Tired of being told I'm wrong.

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I've been here before. I posted, got annoyed, and deleted 90% of the stuff that I said.

And now I am back, and back to vent again. I'm desperate. I don't want to go through another year feeling like an outcast, I'm starting to develop health issues. I've already developed problems that are going to require going to the doctor, but I don't see the point in bothering with it when I'm just going to go back into hiding and have them come right back.

"Don't care what other people think". Other people are my co-workers, my managers, the people I pay rent to. These people treat me like garbage for no reason. Friendly conversation is impossible, and they have no issue with making my life harder because people are generally out for themselves alone. A co-worker that hates you will rat you out to the manager for every little mistake. A manager who doesn't like you will make sure you get the worst shift and try to drive you to quit if they can't legally force you to. A landlord who doesn't like you will not give you any chances to make mistakes with due rent, or accidentally chipping a pea-sized piece of paint on a door frame without having it effect your security deposit heavily. It's all stuff that can't be verified by anything other than "you versus them", and if nobody likes you, guess who wins? I -HAVE- to care what other people think. Other people run the world around me.

But I'm crap at explaining this stuff. People either come back with the same replies that do not work, ignore me, or write me off as crazy. Rarely do I see "I wish things could be better for you." No supportive words. But I guess that makes me look like I want pity. Well yes. Pity does not require action. Pity does not require any investment other than saying that they do not like what is happening to somebody else. It shows that they care ... at least it would if it came from people who I actually knew outside the internet. Just like how it's easy to insult a person online because anonymity protects them from the consequences, it's just as easy to play off an insincere caring attitude. It's just not the same to have a stranger say that they care when you know they could just as easily hate you tomorrow because they found out some random fact about you.

In the real world it takes at least a little more effort to look like you care. Even more to actually stick to it. I'm not looking for a group of people to cry to when I feel upset, I just want to feel like I matter. I want to feel like my opinions have a meaning to somebody. I'm tired of feeling like everybody started a secret club that I will never be allowed to join. I want to go out after work with friends, I want to talk to people, I want to lose track of time and get home late, I want to build up the guts to ask a woman out and get shot down, and go back to some congratulatory high fives for even having the balls to try.

Yes, I need validation. It's pathetic. It's something little kids need, not adults.

This is all old news. I just had to unload it again because it's the new year and ... yeah.

Last edited by Axel_Midego on 04 Jan 2011, 7:00 am, edited 1 time in total.

Are you the only person who is bothered by the atmosphere at this company?

Can you get a job at another company?
If you're just waiting for the next illness caused by the emotional stress something goes quite wrong.

Thank you for the reply,

Name any place I've ever worked at. It's always the same story. I do the job because I need money. Co-workers start dumping the stuff they don't want to do onto me. I don't complain because I need the job and don't want to risk creating conflict. Co-workers start doing things like lock me out of the store and send me to do stuff I am physically incapable of doing. I tell the manager and find out co-workers have been saying that I don't do my work properly. Manager decides to believe them because I am new. After a few weeks of always being seen as the lazy idiot when I have been pulling everyone's slack, and being incapable of getting the manager involved to stop the stupidity, I either quit or get fired.

It was always fast food, grocery store work, or gas station work, though. They hire kids. Kids are idiots and like to pick on the new guy. I just couldn't handle the manager getting in on the bandwagon, too. But it's grunt work. No point in fighting for the job by going to the manager's manager just so I can keep working there as the tattletale who went and cried to the higher-ups.

I want to go to college, but that isn't an option for me due to a long story I won't go into.

I don't want to wait for things to get worse, but I honestly have no idea how to make things any better. That's why all I can pretty much do is vent.

I think it's likely that those other people get validation in ways they don't realize, and think it's the same for everyone else. They take it for granted and can't even imagine that not everyone gets that.

Thank you for the reply,

I agree with you. A lot of people will ignore other people's problems because they assume circumstances present in their life are by default present in everyone else's. That's my biggest hurdle whenever I try to explain my situation to my family. It's impossible to cover all the stuff that a lot of them fall back on so they end up not considering how they would handle things if those safety nets were not there to begin with. So they keep telling me that validation is just for little kids and adults learn to "tough it out", and that I'm just having unreasonable expectations about life.

This is why I end up on the internet talking to people I've never met instead. Heh.

Another bad night, another load of random venting.

