Living up to others' expectations is taking a toll on me

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Ever since I was 16 (I'm 20 now) I haven't been feeling myself. It started when I was 15 and in my freshman year of high school. I still liked kids stuff (and still do), like Spongebob and other cartoons while all my friends started watching shows like Grey's Anatomy and Desperate Housewives. And I was judged for liking Spongebob.

Plus I was struggling with body image issues(and still am). I've always been overweight and have had trouble finding cute clothes in my size. I've always wanted to wear Hollister and other name brand clothes, but I just couldn't fit in them. And when I was 10, one of my friends said I should wear clothes more suitable for my age (and by suitable she meant more grown-up.) So I've been trying my darnedest to find stylish clothes ever since.

I have also been socially rejected by other peers many times. They would exclude me from their groups, talk about me behind my back, and make fun of me simply for who I was.

All of the things have given me stomachaches, headaches, fatigue, and extreme stress over the years, and it's taken a toll on me. And many times I've thought about killing myself just to end it all because I don't think I can take anymore of this crap. But the only reason I haven't done it yet is because of my mom and grandma. They are the only reason I'm still here today. Otherwise I'd be dead by now.

Hiya,

I hope you do not mind me posting a reply. I am a mum to a child with ASD but I am not ASD myself. However I do have experience with the same feelings that you have now when I was your age. Also from around the age of 16 I struggled with my body image and I ended up having an eating disorder. University was the worst as I was away from my home and my only true friend and I felt really alone and lost. I would cycle out on my own in the early hours of the morning hoping I would get hurt - stupid I know, but life felt so crap. Like you family really stopped me from doing anything really stupid.

I am 38 now and confident in who I am (kindof). Unfortunately being young whilst not having a grey hairs and wrinkles ( ) is an extremely tough time. I used to get really cross when my mum used to say that getting older helps you understand who you are, but it is true.

You need to find people who like the same things as you do and avoid people that bring you down, life is too short to be surrounded by people that sap your energy.

I think things got better for me when I started to realise that I had strengths that others did not and that most people are just full of crap. The first step to feeling happier is to get confidence in yourself, to like yourself and to realise that what other people think does not matter (still working on that one!). I bet you have many many strengths, but others just remind you of your weaknesses.

I am probably talking a load of rubbish and I have forgoten what it is like to be 20, I will never forget the loneliness that is can cause. I hope I have been a little bit helpful.

The body I live in has been alive for 42 years.

I am Unable to comply with these non existant "rules"
that peple try to put on me.

I watch Spongebob, Teletubbies, Rugrats, Sesame Street,
Arthur, and I wear a big Tigger on my overalls.

and guess what?

I am not changing for anyone.

But me.

If I were foced to change I would end up dead,
I cannot live for anyone but me.

Why shood anyone comply with non existant
laws?

It sounds like you're having a really rough time. Just know that things can get better and your Mom and grandmom sound like they would be devastated if you were dead.

I understand the horrible stress from being rejected by people and not fitting in with ones peers. I had similar difficulties in college. What helped me was finding a good therapist (I had to go through 2 bad ones to get the good one) who let me talk out my problems and helped me figure out how to deal with what was causing the stress and anxiety. If there is a counselling center near you it could help to go and find someone who can help. Maybe your mom and grandmom could help. My mom has been my biggest supporter and advocate when I was feeling the worst.

Good luck and just remember that the people who created Spongebob probably make more money than your peers who teased you will ever see in their lifetime.

Screw other people. Be yourself. Don't fall for the horrible society we live in.