All Attempts Shot Down

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It seems like all my attempts to be social are inevitably shot down. At my job, I try to make friendly conversation with fellow employees, but they just insult my oddity. In my dealings with women, they have inevitably seen my as too socially inept to bother with. It's no wonder we aspies are statistically more likely to commit suicide: We try our hardest, but even that's not good enough for the NTs! I understand why we bury ourselves in our special interests; they won't disappoint us.

I agree 100% - if you figure out how to get around this PLEASE post it!

I can get friendships going, I just can't seem to keep them going, or I ruin them by saying something stupid. In my 24 years on this planet, I've had a total of three people that I could call friends. When I was in day-care/preschool (1983-1985), there was this one kid in daycare named dennis, he seemed determined to be my little shadow, but people like that back then just scared me, so I tried my best to avoid him.

I didn't have any friends until I was in third grade. My first friend I ended up sitting next to in class. One evening in february 1989, he called my house and we had a short conversation, and our friendship was born. I fell out of favor with #1 when I entered junior high school and he became a jock.

#2 I meet shortly after that one day at noon lunch in 7th grade, I remember the day too, it was November 13, 1992. I was sitting alone in the bleachers in the gym when he, who also sitting alone motioned for me to come sit with him. I was rather elated as these kinds of things don't happen for me too often. We had an on again, off again friendship that lasted about 10 years, usually dictated by him breaking it off after I did something he didn't like, depite my good intentions. Senior year of high school we kicked it off again, and this time, we spent lots of time together drinking and smoking pot. We graduated together in 1998, and in march of 1999, I decided that I'd better try to make something of my life, so I quite the pot and the booze, but he didn't and eventually migrated to heavier drugs and he became lost in his own world of addiction.

Around this time in 2001, I discovered that a co-worker at the grocrey store I work in was a big ALF fan, like I was, and had to whole series on tape, I had to watch those tapes so I gathered up the courage to ask him if I could stop over sometime. And so friendship #3 was born. Unlike the first 2 friends I had, #3 is the most willing to accept people like me so I hope that this can last.

Whew, sorry for being long winded, that's how I'am

Last edited by LadyBug on 26 Jul 2004, 4:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Last edited by LadyBug on 26 Jul 2004, 4:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I hear ya. I spend a lot more time alone than I do with others. I am naturally introverted anyway, so I tend to go off by myself if I need to wind down or decompress. But one of the first things I notice is how little small talk amongst NTs it takes to make me want to run to the nearest exit... I just cannot talk about soap operas or gossip incessantly about someone else's private life, which are often the topics of conversation when I occasionally socialize with people at work... I end up wanting to just crawl under the table and make my way for the door.

On the off chance that I can get someone to talk about something I find interesting, I seem to get energized. I feel the true "me" comes out. But I know that relationships are give and take... I just don't want to always be the giver, or always the taker. I've found that it is not an easy thing to find friends who have a lot in common with me because of my very unusual interests. I've found it particularly hard when it comes to making friends with other women. They look at me like I'm just the oddest thing they ever saw.

Don't ya hate it when you try your hardest to appeal to others and you still get shot down, as you said, and rejected? It really hurts. For me, it hurt the most the first few times, but after that, I built up resistance to the emotional pain and really went for it.

There are ways to deal with this. If you haven't checked, I wholeheartedly recommend you read this for starters:

Gregarious Humans: the need for friendship
http://www.wrongplanet.net/modules.php? ... page&pid=8

Which was written by yours truly

There's no doubt you really have to work at it, and find the right people too, for that matter. You're not going to be able to be really good friends with just anyone (simply being friendly and social is somewhat of a different matter). In a way, it is like a game of dominos. Link it all up and one thing will lead to another in a glorious chain reaction.

Often it entails facing up against your pet peeves, or worst fears, even. This would include the small talk. If you can't stand their small talk, what makes you think they'll be able to stand your obsessions? Ahhh it does work both ways, and a friendship is a give and take -- yes, like you mentioned Buzzygirl.

As for unusual interests, there's certainly a time and a place for that too.

Torley: I read your article on friendships and enjoyed it. The thing about sharing obsessions (or mere interests) is, for me, a tricky one.

I have trained myself to be acutely aware of how people react to what I am talking about-- this has never come naturally for me-- and I am now pretty good at knowing when to keep quiet about my interests. Unfortunately, this translates to "most of the time". I have found that I really cannot talk much about myself or my interests around people I work with (who share none of my interests or obsessions) but the give-and-take it a lot easier around the people I choose to hang out with who are more like me.