I'm so sick of having no idea how to make friends. I know I come off as a self-absorbed jerk, but I'm honestly trying to be friendly. I sit and watch people chat it up like they have been friends for years, and when I chime in, dead silence. I can't get involved in existing conversations for very long. And I've been told it's because I never focus on anyone but myself. But how am I going to go and comment on cars, music, movies, dating, marriage, children, trips to other countries, smoking, drug use, drinking, raising horses, or any of the billions of other subjects I don't know anything about? The only subjects I know are video games, anime, and myself. And even then most of the video game crowd I come across only like hardcore PvP games (something I have no interest in), or super bloody violent anime (again ... pretty much no interest).

I don't like pretending I am something that I am not. I don't have interests in car racing, why would I act like I care when a conversation about it starts up? I'd just look like a flailing idiot talking out of my arse if I did try to participate anyhow. I don't know anything about the subject. And I'm not going to waste people's time by trying to look like I do.

That may be why my dating life never started. I won't feign interest in something just to get into a woman's pants. Do I really have to learn how to BS people to be successful socially? I don't like lying to people. It just means more stuff that I have to keep track of later, and I'm scatterbrained enough as it is.

I sat here tonight posting on a message board and watched every post I made get ignored by everyone. It's the same thing that happens pretty much every day for me. Other folks see days like this as a bad day, but for me it's just as normal as the sun rising. And that irritates me.

I'm not perfect by any means, though. On the rare occasion somebody does reply to me, I lock up and post some awkward attempt at humor to try and lighten the tension and get the other person to relax a bit. But it never really goes well. I end up running them off, or at the least they stop replying to me. Even worse when I develop a "personality crush" and talk to a female (or at least I assume it's a female) who has a personality that I find very attractive. That's always a trainwreck.

And that's the killer. I am socially awkward on the internet, behind a veil of anonymity, where people can't see my face, or hear my voice. I am completely protected from permanent rejection, yet I am still just as nervous as I am in the real world. If somebody tells me to buzz off, I don't change names and try to talk to them again. I wouldn't do that, since it just feels like lying.

Then again maybe I don't bother going back because the fact they told me to go away means our personalities weren't compatible to begin with. So trying again would just end with the same result. Then we go back to the social awkwardness. Since I never seem to get along with anyone for very long, I'm nervous because I don't want to lose potential friendships online by screwing things up.

I have issues.

This might as well become some sort of journal entry. But at the least I can pretend people are reading and able to relate to the situation.

So I'm on the up part of the emotional rollercoaster today. And I can already see how things are going to go wrong. Talked to a girl online last night who I know has a jerk of a boyfriend. A few days before I had sorta indirectly expressed my disgust at his behavior while he was laying on the classic player script ("bby u kno i just had 2 do that bcuz i love u" "i want us 2 b 2gethr 4evr pls dont b mad" "bby i fel closer 2 u tan evr pls bby") on her when she was upset at him. (Hey, public chat, I can't help but read it) So it was a bit of a shock seeing her talking to me. Apparently she didn't catch my little indirect rant. (Or maybe she did ... )

Nice as it is to get attention from a "female" online who doesn't use shorthand and seems intelligent, I know I'm just digging myself right back into that hole I swore off of half a decade ago. Emotions online don't tend to be real. Most people change entirely when you meet them in the real world because their inhibitions kick in. It's nice to goof around on the net but I know reality hits eventually. Not to mention the girl is dating an obvious jerk. So she's already expressed that she is attracted to jerks. Even in a best case scenario I would be nothing but a "nice guy" to fill an emotional gap before the aggressive jerk type becomes appealing again.

I'll add this is all theory and prediction. I'm not sitting here thinking about some girl I've spoken to once, and seen talking to other people a few times as if she's my next online crush. ( I haven't turned into a stalker yet. -_- ) More so just focusing on how I can't get away from being attracted to women who show even the vaguest amount of friendly behavior towards me. Happens in the real world, too. And it's creepy. I don't talk to girls I am attracted to in the real world because I believe that I am completely misinterpreting their behavior towards me due to being so desperate that I'll turn any attention into attraction inside my mind.

I'll be down in a few days regardless I am sure. Right now this girl and a few of her female friends are being really friendly to me whenever I log in like I am a super stud, but I already screwed up last night and started talking about myself a lot. The group got quiet and people started logging out. I never saw any goodbyes. I can assume I was mysterious silent guy at first, but then I opened my mouth and they got to see how uninteresting, or depressing, or creepy, or whatever my problem is, that I am and decided to pull a silent back away.

Then again I could be over analyzing things. It's hard not to when I don't make any friends in any social circle I go into. I'm nervous because I don't want to scare people off. And I scare people off because I overcompensate due to nervousness.

