I think I have Asp. and its driving me crazy

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(Warning, it's kinda really long, so you don't have to read it if you don't want to)

Hi., my name's Brandon. I'm 11 and was stumbling on this forum due to google, and thought I'd at least
get a lot of my feelings out here.

I think that I have Asperger's syndrome, as quite a possibility after looking it up extensively. I seem to fit all the symptoms to a bone, so now I'm seriously considering it. First, I'm really anti-social. Well not really, or it's not like I want to be. I try really hard to socialize whenever I can. Make friends and do whatever. But I can't for some reason, and I'm always wondering whether it's me or the world that has the problem. But it's probably me. And by that, I mean it's me. It's me.

I always am pretty bored with school. I barely do my work because it's really easy and I don't bother re-learning it.
Plus my brother told me school doesn't really count until a certain point anyway. (But he's in highschool and doesn't get good grades anyway so maybee I shouldn't listen to him). I mostly finish what I can in school when I do do work and then just put my head down. The stupid teacher will usually notice and tell me to get to work. And I'll say I'm finished, and she'll notice that I am but tell me to put more effort into it. (How much effort can you show for simple math problems after finding the answer? Is it REALLY NECESSARY TO SHOW ALL MY WORK FOR 2 STEP PROBLEMS?!? 2+(10/5) IT'S 4 I KNOW IT DO I HAVE TO PROVE IT? REALLY?) So that always gets me bored.

And Recess isn't much fun either because I'm not very athletic, or just don't care for tag or that one game with the spinny twisty thing, whatever it is. (It's a game unique to our school) So I mostly just like to either peacefully walk, read a book, or lay on a bench pensively. But this Recess-aid lady always tells me I have to be doing something active, and I tell her I dont want to run around exhausted the whole recess. But she makes me join the other kids anyway and I hate it.

So later there's lunch and I think it's a time ripe for socializing. But the problem is always in the discussion, I find either I don't have anything in common with my peers or just don't know how to express it fun and its frustrating. Some kids just want to talk about sports, and I dont like that. Sometimes they talk about cartoons, but nobodies into anime so I try to discuss the 'funny' parts of shows like spongebob or some on cartoon network,as well as carefully explain them. They dont seem to get most of the jokes that I'm trying to say, the really funny sort of dirty ones anyway. (But Ohhhhh there get it if its just a stupid bang-slap-pow kiddy jokes, that's not really funny) This one time I tried to explain one of the best jokes to my best friend and he didn't really get it, so he asked a teacher to explain. And then I got in trouble for some reason O.O?

So there's nothing for me to talk about. I try to talk about some other things I like such as 'Homestuck' this one webcomic. (You can find it at mspaintadventures) and a lot of other internet things (I really like 'AMVs'). But nobody really understands that either. They only really care about FaceBook or Twitter, and I tell them how stupid it is and they don't listen. Sometimes we try to talk about music and i like a lot of rock and indies music. They only like Justin Beaver, and I hate him. I always try to explain how he was just made into a popstar for the sake of CEOs making money and exploiting them but they don't listen. I've even tried to explain fan-fiction to them, and they REALLY don't understand that. (Writings based off of other shows)

And finally I hate talking about real life stuff because it doesn't get anywhere. I know beforehand its useless to talk about politics or religion (I dont even think I'm educated myself enough to bother with it,and dont want to be told what to believe by my friends OR my parents, I reject most of their indoctrinations) so that only leaves causal stuff. But BOY do my friends know how to ruin that! My one friend Mark always whines about his Mother and how she yells at him and tells him to clean his room and 'blah blah blah she took away my X-box.' And I always want to scream 'YOUR X-BOX? PEOPLE IN BRAZIL JUST HAD THEIR HOUSE,FAMILY, AND LIVES TAKEN AWAY FROM THEM AND YOU JUST CARE ABOUT YOUR DAMN X-BOX OH WOO IS YOU' (The brazil thing didnt happen but that was an example) Anyway the point is they whine a lot about things that aren't real issues. They don't hear me complaining about the unceasing noise that plays in my head that I dont sort out or about how lonely I am in my world. I just keep it to myself because I dont see what help they could possibly be, assuming they weren't looking for one-sided conversations anyway.

