just when i think....

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..my stepson has made some progress he slams us with something else. it has been a huge hurdle with him to integrate him into our family. it took years to develope a relationship with his brothers. now all of a sudden he is using this as a tool to get what he wants from them. the other day he distroyed $100 at least worth of my personal items like make up and body sprays. i yelled at him. then i sent him to his room. then i talked to him about how he knows he can't have that stuff and that's why i keep it WAAAYY up high. he agrees he knows he isn't allowed to touch it and says he won't do it again, and he's sorry. then twice the same day he is caught telling my son to get it for him or else he's not gonna be his friend at school anymore and threatening to 'slap his face off his neck'. the next morning i wake up, bathroom lock is broken and he had painted my baby's face with nail polish and insisted it wasn't his fault because his brother helped him get at my stuff. when i asked his brother he said he had to because SS told him he was gonna push him on the hill at school if he didn't do it and make him not have friends. i know it might sound dumb but my 4yo who is getting talked into doing these things already has a lot of social anxiety and doesn't like school because he doesn't like being away from home all day. so step-son comes home on friday and zooms past me. i get the thought that i should look in his pockets because he looks like he's up to something. his pockets are full of toy cars from school. i look in his coat. he has someone elses mittens on, then i realize he has someone elses shirt on under his sweater. i asked him where he got the stuff from and he says it's his and i don't know what i'm talking about(yeah, okay. whatever) i told him i buy the clothes and do the laundry and i know those things aren't his. his response is to start screaming as loud as he can. i sent him to his room and made him stay in there all night(was supposed to be until he stopped his screaming but he kept going and yelling at us and destroying stuff in there). so today we went out for some 'family time'. this was supposed to be fun. he picked his hat and mitts and everything out himself as usual. we went and got milk and donuts, then we sat in a little area at the end of the mall where it's quiet because they closed that wing of the mall for renovations which were not taking place at the time because it's the weekend. the area just has closed stores and benches. so we set up our little 'picnic'. that went fine, i guess. we stopped at a store quick to pick something up we needed and headed out to the river to feed some ducks like we usually do. step-son pulls out a pair of mittens that have the tags still on and aren't his and says"oh, look i got new mittens." yes, stolen from the store we were just in, which he denies stealing. so obviously i didn't let him wear them and he had a huge meltdown. he claims he hates his mitts and he can't wear his horrible hat when he is the one who picked them out of the box at home. at this point the river is right there and i promised my other kids they could see the ducks and that was pretty much what the outing was for. step-son made the rest of the walk miserable with his screaming about the mittens i stole from him. then he threw rocks at the ducks and tried to headbutt my baby. i sent him to his room again. i don't know what else to do. i am going to change his name to Swiper(like on dora) if he can't keep his hands off things that aren't his and i am fed up with him trying to manipulate my children. whenever he does stuff like that it seems to erase any of the good he's done or any of the progress he's made. at this point i'd rather he go back to hurting himself and not talking than to do things against my kids and getting them involved in this stealing and lieing thing. how am i supposed to stop him from doing stuff like this? i know, it's one thing after another with this child and it seems like not much of it is good at all. i am so angry at him right now for the lieing, the stealing and manipulation and sneaking and dragging my kids into it, threatening them and being overall disrespectful to the adults. it's like he couldn't care less about anything other than getting what he wants when he wants it and it doesn't matter how far he has to go to get it even when he knows very well what he is doing is wrong.

I notice you make a distinction between him and your kids. It might be that he picks up on the fact that feel differently about him than you do them, and you are subconsciously alienating him, so he is calling you that, by both demanding your attention and testing the integrity of the bonds you have with him.

In other words, he might doubt you love him, or at least be angry at some perceived favoritism or emotional exclusion of him, real or not....there was a Brady Bunch episode about something like this.

Do you ever take him out by himself to have some special time with him? Why don't you start doing that once a week and see if there is any improvement in his behavior.

I think it's also worth a mentioning that not every bad thing he does is for attention or out of anger. The stealing probably is, the makeup probably isn't.

