Asperger's or Chinese mom?

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So you might have read this article in the Wall Street Journal about "Why Chinese Moms Are Superior." I was raised in a manner somewhat like this. Although my parents were somewhat more lenient in some ways, they were pretty strict in others. I began piano lessons at 4 (was never very good, though I do enjoy playing music still). I was always in the gifted group at school, got straight A's throughout high school. I was allowed to watch TV and play videogames (but we got a Nintendo, like, 4 years after everyone else). But I was never taken to movies and rarely got cool toys (I remember one year for my birthday, I got a metronome.) I also rarely got to play with other kids.

This was never really a big problem for me early in life. Homework was easy. I loved reading books. I was a good kid, never raising my voice or disobeying my parents, even though my mom likes to berate me once a week for being a waste of life and a burden to her. This was after I graduated from UC Berkeley and I got a master's degree and a decent job. A few times, she got mad at me because I didn't talk back to her while she was screaming at me.

It did start being a problem in middle school, when social skills became more important than academics. Actually, my parents were pretty liberal in this area. They wanted me to become more social. But they always ended up awkwardly embarrassing me, because they themselves were always the ones to leave the party and go to sleep early. And they wonder why I've never had a girlfriend.

Anyway, I always blamed my lack of social skills and my shyness on my upbringing. It wasn't until I started reading about Asperger's that I realized there was something else behind it. A lot of my peers were raised like this, but they were still social. I mostly walked around alone during school breaks. I would often blurt out facts that I felt proud to know, but in retrospect, were big faux pas. I once calculated a math problem out to hundreds of decimal places in a fit of anger. In fact, one of my mom's favorite insults during her rants is "autistic."

Do any Asians here have similar experiences? Especially those diagnosed with Asperger's. I wonder how much of my problems are due to nature vs. nurture.

at least they kind of pushed u, like they noticed theyr was somthng diffrent about u

I scanned the article, and I am chinese myself. My parents are very americanized so its a little different. There was a lot of restrictions on certain things and they were reasonable people for the most part. My mom did most of the raising I guess she raised me with a mixture of American and Chinese ways. She expected us as her children to be high achievers but still do the best that we could. It was more like work hard and not be lazy. If I didnt get As it wasnt the end of the world as long as I genuinely tried my best, and I didnt slack off. In a way my mom tried to pull the best of both worlds when raising us. The good American things and the good Chinese ways.

Personally my Aspergers has nothing to do with being asian or Chinese. Before my diagnosis I blamed my dad (who I later found out is also aspie) for my social problems and being selectively mute for 9 years. But its not my dads fault since my siblings came out socially fine.

I realize my selective mutism had a huge part in the intensity of my Aspergers. As of being from an asian upbring. The only thing I can think of is that my parents never thought their was anything wrong with me so I never got help I needed. Its a very asian thing to want ur kids to be perfect: thinking theres something psychologically wrong with ur kid is something most asian parents dont wanna think. I always did my work and behaved, so that good enough for them even tho I didnt talk. Most American parents would realized theres something wrong with their kid if the kid doesnt say anything. The school officials used to tell them things, and my parents mostly ignored it.

I read a couple of recent articles promoting a parenting style called "the Chinese mom" and I thought that they indicated that the parents were seriously unfulfilled and had a pathological lack of self worth. They created an unhealthy stereotype based on exaggerating a few selective perceived differences between Western and Asian custom.

(Having said that, I have two kids and pushed both into piano and nothing less than an A grade in every subject, unless there is a doctor-certified reason for failure!).

Sounds like nurture. Sounds like your mom had control over your life and pushed you while sacrificing your social skills. My parents were the opposite and didn't push me at all. They did have limitations like not being able to hang out with anyone after school hours whose parents were not friends with them. I voluntarily choose to go to the library and read through the encyclopedia/books. Honestly, you sound like most of the asian guys I know. Most of them also don't have girlfriends, they just find each other and hang out. Sounds like you were just unlucky or too late. In general if you aren't able to make at least one good friend by the end of elementary school you are pretty much screwed because everyone else has their cliches and rare to accept someone who isn't bought in by another. I know this from personal experience. I didn't have any friends until the 3rd grade when this girl from Vietnam came into our classroom and I was the only other Vietnamese girl who could translate. One guy I know has never even kissed a girl. I highly doubt that many asian guys can have asperger's although I am not saying it can not be hidden by nurture. Especially if you are an only child, the lack of social skills and shyness might be attributed to that as well. Sounds like you weren't regularly exposed to anyone who had an actual conversation with you (screaming is not communication). I have 4 sisters and 4 aunts who lived with/down the street. All of them are extremely well socialized in not a good way (my way of saying they are manipulative and dramatic and managed to get me in trouble for not doing their homework for them, yes they blackmailed me). Aspergers/HFA is clearly present in my grandfather, uncle, all three of his kids and myself. We stand out among them like black on white. My guy cousin had it so bad that he dropped out of high school and just does the same thing everyday. That seat cushion on my grandparent's sofa will be permanently imprinted with his butt print. He is 19 and has no future because he already made the choice that even going outside is not worth it. The last time he left the house that I know of, he went to my sister's engagement party and ended up locking himself in the restroom because of the amount of unfamiliar people. His mom was half chinese but she was definitely not a "chinese mom" as described in the article. If anything she was super social because she compensated for my uncle's lack of social skills. I kind of enjoyed seeing the disguised look on her kids look when she tried to interact with them in a super affectionate manner. But in the end I am not a trained professional so the best way of working through your issues might be to consult one. I have found them to be very understanding and even if they suspect you of Aspergers they treat you as a human being.

No, there is something more than just my upbringing. I didn't hang out with the other Asian boys either. In fact, during Chinese school, the other boys would always go outside during break to play football. The girls would...do whatever girls do (gossip?) I would walk around the building alone. One time, one of the friendlier boys invited me to play football, but I declined. (BTW, Chinese school is a terrible way for Aspies, or at least me, to learn. It's basically reading text slowly aloud and in unison with the entire class. And lots of copying of characters. I stopped retaining any knowledge of new Chinese words after about 13.)

This is a very interesting topic, as I am Asian myself. My mom and dad have stated on many occasions that in many Asian cultures such as China, they do not consider 'Social' and 'Personality' disorders to be serious issues. For example, I read that in China, people who would meet the criteria for Social phobia are in fact respected by their peers and in a position to be considered for leadership,this itself is rather contrasting to western conventions. Also in China, solitariness and/or a poor grasp of social skills are not considered to be serious impediments. In my family, I can identify 3-5 people who would qualify for a diagnosis of AS/SAnD/SPD. As for the Nature vs. Nurture debate, I do not believe there is a higher occurrence of AS in Asian people, but there definitely is a higher occurrence of AS traits and I would believe those are definitely associated with culture.

I attribute stupid racial stereotyping by society to be one of many reasons why I was diagnosed with AS so late in my life. What a shock it must've been for people to come across an Asian that is neither intelligent nor gifted at squat. *GASP*

yeah i have struggles over this as well. I grew up in a very pro-Western environment so it was even harder for me

I'm 1/2 Caucasian and 1/2 Chinese, also with a "Chinese Mother". I've always wondered if there was a relationship to my asperger symptoms and how much it is made worse by the "Chinese mother" effect.