I have read that if you think you are, you probably are, but I have never seen a professional to discuss it, but I would like to describe my personality and get feedback of what I am and where I should go and what I should do.
I am 29 years old, divorced from a lesbian with whom I stayed for 11 years from meeting in high school in spite of the obvious relationship problems that could cause out of fierce loyalty and remain close friends with her. I am extraordinarily outgoing, yet incredibly socially awkward. I had only one close friend my own age before 9th grade, finding adults far easier to get along with than children.
When I meet people, I want to talk to them and engage them and learn about them, but do not know how to start, carry, or end a conversation, and am completely incapable of smalltalk. I have no awareness of "pop culture", refuse to drink alcohol on the grounds that I don't see the point, even when in a setting where it is inappropriate not to drink. One date once commented as she took the bill in a pub: "two glasses of water! Expensive date!"
I am very very wordy in writing, expressing myself well and at great length. At the age of 8 I wrote my first fiction story, a 15-page account of how a child my own age had discovered that their grandfather had been responsible for the JFK assassination. Now when I have a conversation with a person, I feel obliged to follow up in writing, usually at great length, and without any of the restraint I may have demonstrated in person.
I am fiercely loyal and my word is my bond first, last, and always. I once promised a girl I briefly dated that I would always be her friend no matter what a future partner thought, and the next wanted her out of my life. This created enormous emotional trauma for me and the result is that I am no longer in touch with either, which continues to bother me. I will not be a half a second late for something for which I have committed to a time, I will not leave work for tomorrow at the office if it is physically possible to do it today, even if it means staying very late -- unless staying late interferes with a promise I made to someone else, in which case I feel conflicted but go with the personal promise over the professional one. My loyalty is so strong that even if someone I have become loyal to throws me under the bus and completely derails my career, as has happened to me in the last few days, I would still be for them should they ever come to me for help in any way. The few people in my life who I have let in and become close to could call me at any time for the rest of my life and I would drop what I am doing and be at their side, no matter the inconvenience or distance.
As a hobby, I watch trains. I have taken some 75,000 photos of them across 3 continents and post every last photo and video I take of them to my website, where I sometimes get emails from the parents of autistic children thanking me for them.
I read and memorise license plates. I can tell you the license plate and birthdate of nearly every girl I have ever dated. I have phone numbers in my head that I have not called since elementary school, and have an easier time remembering someone's IP address or phone number than their name. Growing up, my favourite passtime was drawing and following mazes and learning about major disasters, particularly shipwrecks.
If I ask someone to be friends, regardless of any feelings I have for them, I am asking them only to be friends, something that many people have difficulty with. My emotions tend to be bottled and outwardly I am always very happy, positive, outgoing, generous, and helpful, but it was difficult to learn. In elementary and early high school I was known as "Spaz" and would frequently lash out in uncontrolled anger when teased or misunderstood.
While I like to use subtlety, I have difficulty understanding anything that is not a literal truth, and cannot manage contradiction. As a young child, my father asked me to "push the door back" as I helped him with a construction project in the basement. This statement led me to complete confusion until my mother assessed the situation and advised me to "push the door straight", which I promptly did. For another example if someone tells me that they are only interested in being friends, I interpret that as an interest in being friends, and if my integrity or honesty is challenged I lash out ferociously, in writing, as honesty is something I do not consider in any way optional or ambiguous. As a result, people do not understand me and are rarely willing to take the time to get to know me, even if they appear to like me or state that they do.
What am I, what do I do about it, and how do I clean up the social damage I have left behind and live my life going forward?
David
25 Jan 2011, 12:15 pm