I bet he wanted to get at your makeup because something about the makeup seemed fun, and he wanted to play with it. You might get him his own makeup and let him do what he wants with it, within reason.

My mother once bought me a can of shaving cream to play with after I made a massive mess in the bathroom going after a fly with her shaving cream when I was 7.

Something is very wrong and most likely he is crying out for help. Is there an adult he is particularly close to and that he trusts? Someone needs to do some digging.

Meanwhile, tell him that you can tell something is wrong and that while you very much want to know what it is and help him through it, it is still no excuse for such blatant breaking of rules and the law. Figure out what consequences will work for him (without backfiring), make them very very clear, and then the next time he breaks the rule (which you also need to make very very clear), enforce them. If all of his things have to be driven to a relatives home or locked away until he gets the message then so be it. Be careful not to create consequences that hinder his ability to self-calm, and be sure to speak literally, clearly, and covering all the possible basis. Things may get worse before they get better while he figures out how serious you are, but he needs to get the message before he's dragged off to jail or some other desperate and disastrous step ends up being taken.

PS - don't make taking his things permanent, if you go that route; it would be super stressful to him, most likely. Give it a lot of thought: consequences should make an impression, but they should not PERMANENTLY shatter his sense of his world, and AS kids can have strong emotional ties in ways we don't understand.

MissyKrissy,

YOU sound like you are as much a problem as he is. You seem to want to have EVERYTHING, but only consider "YOUR" family worth something.

I once almost called Child Protection Services because my mother treated ME like that. If not for the fact that she said I could end up someplace WORSE, I WOULD have COMPLETED the call. Now that I look back, I SHOULD have. I just had a series of problems because of HER treatment, and it has quite literally DESTROYED MY LIFE.

I was actually HAPPY that she was locked up for a year, for being crazy, and SAD to see that some idiots got her out. Anyway, she is NEVER allowed at my house again. I set the phone company to block all her calls. I changed the locks so she can't get in with any keys.

I can't say I blame him. Maybe he'll end up better for it.

I know this is a drop in the bucket, but when my son gets distracted in the bathroom and starts playing with my toiletries, he not only has to clean them up, he also has to pay for new ones out of his allowance. It's hard not to get angry when he does it, but I know when it happens, it's because he had an "idea" he found irresistible - I think the best medicine for that is you break it, you bought it.

We did also buy him some shaving cream to play with.

I noticed the same thing everyone else has and that is that you make a distinction between YOUR "good" kids and him....kinda the red headed step child syndrome. If your kids are good and he is bad how do you expect him to act? He is jealous and will go to any length to get your attention and if he is being mean to your other kids its not hard to figure out why.

Your step son is physically older than your own children, however mentally, socially and emotionally he may be no where near his biological age. On a "good" day he may be 2 years younger, on a "Bad" day or stress full day that social/emotional/mental age will drop even lower again. High functioning individuals can become quite low functioning, learned behaviors can go out the window and individuals may resort to repetitive, routine behavior which can be fairly primitive.
You need to ask yourself why he wanted to play with your toiletries. If you think the answer is just to annoy you or to get his younger siblings into trouble, in my opinion you have no understanding of the autistic spectrum and no understanding of your step son. My first thought is that he is sensory seeking. Why can't he have his own?
The next sentence stood out to me,
" the next morning i wake up, bathroom lock is broken and he had painted my baby's face with nail polish"
How does someone sleep threw this? I wake before my kids, if you can't do that at least wake with them. You have a 4 year old, a baby and an asd child in the house, you need to be supervising them. I'm assuming this is a personal bathroom that is close to your bedroom other wise why the heck would you lock a family bathroom rather than just remove your personal items and put them in a cupboard else where.
Again in my opinion, yelling at a child/person on the spectrum serves NO purpose, YOU are simply ensuring their stress levels rise and raising the chances of a melt down. Yelling is simply a form of frustration release on the part of the yeller. Yelling is your problem not his. I probably would have been angry to, angry with myself, frustrated with myself, for not being able to have predicted and prevented the situation from happening in the first place.
Stealing the mittens, he told you he took them because he liked them better than the ones he had chosen, just because he chose them doesn't mean that he likes them. They may have been the best of a bad bunch. Again this may be a sensory issue thing that you need to address. Stealing is not right. Clearly he doesn't understand the whole concept of stealing, if he did I'm sure he wouldn't have shown you his stolen goods, he would have known from past experience that you would have reprimanded him.
Things with this child aren't going to get any better in my opinion, unless you all get outside support and couciling.
I'm sorry to say, but your entire post sounded resentful and unsympathetic to your step sons needs. It came across as being all about your needs and the needs of your biological family.
He is not a neurotypical kid and can't be parented effectively that way. Your expectations of him are at present are far to high. You don't sound like your coping with him at all, if you really want this to work, you need to ask and be open to some specialized help.