So School is a bust. And my time at my other friend's house is like living in H.E.Double Hocky Stick. He has videogames, but he always pauses them randomly mid-game to TALK ABOUT HIS PROBLEMS. THAT HES TOLD ME A MILLION TIMES. And the worst part is there is no solution to them. They are typically about his family or school or whatever, so I try to be a good friend and give the genuine practical advice possible. And he'll nod his head but then say, 'BUT' and then re-alliterate the same problem he just said completely ignoring what I just said. And when I try to give real deep advice on the root of the problem (That he wont change or do anything about it other than his senseless whining) he throws a fit. ARGG HES SO BLACK AND WHITE ONE-TRACK MINDED ITS IMPOSSIBLE TO REASON WITH HIM. STOP ANSWERING MY SOLUTIONS WITH THE PROBLEMS CORRESPONDING TO THAT SOLUTION!
And it doesn't help that he throws his controller against the wall and freaks out un-necessarily when he loses or is losing in Smash bros, and doesn't play again unless I let him win.

And at home I guess there's nothing else to do. I don't watch TV often because I like very specific shows, and other ones I just watch on the internet. (A lot of anime, and not the dumb ones like Naruto or Bleach, cool ones like AngelBeats! and GaRei:Zero) I tried to learn to draw but after thinking about it for a while and trying for like a month I realized it just wasn't practical. (Not me drawing, just me making a living off it. How many artist are actually successful, independent, AND SELF-FULFILLED? Research tells me not enough) I also spend a lot of time on my moms laptop if you hadn't noticed. (I've spent 20 minuted already typing this all the way through. Most of my homework assignments are a only paragraph long so Ive done a weeks worth at least.) I want to write (by which I mean type) stories and fan-fiction but my parents dont encourage it ever since I told them what 'slasher fiction' was. Stupid internet overexposure + parents conservative backgrounds.

And I mentioned the thinking part, that's mainly the essential problem. (I honestly should have skipped everything but this part but maybee it will be insightful anyway) I over-think things. I've read that people with Aspergers tend to collect a lot of narrow knowledge. I sort of do that to excessively, but it comes in the form of false-sense awareness. (If that's possible)? I try to analyze myself, my world, my situation as realistic and to every possible problem. I try to otherthink about myself and my life, but it all never really amounts to anything. I think 'am I too shallow, too broad, too shy, too analytical' so I constantly try to adjust myself to these thoughts. But the thing that makes them false, is that I don't really know what I'm adjusting them for.

The question to that answer is 'what is life' or 'how should one live' I think a lot about these to but not as much as I think about it day-to-day. I think about the person I should be, the person I'm expected to be, what society expects of me, my role as an individual and of the human race, and just what/how I should live.

I do a lot of stimming as well. I walk, and I pace, and I pace and I walk. It helps me think, I just can't feel comfortable without doing so.

But this thinking is pointless because it's all subjective and there's no possible answer. No amount of thinking will tell me whether I should be a painter or business man or whatever. Or the right thing to do, because ethics wise that part I already know. (Or assume I know, since I don't want to harm anyone) But what should I live for? A meaningful life? An altruistic life to be helpful? A successful life? So many questions and so many problems. It's pointless to other-think it, but by now it's not really something I can turn off its completely passive.

You see I incorporate everything into a sort of larger picture than it really is. I over analyze everything and some how pull it into my massive yet small little world. When I hear lectures my teacher gives (However boring they may be) I feel I have to think and take something from it or somethings being wasted. When I watch shows or cartoons or read books I think about it on every level and try to relate it to every little thing to try to form a unified idea of what life is. (And answer all those questions like how to live or what to live for) But it's pointless when I'm taking meaning from things that aren't really there.

