am convinced now is an Aspie (See my earlier thread, "Is my husband an Aspie?" where I asked and got positive responses here). But I am no expert!


Yes popsicle I did read your post and it was quite interesting indeed. I guess since I've begun my "journey", it is almost always a comfort to read about another NT wife's experience. It certainly lets me know that I am not alone.

I've learned quite a bit so far during my research. One thing that I do know is that not all Aspies possess the SAME traits and for those that have similar traits, it is still a matter of "severity".

Your husband may be experiencing a "syndrome mix" just as mine maybe, so there are other things that may manifest themselves that will quite different from my husband. For instance, just since I've posted to this site, I've also learned that he may have ADHD as well. That would explain his flash temper, low frustration level, inappropriate joking and inability to plan and execute.

One thing that I will say though is that even in the midst of these things, hubby is not so bad that I cannot see nor enjoy his good points which make him "bearable" most of the time.

I too wish you luck in your endeavors to understand your husband. If he is anything like mine, he is definitely worth it.

~LOL~ Yes, trust me when I say that congratulations are in order! It means that I am on the road to sustaining my marriage.

Thanks!

I'm sorry. I don't get it...

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Why thank you Justin and how kind of you to respond with that sentiment!! I am just so elated that THERE IS A NAME for what my husband and son is experiencing. Although he is still dragging his feet to accept it (which I understand), it doesn't stop me from absorbing all that I can about it. If not for the sake of my marriage, definitely for the benefit of my son.

I told my hubby that I want to HELP him. I know that quite a few Aspie men have experienced some cruel treatment by quite a few people which I think is just disheartening because so many Aspies don't have a malicious bone in their bodies. They are just misunderstood.

In regards the Ulcerative Colitis, his colon was so "involved" that he had to undergo major surgery to have it removed. And like you, once I learned of this connection, I just about fell out of my chair.

[quote="Popsicle"]

All I can say is, it sounds as if you have a good handle on the plus-es and minus-es so to speak. Sounds as if you love him. Sounds as if he has some avoidant characteristics which can be another thing in itself... I dunno if it's an "Aspie trait" or not per se. But leaving so much for you to do, providing he's physically able, isn't cool. Once he has been told and understands what you are comfortable with him doing, he should at least TRY to do his part on things. For instance, he can write thank you notes even though he may not enjoy socialising. He can handle that aspect of social life. Then leave the phone calls up to you, for instance. But you shouldn't have to do it all. Just my opinion. (And just a random example)

If you can get to a therapist used to dealing with Aspie/NT issues then if they can spell out for him some things he can do to make you feel happier and more like a wife and not his mother... (i.e. doing all the chores alone) he may even be relieved.

[quote]


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I concurr! And another thing that I am learning about my husband's Aspie trait is that he is mentally trapped in adolescence!! There were quite a few behaviors/incidences that I've pointed out to him immediately afterwards that questioned his maturity level and HE AGREED!

Now the only thing I've got to do is to get him wrap his mind around this syndrome (no small feat right?) and get him to seek help. I'm laying the foundation for him to be able to GROW to accomplish many of the things you've mentioned because believe me when I say, it is quite exhausting raising THREE kids...one of them being in a 36 year-old body.

Wow... I can't even imagine raising kids plus dealing with a non diagnosed 'non cooperative' husband. Hat's off.

LOL about the adolescent statement... it's not a slam but when my husband's being extremely stubborn or just contrary for no good reason... cutting off his nose to spite his face, happens fairly often and with major things... then I have been known to tell him he's acting like a surly teenager. You know how one of those will back talk their mom about turning down their music and give her anger rather than responses. It's like that.

As long as I relate to him on what I consider a surface level and everything is pleasant small talk, he seems just fine and more relaxed... but if I ask about his listening to me... (about 'how I feel' about something) he refuses.

What' I'm getting form the forums here is that it indeed is not impossible for an Aspie man to sit and listen... or to do basic things their spouse might need... it's a question of making oneself do it for the other's sake. I know it must be very hard and I give big respect to those who have that attitude (that they want to meet their spouse's needs or try to). So now I just have to figure out why that doesn't seem to be an issue (of importance) for him.

I was thrilled also to learn of a name to call the things I did. And finding other people who were similar was another great bonus.

It would be nice to have someone want to help and be willing to listen. When I do try to talk (which doesnt happen often) I usually dont get the response I need, or get no response at all. So I just wind up not talking at all.

I havent had to have any surgery just yet, so hopefully I can avoid that whole situation. Being cut open is not really something I want. The medications I have to take are more than enough to deal with.

Anyway, Hope all is going well

Welcome Mjeanee!

Yep, he's an Aspie! He sounds just like my beloved
I will echo that congratulations... life with an Aspie can be hard but I wouldn't swap mine for anyone. It was his Aspie traits I fell in love with in the first place...

Mine welcomed a label that finally fit, I suspect yours will come around too. We've had a lot of problems in the past, with communication and his depression, but now we know what the problem was we're both working on understanding each other better.

Read all you can about AS, talk to other Aspies in here, and it will just click suddenly. You'll get the hang of how his brain's wired, and you'll learn that he doesn't always understand what you think is obvious. It's exactly the same the other way round, he needs to learn how you think because he really has NO IDEA! But he's a bit less adaptable than you, and in some ways it's impossible for him to change. Once you've accepted that you'll both be fine

As for your son, I can understand that you don't want him labelled. But it would help his education if the school is aware. Aspies can't always learn in the same way as NT kids, and schools are better off knowing why so they can structure his learning in a way he can deal with. Aspies are often labelled 'difficult' or even 'stupid' at school, if nobody is aware of why they're different. Mine was told he wasn't intelligent enough for college, but he can hold his own in a conversation with a physics professor easily. I was considered intelligent in school, but he makes me feel like I don't know anything! (He's explained relativity to me 10 times and I still don't get it )

You've found the best place to hang out, anyway. You'll like it here