You'd think being aware of the problem would help in fixing it.

That was a good morning surprise. My mother just called me up to basically say "Why couldn't you turn out to be like Mark Zuckerberg?" ( The guy who crapped out facebook and seems to be hailed as the original creator of social networking because people are stupid. )

Insulted by my mother AND compared to a another person ( That I am getting sick of hearing about because he's no more innovative than the tenth guy to "invent" the wheel... ) as a lesser being. And they wonder why my self image is so poor.

Can you widen your interests somehow?
Are you drawing Manga yourself?
Are you sewing costumes and going to Games Con events?

I know it's hard to develop some self-confidence, I was ever struggling with that too.

Let me see if I understand.

Even though you say it, you really don't feel people understand your real issues. They may read your posts, but not completely. They reply with "advice" that is nothing more than their opinion, or common wisdom, or something you read out of a book and have already discarded as being of any use. Validation to you is saying, "I understand you have a problem with X, and although I have never had a problem with X and most people overcome problems with X easily, your unique situation makes it difficult for you." In addition, people tell you they had a problem with X, they tried Y, Y worked for them and it should work for you; Unfortunately, you may have already tried Y and it just made matters worse. So when push comes to shove, nobody really helps.

Am I understanding this so far?

It's not just having interests in common that make for relationships. It's understanding that the differences need not get in the way.

Ever consider taking a class on Social Psychology, Sociology, or group dynamics? It might help you "see" or "read" what others are saying and doing so that you can integrate/reciprocate more appropriately.

You are projecting that you need attention with the goal of having random people fulfil your emotional needs. You don't get any takers because... well,....who wants to be a "random" person with no needs or interests of their own?! Who wants to be a welcome sign doormat?

Perhaps, you could show an interest in learning or appreciating a subject you don't know anything about? Don't hide your ignorance, embrace it and ask questions. That would demonstrate that making a friendship is important enough to you, that you are willing to meet the other person half-way. Don't get personal, and keep it short.

They are not telling you to go away because your personality is incompatable - they are telling you to go away because you are taking up too much time and energy and you ignore accomodating them.

I hope this helps... you remind me of my nephew.

I'm going to have to change this reply since I'm starting to get argumentative and I don't want to get stressed out with another "this is why you are wrong" thread. I'll have to come back later and post when my mind is clearer.

Last edited by Axel_Midego on 07 Jan 2011, 3:24 am, edited 1 time in total.

Have you ever thought about seeing a psychologist? I don't mean it as an insult but speaking with someone who is experienced with ASD could really help you and give you some useful advice. I was seeing one for my ADHD and just talking to someone helps alot along with gaining a new perspective.

Don't worry about looking insulting. I've been told the way I post makes me seem like I want to jump down everyone's throat. But I do appreciate suggestions and know people are just trying to help. I'm just not very good at expressing myself.

I actually do want to get a professional opinion on my situation, and get some advice on how to cope with it. But at the risk of sounding like I'm making more excuses, I don't have money and my family thinks I'm just depressed so anything I say is written off. ( I know ... woe is me. )

I did actually go to a few psychiatrists ( no psychologists, though ) when I was younger, and they prescribed anti-depression pills which made me quick to anger and incapable of controlling my impulses, so I quit the medication myself.

As it stands I'm not quite sure what my issue is. Medication never did me any good. I'm not lazy, I'm just at a loss when it comes to figuring out what I should do. I used to blame my size, but the social issues exist online, too. So it's obviously something wrong with my personality.

Ok, more sleep, less degree of stressed out.

I think I've dug myself into a hole here. The conversation is starting to skew towards why I need to stop being disrespectful towards other people if I want respect from them and I'm trying to explain that I don't respect people because they don't treat me with any. It's a circular argument. I won't be able to fix my problems because I'm fed up with being treated like a jerk and won't let people step all over me, and I get treated like a jerk because I am a jerk.

I want to explain how I refuse to be submissive again because I used to be, and that drove me to certain self-destructive behaviors, but I don't think it matters. I honestly don't matter. I'm in a unique circumstance emotionally that has guaranteed I'm going to be miserable until I die.There's no reason to keep wasting people's time by asking why things are like they are because I won't like the answer I'm going to keep getting. And I apologize for doing that that up until now.

This isn't an attempt at a pity fest, it's simply a declaration of defeat.

I am sorry you are not treated with respect.

How would a person have to treat you in order for you to feel respected? I'm being sincere. In an ideal world what would a respectful interaction/friendship with you - sound like, or look like?