Let me show you what I mean. This one time I saw a cartoon/anime called 'ZatchBell' in which a bunch of demons fight with spells to become king and what not. There was this part where this girl 'Koko' was brainwashed to become 'evil' and do very vaguely implied horrible things. So her friend sherry set out to free her from the one that did it to restore her, and she eventually did. But towards the end Sherry realized Koko wouldn't be happy if she had all the memories of her 'evil' (and I use that word in the thinnest sense of the word) self, and then FORCED the demon that did it to erase her memories and revert her to before the events happened. This amounted to Koko being 'saved' and the two making up for their conflict, a happy ending.

But, BUT, here I was thinking 'Wait a second, so Koko does a few bad deeds as her evil-yet-still human self, and towards the end to make up for that, she get's RE-BRAINWASHED just to forget about it all as well as altered to make her more agreeable with Sherry?' Also I need to mention that part of the reason Koko got her self brainwashed was because of her conflicting views with Sherry. So how was her being 'saved' and restored amount to the two of them resolving their differences? Was the whole theme of that suppose to be 'don't go against someone with high class's opinions or viewpoint' or was it 'don't brainwash people unless you have a good reason to such as your friend not seeing eye to eye with you', both of which are wrong and contradictory. Of course it was CHILDRENS CARTOON AIMED WITH AESOPS TOWARDS CHILDREN WHO WOULDN'T THINK LIKE THAT, BUT IT ENRAGED THE HELL OUT OF ME. Nobody else would have noticed (Or cared), but the message being implied was downright... awful. It was sadistically conservative and misogynistic.

Let me clarify what was wrong with that, the moral and plot basically was:
'If you have a differing viewpoint, it's only a matter of time til you accept the extreme of that viewpoint and all it's vices while ignoring any truths to it. And that's evil. So the only solution/redemption to that grave evil is to give up and accept the opposite extreme, in which you will be vindicated.'

Also, I posted this part more in depth on a literature form a little bit ago, found here:
Google 'literature forum Koko' and click the website that says 'Why do I such have an obsession with this 'character'' at 'online-literature'.

Obviously I spent a little more time thinking through that one than I did here^.

Anyway I guess that sums it up. I'm anti-social because I can't form meaningful relations with people. I WANT to, but I always find people my age either absolutely irritable or just mundane. (Does thinking that make me a terrible person?) I accumulate vast amounts of over-analyzation with no use or purpose other than to occupy time. And quite frankly, I find it more enjoyable than hearing my friend's over-dramatized issues. But I'd really like someone I can relate to or take interest in. (Or someone that can take interest in me. I don't know anyone in real life that would have half the grit to listen through as much as you have read, assuming you are still reading.)

And to top it all off, I (as agreeing with another thread I saw here) have gender issues. More than a phase, I've wanted to cross-dress for years now, and have always identified better with females and feminine roles more than males/masculine ones. I wish/feel that I was/am a girl. So on top of being introverted, stoic, and possibly autistic, I have to deal with being transgendered as well. Just great.

So do I have Aspebergers, or at least some form of Autism? I spent the last 2 hours thinking (Yes all of the above only amounts to 2 hours of thinking summarized) about this and it's bugging me more than usual now that I've connected a lot together to a possible cause.

Any comments would be appropriated.

Wow, are you really only 11? You are so articulate and get everything across so clearly.

Do you have asperger's? I don't know, probably. I understand your frustration at not knowing why you don't fit in to the world.

I am 34 and am pretty sure I'm an aspie and it's driving me nuts. I can't stop obsessing about it.

What do your parents think?

Brandon:

Aside from reading, writing, and arithmetic, your brother is correct. School really only starts to count in highschool. However most colleges require everyone take statistics, and to do statistics you generally need to know some algebra, which requires some mathematical background that you generally learn in middle school. So school really starts to count in middle school I suppose.

Concerning your teacher telling you to spend more time on what you are doing...I ran into something similar in elementary school. If I complained something was too easy, I was told to do it anyway because "it should be easy for you then," which I thought was a waste of time, and if I finished what I was doing before the next assignment, I'd be given a "ditto" which was another sheet of work to do. In essence, there wasn't a set amount of work to do a day. There was a minimum amount of work, and if you met that quota, you would simply be given more work. Thankfully middle school and up is not like this! The work load is fixed.