Sorry if my post was harsh and judgmental, alarm bells were going off all threw your very harsh post.

Im sorry about the red headed step child remark but it is because I have read your other posts and this is by far not the only one that you have singled out this little 5 year old boy. Nor is it the only post that you say that this child or "monster", as you once called him is a bad influence on "your" children. I even read a post about you saying something about putting him back in foster care because he liked to be alone.
I tried reaching out to you once but obviously you have all the answers so just keep punishing and belittling this child because obviously its working for you....*sarcasm*!


Aurea, he is not older he is only 5!

Your right, we have never met! I don't yell at my ASD child. It is counter productive.

I can't even begin to imagine the situation you are going through. But I do have to say though that you are coming off as that you hate him. If your home life is anything like the kinds of remarks you have printed here, I imagine he is likely picking up on this. If he feels that he has lost his reasoning or attempts to connect with you, then that could be why you're seeing these behaviors. Just hope then that it isn't too late to try to make amends. If I had treated my son like this, I would have lost him. I try to treat my son in the best ways that I know how, and at times I still feel as I am losing him. But he has lots of compassion and a very strong work ethic. But he also does have a teasing streak, and it appears to be a result of conversations where he doesn't like the subject matter or situations that he doesn't want to be involved in. At least with my son, he has a great memory for the "negative" stuff in his life and focuses too much on it. There's not much that I can do about this, other than try to provide him with happy moments, understanding, care and respect. I bet your son sees nothing but chaos.

The part that struck me about what you were saying, though, was that you said that your son needs more personal space apparently more so than you need privacy. This sounds a bit crude, not really behavior related, and I just wonder how you relate things like that to him. My son needs lots of personal space, not so much in area, but simply space away from me or my husband. My son plays with legos and lots of construction toys. He can do this for hours. He does it as an escape. He does it to self-calm. Yes, we do have some issues with pulling him out of his room for dinner and so on. But we don't yell at him or belittle him for it. And we always knock on his door. We don't simply barge in. Our kids do have emotion and want to be a part of the world around them. Our kids also need routine. I don't see much of that in what you have written, or anything resembling something of a routine that he could feel comfortable with.

Secondly, I have no idea how your other kids treat him. You said you have a baby, too? Does he / she scream or cry a lot? I imagine, with all the people you're living with, his sensory issues are bombarded. Just the nature of people walking all over the place, people walking up and down stairs, or simply people walking all over the floor could be impacting him. He simply may feel so stressed and so insecure, that he's trying anything to feel more safe and secure.

I suggest you look into family therapy with someone who understands ASD, especially with two others on the spectrum. I don't see him developing appropriate coping mechanisms without it. I hate to say it, but that's how you're coming off. Secondly, if his behaviors are all that bad, maybe a medication route should be looked at. He could also have a mood disorder or something. The behaviors you have mentioned don't seem to be meltdown-related. So I am assuming he is desperately seeking comfort or attention. It's up to you. It would be a shame to see him in jail or someplace worse just because he simply feels that nobody ever understands him.