Ok. I will try to not make this a giant wall of text that no one will read this time.
My name is John. I am 34 years old. I've been married twice, soon to be divorced twice. I have three kids that don't live with me.
I've been bullied and belittled all my life by my family, kids at school, teachers, both spouses, etc. I felt for a long time that I was defective and this was just my lot in life. I still have trouble feeling self worth, but I guess I'm getting better. I have a girlfriend now who is supportive of me, so that's a big help. Though sometimes I feel bad because I'm like another kid for her to raise even though I am a grown man. I've never really lived on my own and I'm not really sure that I could. I did drive a truck for a few years, so I technically lived by myself in the truck. Existed may be a better term. I really wasn't taking care of myself.
Anyhow, I'd been searching for quite some time to figure out exactly what is wrong with me. I was prescribed antidepressants in high school and again in my 20s, though I didn't feel like depression was it. I was depressed, but I didn't think medication was the answer because I was depressed about things going on in my life. I was released from the navy during bootcamp with a diagnosis of 'depressive disorder with schizoid tendencies' and 'mixed personality disorder.' I read up on schizoid and learned that it's antisocial behavior, but had quite a bit of trouble with the mixed personality disorder. One of my friends from school, who was studying psychology, finally found a definition for me. Something about having symptoms of various disorders but not enough in any one to make a diagnosis. Of course, I suppose it was a rushed interview and maybe if it was longer I would have a more proper diagnosis.
Which brings me to a few months ago. I was doing google searches on what I perceived my symptoms to be and stumbled onto Aspergers, which I'd never even heard of before. But as I read I had a series of 'aha' moments. More 'aha' moments as I watched videos on youtube from people with aspergers. One of which talked about his site so here I am. I've been lurking around since about November reading your stories and feeling like many of you are telling my own story. I finally built up the courage to post. Not sure what I expect to come of it, but I figured I have to start somewhere.
I've been considering going back to talk to some sort of doctor again now that I feel like I know a bit more about whatever is wrong with me. I've been putting it off because I feel like they won't believe me. Most everyone I've talked to about it says 'But you seem pretty normal to me' but from what I understand, it's not unusual for an adult to become more adept at covering up their symptoms to appear more 'normal.' I don't spend much time around anyone to get noticed either, I suppose. Most don't know that I have a family history of mental illness, or a personal history of self harm and suicide attempts.
Ugh, I'm gettin more deep than I'm comfortable with at the moment so I guess I'll stop rambling and just leave it at that for now. Thank you for reading.
23 Feb 2011, 5:03 am