If you feel you have AS then I encourage you to consider bringing it up to your parents or the school psychologist. There is assessment testing for children and many resources and social skills programs are available for children, and I do think a child with AS can benefit from these programs. A child without AS who has social difficulties may also benefit.

Have you talked to your parents about this yet?

I wrote at much the same level when I was his age. People with AS tend to have a high verbal IQ, and good written communication skills was by Hans Asperger in his subject.

Me? Clear? I should doubt the sincerity of that response, but I'll accept the compliment. (Only took me a dozen+ paragraphs
(￣ー￣)....)

Anyway,no I haven't talked to my parents about it, at least not seriously. I mentioned it occasionally and they just sort of went 'oh. Hmm. Maybee.' They're pretty busy so it's hard to get their sincere attention.

Chronos I see that that's the way it is, but I'm not satisfied with it. School is suppose to be a place of learning, not busy work. I'm upset that my school doesn't even have any gifted program or anything, all the lessons are soooo... basic.

With the schoolwork so lenient, I wouldn't have that much of a hard time if the teachers didn't give me any. But barring them, socialization is the harder part. I can easily 'dumb myself down' to make causal conversation (Obviously at the level one would expect from an 11 year old at least), it's just coloring me interested that is the difficulty.
I feel that I should see the intrinsic value of people and just naturally flow with it. But how much meaningful interaction can I get with shallow wigglers that cannot define themselves as anything other than what this contrived cultural-wasteland gives us.

I kind of liked a lot of things from the 1990s. My brother showed me a lot of that, it seemed like an age between when 'hip and pop' began but the rebellious heat of the counter-cultural was still flaring just enough to bask in it's warmth. Oh if only I could resuscitate this lost generation and melt this frost anew.

Bluh, that was way to poetic even for my taste. Anyway yeah I'll try to get my parents to talk to me about it. Any advice or comments on anything else I mentioned?

Typical aspergerian response to a compliment, I don't like being complimented either usually I feel that I don't need it and it makes me feel embarrassed (when I was younger this tendency was much worse though).

But I am sorry I must further say that you would make an excellent writer (although it seems you could do many things very well just from reading this). My point is that I am 22 years old, an engineering student, I've worked in software engineering but I have a variety of interests and topics that I know more about than the average person (although I don't consider that a feat ), but comparatively I would say I am reasonably intelligent... and yet I really enjoyed reading your post and thought it was very articulate. (although I didn't fully understand the part about Koko... probably will have to read your other stuff about why a possible moral is 'don't go against someone with high class's opinions or viewpoint').

My advice for you is not worry too much about socializing with other people, try to do something with your talents and improve them NOW. This is a big mistake I made, I worried too much about fitting in and trying to find someone to SHARE my interests with. There's usually no one, unless you find some older people who respect you.

You can do this by finding a mentor, (like find someone who writes for a living and ask their advice) if you can't find someone like that, at least start writing things and try submitting them to magazines or something like that, or at least build up a portfolio (SAVE your work, no matter how stupid you think it is, I was overly critical too) or try to get some literary critics to analyze your work on the internet. Similar advice for other types of interests you might have.

You know your parents better than I do... but try to find a way around that, either don't tell them what you write or write stuff that they would approve of, there's plenty of things to write about that aren't offensive (annoying I know )

I've rambled but basically don't delegitimize your talents, and try to work on something you do well consistently, build up self discipline. TALENTS ARE WORTHLESS without self discipline, and try to figure out what people who make a living doing these things have to do everyday and see if you can do that. Like... if they work 8 hours doing something, see if you can make yourself sit down for 8 hours and do that.

Once you do this, people will start talking about you probably as a nerd, but another good thing about this is that you increase your chances that you will meet someone like yourself in person because they will be more likely to hear about you.

These are just some of the things I wish I had done growing up. If you are successful in this don't become arrogant, recognize that a lot of other people go through life without your talents, so if anything you should be MORE respectful of their situation. If they don't have the impetus to learn you should just be grateful that you do and not look down on them for it, there's nothing they can do about it and by comparison there's really very little you did with yourself because you were born with your abilities.