It comes down to choices, true. I feel as if I need to make the most of my precious down-time by hanging around with people who are accepting of me, who won't tune out or rudely turn away and start talking to someone else before I'm done talking. If that means that many people find me mysterious or standoffish, well, this sort of thing doesn't happen in a vacuum. When I must be around people I work with in social situations, I tend to just not say much of anything. It's less frustrating for me, and probably for them, if I just don't say anything unless asked.

My ADHD psychologist once said something that has helped me a lot: "Don't stay long where you're not wanted!" I am not old, but neither do I feel like I have a lot of time to waste trying to befriend people who expect one person to do all the work in a relationship.

Thanks Buzzygirl!

Hang in there... it may not come naturally to you, but do you find things get better at all with time as you practice? If it isn't nature, then it must be nurtured. I don't want you in situations you really don't enjoy or being around people whose interactions have little or no meaning to you, but if you're looking for something, keep looking. Any gatherings in your area for your specific interests?

I agree with your psychologist's advice -- why would anyone remain where they aren't appreciated and continue to run the sad track in the "rat race" of life? But this happens a lot. Too many people are worn down and become apathic.

Friendship's got to go both ways. And much to my surprise, there are generous people in this world who give a lot to me without asking for anything in return. I enjoy giving back too, although my means are unorthodox.

The train may not have reached the next station yet, but it's on its way -- Hang in there

Yup - tis tricky that whole business - cos you have to be comfortable with the friendships that are eventually offered as well!
I have quite a few sympathetic associates that understand one part of me, and are quite accepting - but even they make me run off screaming sometimes! They are the ones that like the small talk, and I'm too stunned to interject, so I smile and nod. Every now and then I say something totally irrelevant, which they all think is great, and then I drift back and try to focus on what they are saying. They mean well - they can see I am a loner and want to 'fix' me - they invite me to parties even. I tend to disgrace myself by getting stupidly drunk and falling asleep, or doing something extremely silly to alleviate the boredom. Tis truly a give and take situation. I have other friends who refuse to see my aspie bits, and just accuse me of being a snob - who've stuck around in the background for years - problem being I'm always saying something to offend them, and it takes them about 12 months to get back to me sometimes.... These friends send me rigid into panic attack status, cos I know they expect something wise and meaning ful out of me, and sometimes I just can't perform.... these are the friends who are interested in the things that I like....
I kind of resolved all these issues, by running away from the demanding ones, and subtling avoiding the well meaning ones.... I can only manage one interaction at a time... that's where the boyfriend comes in. He looks after me, annoys me, entertains me, argues with me, pushes me out of my comfort zone, discusses stuff with me, respects me on my bad days and generally makes me feel like I'm a person without having to pretend to be anything else. We can laugh at each others faults, and plan strategies against the 'other world' together. I think that might be what is needed from a friend.

Find a group or club that shares your obsession(s).

By it's very nature, it will draw people LIKE you. If you feel unsure, or uneasy, still GO! I can't emphasize this enough. 90% of the time, social groups make me uneasy. But groups devoted to a similair interest/hobby WILL attract them. So go. You'll feel uneasy, but ignore it. Walk around, see who's talking, who is doing what. 9/10ths of time, you'll find a fellow fanatic.

And talking to people as odd as you, well it works. I'm beginning to believe, that Aspie/ADD social cues are not 'broken' just different. Which makes me think that they are genetic holdovers or somewhat recessive genes from earlier times.

With the proper group of people, parallel simultaneous fun conversations are possible, but you got to find the right folks.

And I crave these experiences. After weeks in the normal world, I NEED to geek out.

I agree that it's a good idea to find a club or group of people that has similar interests to you. However, transport can be something of a problem for some of us + making that first approach to join up.

I have the same problem. You get to the stage where you feel it's not even worth the bother trying, and then you get slammed for that too. *sigh* Life sux.

I know exactly what you mean. For me it's the middle stage of a relationship that is hard...or impossible...to sucessfully navigate. I can do "acqaintance" with general chit-chat,etc...although I really have no idea what I'm doing I'm told I fake it fairly well, and once I'm friends with someone they already know my weirdnesses and are OK with them...but it's going from "acquaintance" to "friend" that I have the most trouble with. Grrrr!!

I agree. Try to find a social group or club you can join.

I thought you'd "kicked Asperger's in the nads" as you said