Feelings of guilt.

Post Reply New Topic

Hello there. I am a single mum with four kids, my eldest (19) having AS. When my son was finally diagnosed last year, it was a big relief to us, and it has helped a lot. However, I did have to deal with a lot of feelings of guilt, as I had felt that I had let my son down, as it was not diagnosed earlier. Liam had always been 'different' growing up, and I often found him being compared to his 4 month younger NT cousin, by other family members, as not measuring up. My ex-husband would often comment with; "there is something wrong with that kid", whereas my response was denial...I knew my son was highly intelliegent, musically and artistically gifted, kind-hearted and funny. How could anyone say there was anything wrong with him? Once he hit high school, he really started to have some serious problems. I was told he was lazy, unco-operative and stupid. He was always in detention for not doing his homework. He was bullied badly. The only way I found out about this, was when he was caught with a hammer in his bag. When asked why he had a hammer at school he said; "I'm going to hit someone on the head with it. (the bullies). He was also having serious stressed-induced meltdowns by now. He was seen by health professionals at this time, and I was given varied reasons for his difficulties, ranging from "he is just spoilt" to " he has bi-polar disorder". Well, I knew he was neither! It was not until we moved to AU from NZ that we finally got an accurate diagnosis. I just can't help feeling guilt over all those terrible years at high school, how Liam struggled through with out help. Both myself and his therapist (on behalf of his previous health-professionals) have apologised to him. I just hope it is not to late for me to give him the understanding that he needed back then, now.

hi i went to high school in brizzy as an undiagnosed aspie and yip it was pretty tough.
dont beat yourself up, my dad was an aspie and i am too so is my son.........my problem is that my sons mother wont acept my aspiness or acknowledge our son has ..autism she ponders?
anyway..you have a blessing that you have a diagnosis..i found that once i was diagnosed i became self aware and accepted mydiagnosis i feel really good abut it, ihave a son a well paid job and i live alone independantly....it isnt your fault..dont feel bad feel glad that you have an answer and that your son can go on and be productoive from this point on...a lot of men out there arent diagnosed iuntil their 50's or 60's and after 3 wives..jail homelessness etc.........your son had a bit of bullying at high school, yip this is tough but he has just started life which is a lot tougher.........you need to move on put the past behind you both and focus on a very important transisiton period for him into adulthood and getting an dkeeping a full time job. your lucky you have a diagnosis now dont feel remorse and good luck.

Hi Donkey, Thanks for the reply and the understanding. You are right, of course. It is much better to have a diagnosis, and move on from there. My son is now at TAFE doing multi-media, and into his music and art. I believe he is happy with his life right now, and although he worries about the future sometimes, (getting a job etc.) well, there may be some difficulties, but at least we have the knowledge now, and hopefully he will be ok.

shivani

aspies are always losing jobs gettign sacked commiting suicide or bein g homeless, usually have a weak attatchment to parents and just get lost in life in general...your lucky if you still live on the coast as there are world experts working outta brizzy..tony attwood is there...anyway your so lucky to have a diagnosis if my father did, he wouldnt have lost his family his marriage or been in jail.....your son has had a tough past but aspies are resilient you need to look forward to the future it is a good oner for him and you now..the bullying will stop from all sides if he accepts what he has and tolerates it and deals with it well.
if you wanna chat then gimme a privat emessage and we can exchange e-mails.
i still have family in brizzy althou i live in the uk now.

Hi, your story sounds similair to mine. I am the mother of 4 and I'm in the process now of getting my oldest (21) a formal diagnosis. I started taking my son to doctors when he was three because he wasn't starting to talk, and had poor coordination. I'ts frustrating to know that over all those years none of the doctors picked up on it. I first heard about AS when a friend of mine showed me an article she had read in the newspaper. It sounded alot like my son. So, I took him to a psyciatrist and specifically asked if he might have AS, she said no, and said it was anxiety. He's been treated for that and for ADD, OCD, and now depression. I kind of forgot about it since she said he didn't have it. But recently, my mother-in-law saw a program about autism and asked if we ever looked into that, cuz it sounded to much like my son. So, I asked a the neurologist we had been seeing for headaches about it. He thought it was a possibility and set us to go to a clinic. What frustrated me was that his neurologist didn't bring it up himself, it wasn't till I suggested it that he considered it. I went to get my son's school records to take to our appointment, and there was a note from the language therapist suggesting he get tested for aspergers dated about 4 years ago. No one ever suggested it to me. I feel more frustrated that the people who work with children everyday and the doctors never identified it. I do feel a little guilty that I wasn't more pushy and just took the psyciatrist's word that he didn't have it. I have later found out that we need to see someone that deal specifically with autism. I also wish I would have know sooner, it may have helped him deal with school problems. Maybe the teachers would have had more patience with him. I'm glad you finally got your diagnosis. I hoping we will be able to also. My son is having a hard time adjusting to life outside school, he's having a hard time getting a job, and I afraid he might have a hard time keeping one. He's always tired and unmotivated. Thanks for listening.

jeanie it is easy to blame others............i never did i wasn tdiagnosed till i was 32 and i am not cross i am so relieved that i am a good guy and not a bad kid i thought i was....build on this and if you want to talk them privat message me

Hi Jeanie,
Oh, your story makes me sad. Unfortunately, I do know how it feels to be 'fobbed off' by health professionals. It was a little different for me, because to be honest, I had not even heard of AS until it was suggested to me here in Australia. When I then started researching, I found for the first time, something that fitted. I look back on all those 'experts' that saw Liam in NZ, and think that perhaps they did not know much about it either, at the time. AS was only added as a subtype of the PDDs in the DSM - IV in 1994. My thoughts are perhaps it took a while to filter down to NZ! (The world expert on AS resides in Brisbane). I understand the 'tired and unmotivated' mood, too. I think there is even a name for it, 'autistic inertia'. When Liam feels down, he sleeps all day, up all night, does not eat, is unable to do anything. I could recommend some great books, if you want to pm me. I would like to keep in touch to see how guys are going. It's not an easy road sometimes.

austistic inertia?
im glad there is a name for that i had it for 3 years!
i thought i was depressed.

i get it daily now, but it is under control i find i lack mativation to do some things and if i dont have the tv remote control handy i just watch what is on at that moment, then i snap out of it and get to doing something, i founf that since i cut out sugar and softdrink out of my diet...i used to eat a lot of chocolate and pepsi and a lot of aspies do but since i cut this out i have more energy.

Hi Donkey,
Yes, I have heard that diet can be helpful. Some recommend gluten-free, but Liam is very fussy about his food. (He won't eat anything yellow, for instance!).

I don't think that you should feel too guilty. If you loved him and helped him learn and grow and deal with life in the best way that you could, then you did what was right. We are just parents, not gods!

My husband feels a little guilty since our son wasn't diagnosed until he was 8 (by us!) and later, at 10 (school psychologist). I thought my son was "normal" in the same way I was "normal". I grew up okay and I assumed he would too. After all, variety is the spice of life! It took me quite awhile to see that the label isn't always an unneccesary thing. It can sometimes be helpful, especially for those who have to catagorize everything! Truthfully, we didn't really need the label until he entered the public school system. Before that, we just dealt with him in the way that he would respond to and learn with. It worked. There isn't much that I would do differently if I could do it over again.