Anyway's I know you will probably rip me for complimenting you again but maybe you'll remember my advice later

I can relate to your history to some point. Maybe if internet existed when I was 11, I would've found it earlier ... I also talk or write a lot, got problem getting with other of my own age.

But social awkwardness and school's lack of motivation can be also a neurotypical behavior. You could be a really intelligent shy kid, which would explain boredome and social problem.

You'd have to seek for more specific symptoms. How do you feel when someone else touches you? How's your handwriting? Do you have reading problem? Are you clumsy? How do you react to pain? How do you react to loud noises, do you have sensory overload? Do you have migraine, if so where is it located?

As for women clothing, it may only be because you are touch sensitive and prefer the softness of women's cloths, nothing to worry.

If you do have Asperger, believe a guy who just found it out at 28 years old, get some help as soon as possible.

Haha, where did he say that? I think you might be mixing up two different threads

Maybe I misunderstood what he meant, it wouldn't be the first time , I'm french so to me cross-dress means dressing like the other gender!! !

Oh haha, apologies, totally missed that paragraph in his email for some reason. I tend not to read the very ends of things sometimes.

I can completely relate to what it was like at your age. AS in middle school was absolute hell. Just stay strong, write all the fan fiction you want, and don't let anyone change you. Know that it gets better as the other kids stop feeling the herd mentality as strongly and start to develop personalities. Just stay tough.

The bolded part. It sounds to me like more than a desire to wear a particular kind of clothing.

Edit: What I mean is, I'd rather take the OP's self-reporting at face value. It's not as if 11 is too young for anyone to know their gender.

I don't know if you're asperger. Nonenthless you should certainly look at giftedness, it can easilly be confonded with asperger, and from your posts I'm pretty sure you're gifted.

You should take a look here: http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/eric/fact/asperger.pdf

You could also look at this forum: http://www.giftedhaven.net/forum/index.php

Brandon you're basically right about the 90s.

Try and become a person that is timeless. Learn more about decades past; although you've known only the 21st century exclusively, the 20th century moved extremely quick, so start there.

FWIW, I had the same type of speaking style as you when I was 11. You might be on to something.

Enjoy!

Well for starters I like brainy people so I think you are really cool.
It is a shame your school does not have a gifted program but unfortunately public school has more to do with socail darwinism than it does education. Why dont you talk to your parrents about passing you a few grades because the work is not challanging you and you already know all this stuff? In some ways your like a little man in a school full of prepubesant neranderthals (sp...I am legally deaf so my spelling is pretty bad) Anyway, you seem to fit the higher fuctioning end of the autism spectrum. I am a writer too. I write poetry and working on getting published. As far as your parrents go, if they dont support you, dont tell em what you are going to do. I have a friend of mine I grew up with, however, when it came time to go to college, he wanted to go into film production. His dad did not approve and would not pay for art school. When after meeting with me, he found out that it cost alot less than his dad told him it did, and he went there while working full time. He now makes good money as a comercial film dirrector, and ironicly his dad is bragging about his son's job to anyone who will listen.
So if they dont support your dreams, it does not really matter, just do it your own way. As far as school goes though, I suggest you advance to high school and work on getting a dx so you can get accomidations for your social difficulties.

other than that you will find alot of people here that think like you, welcome to wrongplanet,

by the way, I am Jojo

Yo Brandon,

Yes you have AS. That makes you very lucky, but it also means you have some hard work ahead.

The real world is a vibrant, beautiful, complicated, wonderful, dangerous, exciting mess. Learn to embrace it. If you can't see a purpose in life, it means you have the opportunity to create one for yourself. Don't waste the opportunity.

Other people need baby steps to understand math. You may need to take baby steps to understand social interactions. If it's frustrating, remember that math is frustrating for a lot of people, and you can fake social interactions better than they can fake math skills.

Read everything you can. That's the only way I made sense of things.

BTW, you have a talent for writing. Leverage your talents.

Good luck!