Freaked out newbie here/am I an aspie?

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Hello.

I'm new here.

Where do I start. I'm 38, live in Scotland, and I discovered yesterday that a better explanation for the utter mess that I am is not the current diagnosis that the doctor has (presently Borderline Personality Disorder(BPD): I've been through a couple of depressive disorders as well) may well be Asperger's Syndrome.

My suspicion, sitting here now after 12 hours reading yesterday and into the small hourse, and a lousy night's "sleep" is that I failed to interact with other humans as a child (I was bullied incessantly, and tended to hide in the library - I still find libraries comfortable places to be), then failed to get a job because I couldn't give the right cues on application forms and the few interviews I ever got, and that triggered depression and the other symptoms that look like BPD.

My (NT) partner has apparently suspected this for some time, and has been "hinting" about it, while knowing I'm lousy at taking hints. I wonder if this describes some others here as well. She did suspect OCD for w while, but ruled it out because I'm not excessively clean etc.

I've always known I couldn't interact with other humans (I say "other" with some caution - they feel like an alien species most of the time), but I had no idea this might be a symptom and so have never talked about it with my doctor.

So am I an aspie?

I went through the information on symptoms on this site and on Wikipedia, which pretty much clued me in. I then went through all the tests listed in the general discussion forum. I'll post my full results there later, but here are some lowlights:
Aspie-quiz
Your Aspie score: 148 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 55 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie

The Broad Autism Phenotype Test ...
Autistic/BAP
You scored 120 aloof, 109 rigid and 113 pragmatic
You scored above the cutoff on all three scales. Clearly, you are either autistic or on the broader autistic phenotype.

This is the one that really terrifies me, after I hoped I'd get a different result from a test that actually looks at response to emotional cues and making emotion-based judgments:
EIQ:
Snapshot Report
Self-report Component
Subscale IQ score = 55
Subscale percentile = 0.13

I can read a bell curve. No wonder I have no idea how to respond in social situations! This really has me freaked out. I know it's not diagnostic of a disorder, but it remains that I have no idea - probably even less than I thought - how to react in social situations. I'm supposed to be a member of a social species. I might as well be a lab rat.

I've often said how scary it is that the average IQ is 100. Right now I'm throwing that back in my own face. I'm despicable!

So, specific signs (from the WrongPlanet article on What is Asperger's Syndrome?)
The most distinguishing symptom of AS is a child’s obsessive interest in a single object or topic to the exclusion of any other.
I still do that now. It annoys many other people. I mean, it's not deep-fat fryers (it's various branches of natural history, especially birds) but yeah, that's me. That's always been me.

Children with AS will gather enormous amounts of factual information about their favorite subject and will talk incessantly about it, but the conversation may seem like a random collection of facts or statistics, with no point or conclusion.
I had to learn to stop doing this.

Their speech may be marked by a lack of rhythm, an odd inflection, or a monotone pitch.
Well, so I'm told.

Unlike the severe withdrawal from the rest of the world that is characteristic of autism, children with AS are isolated because of their poor social skills and narrow interests. In fact, they may approach other people, but make normal conversation impossible by inappropriate or eccentric behavior, or by wanting only to talk about their singular interest.
Er. [cringe] On the other hand, why do NTs (I've always used other words, such as "them", "humans" and "the horde", but "neurotypical" works!) only seem to want to talk about cheap beer, football and fashion? At least birds are interesting!

Children with AS usually have a history of developmental delays in motor skills such as pedaling a bike, catching a ball, or climbing outdoor play equipment.
That explains a lot. My Craft, Design and Technology teacher once told my mother, at a parents' evening that "he (ie, me) has a lot of good ideas. He's just utterly incapable of putting them into practice." Then there was Mr [REDACTED] Crowther, games teacher and all-round bully. I remember him giving me a ball at playtime and telling me to go and practice throwing it up and catching it. Being a bit independent minded, I decided to stuff this, and went to demand why I was being singled out. He then flung me in detention. It didn't help with the motor skills, it didn't help with the bullying, and it certainly didn't get a {REDACTED] diagnosis!

I could go on for hours about my motor skills!

They are often awkward and poorly coordinated with a walk that can appear either stilted or bouncy.
I was bullied for this - and many other things as well.

Many children with AS are highly active in early childhood, and then develop anxiety or depression in young adulthood.
Does a comorbid diagnosis of BPD count?

Apparently I'm also known to simply not register when someone is calling my name, even now.

Oh, you get the idea.

So, am I an aspie?

If not, does anyone know where I should keep looking?

If so, what now? I know I can't interact with other humans. Right now, I'm thinking about taking my camping gear and a spotting scope and heading for the most remote nature reserve I can find. That or heading for the Forth Bridges and jumping off. I've always known I'm useless. Know I know why.

There are people here who seem to be having more or less fulfilling lives. Do any of you have any better ideas?

Thanks for reading this. I hope it wasn't a waste of time for you.

Niall

Yes, there is a good chance you are an Aspie--posts by NTs are rarely as long and detailed as the one you just posted.

I'd say that most of us who are doing well have figured out how to take advantage of our unique talents--it can be quite useful to be an Aspie if you are a copy editor looking for mistakes--even better if you are editing a specialty publication with a highly picky audience. It is also likely that you can do highly repetitive or challenging work on your own quite efficiently--you don't waste much of your day with social interaction. It isn't unusual in an office setting for only a few hours of "real work" to be done each day. It is really important for an Aspie to find a job that is a good fit.

You can also learn to schedule the activities of daily life so that they are less stressful. For instance, I like to shop when stores first open--they are usually empty. It is also easier to interact with a cashier before they settle into their routine--helps to be their first customer of the day--they don't notice the missing eye contact because they have stuff to do.

