Sleepless, depressed and lost at what to do

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The background info, well I'm a 33 year old with an Asperger's diagnosis in a very small northern European country, so small I feel uncomfortable naming which one. I got my diagnosis late, so high in my teens I was no longer a child. And as I write this I realize I probably should have introduced myself in the introduction forum but I'm terrible at that kind of stuff. I'm very glad I found this place, because I have no idea what to do or if this is just me and everyone else has magical mystical happy funtime AS lives where help promised = help delivered and equal rights are respected in practice as well as in word. Sometimes talking to so-called professionals that's the image they give of care given to people with AS today as opposed to ye olde medieval days of yore back oh, 8 years ago. I rather suspect they're full of bovine excrement, the alternative is that they just really hate me to not want to bring me into their fairytale land.

I've noticed that surely but slowly I'm having more trouble sleeping, I'm also getting less and less enjoyment out of my hobbies, my moods are turning darker and the medication that kept me going for quite a few years now feel as weak as a newborn kitten. I know what these signs mean unfortunately. Usually I can distract myself away from, well, reality. Like the fact that there's no room for someone like me on the job market, not when there's oily ex-bankers to hire, and despite the fact that I'm supposed to have an equal right to an education as an NT with same grades the education system has told me to shove off too. Lately, the movies, comics and games are not enough to distract me from the fact that everyone else around me has some sort of future that they are working towards and I have nothing. And when I try like I'm told I'm supposed to, I am not given any assistance in attempting regardless of whether I ask or am supposed to be afforded by law said assistance, and then when I inevitably fail because I couldn't even get 10 minutes of someone's time unlike the NTs who can get that help, the system punishes me monetarily for having tried and failed. It all just seems so pointlessly hopeless.

I don't really feel I have anyone to turn to or even voice my feelings to. My family is carrying so much other than me, those closest to me are buckling under the strain of another much younger family member with AS, another with acute social anxiety and ADD as well as financial difficulties on the other side of the family. I try my best not to be a burden, I know I am, but I try to at least minimize what I put on them. What RL friends I had have left, as in left the country. Even when they were around they were the kind of friends who, if I were to call them to just see how they were doing, would tell me they'd call me back tomorrow. They'd then call back in 3+ months. Because they needed help with their computer. I.e. perhaps not the best examples of friends one could strive for and certainly not the kind that inspire one to confide in. My online friends, I value being seen as an equal too much to share with them that I have AS - it always changes things for the worse and I'd rather be the slightly crazy hardcore gamer they love being teamed up with.

My doctor has no experience with Autism other than me but he's a nice enough man who is kind without being condescending, which to me having had my diagnosis for over a decade, is such a delightful change I'd follow that man into fire rather than risk getting yet another know-it-all jerk. Now it also takes 3 weeks to get an appointment with him and he tends to be very booked so he's pretty unapproachable for an Aspie like me, it's not his fault, everything takes 3 weeks to get an appointment in this country it seems. For instance I was told in my university by the (guidance) counselor that if anything unexpected came up that I needed help with to come by and fill out a form for an appointment in triplicate and they could fit me in in about 3 weeks give or take. Not a useful solution for my my difficulties finding where my classes kept getting moved to each day. I know there's no professionals who have experience, or even much interest in adults with AS in my country. Everything is centered squarely around children since everyone knows kids with AS just grow out of their neurological conditions or end up in a group home zombied out on meds.

I'm not sure what to do, do I just pray that my doc can find another combination of medication that can keep me happy shooting zombies and slaying dragons for the rest of my life, keep my mouth shut regardless so as not to hurt those closest to me or what? I don't see a viable option other than to sit and hope but I'm being told it's becoming very difficult to find that combination because of how much stuff I've already built up resistances to or hasn't worked for me at all - or had drastically atypical reactions to. Meanwhile I can't sleep, I keep remembering things I've put a lot of years into forgetting, I can't focus on anything I like, I find myself sitting and I just .. shut off. I can't even put my frustrations into words properly (though that could just be poor English skills, it's not my native language). It's so infuriating that I have no one who's qualified to give me advice whom I trust. The one person I used to consider I could say such things to, well one day I said something and even though this person had worked with me in educating people on AS for 5+ years my feelings were dismissed because of my condition. Not even in a 'oh cheer up' kind of way but in more of a 'oh, that's just a chemical imbalance, not a real emotion worthy of acknowledging' kind of way. I'm finding that the trust I spend that's never returned isn't growing back and I have so very little left and I just don't know what to do. I don't see any viable options, I have no idea what other people do in these situations, let alone what does and doesn't work for someone like me. And I'm seriously freaking that maybe they're right and this time there won't be any working combination of meds to fix this.. and then I'll be screwed. Because there don't seem to be any alternatives.

Medication can help but putting all your hopes on medication probably isn't the most sensible thing to do. It does sound like you are depressed but you are in a depressing situation so I wouldn't necessarily consider that feeling to be unusual. I have personally found occupational therapy to be very useful in helping me cope with the challenges of being autistic in a highly social world. Cognitive behavioural therapy and exercise have also been useful. Going for a walk (or a run) can be very helpful in boosting mood and relieving anxiety and it's cheap too.

The important thing to remember is that you do have options. Doing nothing is one of those options. Start with something small (like a walk) and build from there. Don't compare yourself to other people your own age and don't think negatively about these little tasks. Do more everyday and try to use your time productively. I have a to-do list that I write every night for the following day and this really helps me keep focused and active.

Thanks, yeah the exercise is something I really need to do. Shoveling out the driveway yesterday exhausted me enough that I could finally sleep a bit. Therapy is... a difficult issue due to how the system works. Basically one session comes out to 20% of what I get each month. If I broke my leg and needed physical therapy I'd pay a fraction of that and past a certain point get even more significant discounts, a broken mind they cover nothing.

Oh, I wish I had something to say to you that was useful. I'm going through the same feelings myself, right now, even if the situation is a little different. I'm sorry that your feelings were dismissed by someone you trusted, especially the way they were dismissed. Using that kind of reasoning to brush aside someone's emotions is a really cheap move. Perhaps you could talk to this person? There's a good chance that they spoke without thinking, or at least without thinking how they would feel if someone said that to them.

Um, so, even though I don't have advice I wanted to tell you that I'm glad you've posted here, really. All of your worries are just too familiar. It is so heavy to carry and the people around you can't even see it. I wish for you that you'll be able to find even some small support, and please do your best to seek out help -- even from busy family, instead of drawing into yourself. It won't go away that way, I know for certain. I understand how hard it can be to find help of any kind if it's not a physical injury. It's strange how the most complex part of us is the most ignored in modern society.
Oh, by the way, I would never tell from your post that English isn't your first language! Your spelling and grammar is better than probably 90% of Americans. You put native speakers to shame, hahaha.


I guess a bit of advice, though don't take it too heavily because it's just my own speculation: I think you should be careful with medication, when you find one that really helps, take it easy on yourself and give yourself time to recover. A mistake I've made was thinking I needed to get back to active "life" right away because I sat around being depressed for so long. Give yourself time to heal, even your thoughts.
Outside of that, I can't say much because I haven't figured it out yet myself. I hope you're doing alright. :]