Depressed, frusterated and hopeless.

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So I just need to vent about some things, that are really bringing me down and frustrating me. First of all I won't go into to much detail but I have been constantly picked on and even mentally abused by people for most of my life teachers, family members, other students at school you name it. I feel like some of these people did not realise what they where doing so I don't hold much of a grudge. What really angers me about my past on top of that is there was a lock down at my high school and a girl was shot....after this everyone went on about how we needed to support each other to make it through this rough time and even then people still said nasty things or just ignored my existance like I was undeserving of the support or was not allowed to have been affected by it. I spent a couple hellish years in college, I've had my fair share of drug experiances, back stabbings ect. There is much more but I just wanted to provide some background info about my life.

Anyways now I have been in counseling for about a month, found out about having aspergers which explains a lot but still does not fix anything. The conseling does not help he keeps telling me there is hope and is trying to push me into the recovory route.....Its like he does not realise how disfucntional I am, and assumes I am just exaggerating just like everyone else. I know in order to get any sort of help disability benifits or anything in general I probably need an official diagnoses which there is no way in hell I can afford, I am trying to get on free medical but you probably have to have the diagnosis for that. I'm re-enrolled for college and start this month but I don't know how long I can cling to my sanity.......don't know if I will make it to the first day of class. On top of that I'm staying at my moms house where i have no personal space which only adds to it all. My moms trying to help but it seems there is no hope for anything. I starting to feel like ending it because I just don't see what else to do......I want to try and keep going, but I can't live this way.

Sorry for the long post, but I hope someone has some advice or something.....because I really don't know what to do, where to start and no one even understands how bad it really is.

Hey I know what it feels like to some extent.

I have been verbally and mentally abused by classmates all my life, I was overweight and socially 'retarted'/awkward so people made fun of me or avoided me. If anything I was treated like part of the background, like I didnt exist. I preffered this to being ridiculed but at the same time I didnt realize how much damage it did to me, I feel like I have no personality and the personality that is there is aimed at making others feel good so they like me.

Like you I went to college for a few years but left. now i'm back at my parents house living with no school or a job. Once I find a job ill regain some of my dignity and not be just a leech. I dont know if I have Aspergers, though im pretty sure I do on the milder side.

I think you should get a job to recuperate, it keeps you busy while giving you a sense of satisfaction cuz you earn money while you spend your waking hours. I plan on working for a year to save up and then return to school somewhere new where I can start a new life. Nobody will know me, ill have a fresh start and ill have money from the year before. You should think about your options, I used to think like you do but really your own two hands can do so much. You just need to summon the courage to do something about it, it took me a few years to gather that courage and turn my life around. I was a fat, unconfident and awkward wreck but I realized if I didnt change my life myself it would just continue on that course. I worked out and tried out for the Varisty football team and I made it...and it was the best decision in my life because it taught me confidence that I can do things if I set my mind to it. This is the biggest lesson ive learned in my enture life, you just need to learn that too and I guarantee things will get better. I'm not telling you to suck it up, just beleive in yourself more, there are options. If you dont want to live in your mothers house, dont. work and get your own place, ask your mother for a month or twos rent if she can spare it to help you start.

I don't think I could function at a job, plus I don't have adequet transportation, I am re-enrolled in college and will start this month even making it to class and such will be a struggle since right now I live so far from the college I have to get a ride to the bus station, take a 30 minute bus ride into town and then transfer to the bus that goes to the college which is another 30 minutes......then same thing to get back home afterwards. I am hoping to use some of whats left over from grants and loans after tuition to maybe get an apartment with my sister and cousin or maybe even some place of my own.....I just fear that my sanity won't last that long. I am to the point where suicide looks like a good alternative to this.

dont do that. I tried to hang myself about a month ago, see my topic about it. If you are depressed get help, are you insured? medication helps a lot for me. another thing is to be proactive. go for a run, chat with a friend, read, dont mope. Believe me when I say I know what you are feeling, but there are ways out of it.

Try reading up on Dabrowski's Theory of Positive Disintegration--you might find it to be more useful than anything mainstream psychology/psychiatry are currently peddling.

There is plenty of information on it here: http://positivedisintegration.com/

sweetleaf, you are too beautiful to kill yourself. The demons in this world just want you to think that there is no way out but there is always a better way for you. Killing yourself never solves the problem, you would just be born again and have to relive the same issues. So you can't really escape your problems, you must face them. You need to work these things out. I can help you. Message me in private and tell me more about yourself.

I know how it is. I can't even comprehend going to the local grocery store to get notebooks for my upcoming semester at a 4 year, much less actually going to school!

I have horrible depression issues. And I don't see any way out anymore after 7 years of it and it's still going downhill.

Just thought I would let you know your not alone.

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Battle Angel Alita

Well thank you all for the advice, I don't feel as bad as I did when I posted this anymore...I do fear that the chain reaction into a suicidal mindset has already begun and I am only hoping I can fight those thoughts off long enough for things to possibly start improving thus breaking the chain reaction. Funny I figure I knew all there was to know about being suicidal because of my attempt when I was 15 but its different then that....Now it feels like there is almost a seperate part of me that truly wants to end it which kind of disturbs me because I don't feel as in control as I did last time. But yes I am putting effort into getting something figured out, just feels like I have a limited amount of time to do it.

sweetleaf your time is never limited. Your soul is infinite. You must stop these bad thoughts. You are here for a reason. For a purpose. You are special. I know for a fact that you are. You must learn how to think positive. Learn to love yourself. You really have no clue just how special you are. Find out. Look into yourself. It is there waiting for you. When you find it, you will experience happiness. Happiness does exist. You will find it.