Heh, sounds exactly like me a year ago - it's quite a shock when you start reading about this stuff and start to realise it's like reading an exact description of yourself, isn't it? And the more you read, the more it fits and the more it explains...

My attitude is that nothing has really changed; I'm still absolutely the same person I've always been, I just have a better description of myself. To be honest, outside of WP I haven't even discussed my (95% certain) suspicions with anyone other than an aspie I know over the internet - I'm still absorbing things & trying to keep it all in some kind of order. You might find that having a 'better description' gives you something to build on

Completely agree with BTDT, there are ways of organising things to suit yourself - I usually shop in supermarkets in Coatbridge between 9:30-10:00pm, once the screaming hordes have almost all cleared out

Welcome!

Welcome

Welcome to WrongPlanet, Niall!

It's an awful lot to take in at once, and it's utterly shocking at first to have independent confirmation of one's own difficulties with socio-emotional reciprocity. It certainly was for me. At the same time, though, after the initial fears wear off a bit, you realize that it's no different from what you were before you found out - except that now you have words you can Google, things you can learn, and strategies other people have devised to address the very same issues. And, of course, all of us!

You've got some good things going for you already - you've looked into what makes you tick in-depth, you've come here, and, most of all, you've got a partner who seems to be aware of what's going on and seems more interested in figuring you out (and helping you figure yourself out) than in running off scared.

Really, the things that help most are identifying the reasons for the things you do/the ways you are that bother you the most (and I'm emphasizing you, not random other people; only you know what's most important to you) and figuring out ways to deal with the root causes. Is it sensory hypersensitivity? How can that be remedied? Is it simple unawareness of social cues? If so, are there situations in which you might be willing to disclose your AS or explain why you can't respond as quickly or as easily or as "appropriately" as the average person? Is it... and you get the idea.

And, of course, we're always good for a few suggestions and answers to questions! Glad you found us.

Welcome greetings, fellow-traveler Niall, to the WP forums.

To WrongPlanet!! !

Hi

Thanks for this, everyone.

I'm feeling pretty low at the moment. Yes, I have some words to look up and understand, and I'm still the same person I was yesterday, but that doesn't help me deal with the underlying problem.

In reference to the entirely reasonable comments by BTDT, I did try becoming a copy editor/proofreader some years ago, and did make a bit of cash out of it, but it was petty cash, and not a living. I tried to get into this to avoid the job applications/interviews and the dealing with humans on a day-to-day basis. I also can't make a living chasing wildlife, although some formal study, remotely (e.g. Open University) seems like one option to at least make me feel I'm doing something constructive.

I simply can't sit and do nothing. It drives me (more?) insane.

I made the mistake of going into Dunfermline today. The short version is that I was reminded why I don't like humans. Doing all my shopping online only dodges the problem. I'll give some more thought to the organisation thing.

Jeyradan also says some sensible things.

I have no idea why my partner doesn't run. She often thinks I don't love her, which isn't the case at all. I have trouble showing it. She's the one who suggested Asperger Syndrome as a possibility.

My biggest issue is social cues. I've never known, for instance, whether a woman is being friendly, or flirting. I think I missed many opportunities that way. Don't get me started on the employment question. There was a time when I was doing a lot of voluntary work, but always made a real mess of the social thing. Meanwhile I was getting the monkeys at the Jobcentre asking why I had no work. I now realise it's because it's easy for some ned* who is able to bullsh!t and victimise to get a job, but not someone who isn't sure about making small talk.

I don't get the cues, and I don't see how I can learn the cues. No job. No hope.

* Ned (fem. nedette): A Scots word. Possible derivations include ne'er-do-well and non-educated delinquent. A person with limited education, probably in menial labour, working behind a checkout or in the brainless jobs in local government or the (un)Employment Service. Retail drug dealing and getting wasted are also common occupations. Always wears cheap knock-off of newest fashions or shoplifted genuine items. Commonly found on street corners drinking cheap beer or cider substitute, calculated on the basis of best unit alcohol volume/unit price ratio(usually the limit of their mathematical ability). Often the kids you remember as school bullies. A low-life. A typical neurotypical. Equates to English "chav".

A thought.

Is it just me, or are posts on here more literate than posts on most other sites with such forums? Is this a reflection of a tendency among aspies to be of above-average intelligence and a greater propensity to pedantry?

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

The best thing about knowing it's Aspergers is that it provides an explanation. Also the worst:

The good news is that you've spent your life with a bag over your head - which goes some way towards explaining why things haven't been going terribly well. That you didn't know about the bag didn't help, either. And being a bit obsessive about details, it'll be a while

The bad news is, the bag's there to stay. At least here there are other people around who know what it feels like.

Welcome to WP!

Welkome to WrongPlanet.

The WP Kink

Niall, even if you think the underlying problem can't be changed, trust me, the more you know, the more likely it is that they will. Not necessarily because you effect a change, or are even aware of its occurrence, but it's odd - analyzing something and going, "oh, man, this is sensorily overwhelming" instead of "oh, man, this sucks" makes things different without one's even realizing. It has been a little over three years since my own diagnosis, and far, far more things have changed than I chose to change (or even noticed changing).

What about making a living "chasing wildlife" by being a wildlife photographer, or writing information for non-profit organizations, museums, that sort of thing? You might even consider being a wildlife tour guide or docent (I know this sounds like interaction with people, but when you are in charge of the people, and they speak only to ask you questions related to your interests, it's somehow much easier). Things like this are just "petty cash," sure, the same way your copy-editing and proofreading were just petty cash, but they can also be stepping-stones. And they're an awful lot better than going insane doing nothing - at least you'd feel productive. You could work on your education at the same time (i.e., via Open University) if you wanted.