I have an online friend who I really care about and greatly enjoy talking to. She's aware of my situation with AS and does her best to understand me when I fail miserably and I do my best to understand her with her own health issues. And this is good, because since I explained AS to her we've managed to have fewer misunderstandings between us and all's been good.
But then there's the occasional time where I manage to say something that wasn't intended to be taken badly, but ends up taken that way anyway. And when that happens she usually gets mad at me and unfriends me (or blocks me) from most of the places I know her on. This happens every time and I know it's just a way she copes (she told me once before that sometimes she just needs to leave so she doesn't say anything to make the situation worse), but it seriously sends me into a minor anxiety attack when she does that.
Because even though in the past times we're able to talk it out and everything goes back to normal, I can't help but become overly worried with "But what if this is the last time?! What if she doesn't forgive me?! What if I really screwed up this time?!" and so on. I don't want to lose her friendship, because she is an awesome friend when we're not going through this.
And this situation happened again a few hours ago and I've been having a minor anxiety attack since then. It's a little better now, though, but the urge to cry and negative thoughts are still there.
Though this time it wasn't really something I said to her. See, she has DID and she presently has about 4 alts that are unable to be reintegrated. So they're basically her family as well, and I know three of them online as well. This issue happened with one of the alts named Catie. I don't know Catie as well as I know the others because until recently I'd never really spoken to Catie for long intervals. So Catie was telling me about how she doesn't like Glee because she can't seem to like the characters. I didn't exactly understand where she was coming from (even though she gave me some examples), so I was trying to talk through it with logic about flawed characters, in order to gain a better understanding of what she was trying to say. And....evidently what I said was construed as trashing her views? Not just by her, but by my friend as well. Which has led to this situation. Again.
Presently, it seems the only place I'm blocked on is Plurk, where this conversation originally happened. But last time this happened, my friend blocked and removed me from her LJ as well and we ended up not speaking to each other for about a week or so (and I had a massive anxiety attack the entire time).
The only difference between last time and this time is that she told me that after she naps (which is usually for a few hours) that we needed to talk. That's both good and bad, right? Good because at least she isn't completely shutting me off, bad because the unknown nature of this "talk" is making my anxiety attack worse than it should be.
Earlier my breathing was a little screwed up, my eyes were watery, my heart felt weird and after I ate my stomach felt like it wanted to vomit. Right now, I just feel really cold (though that could mostly be my room's normal temperature) and every now and then have to tell myself to breathe normally and keep myself from crying. I'm jumping between activities to keep my mind occupied from negative thoughts, but.....I just can't help but worry.
And see...these are the times where I wish I didn't have AS. Every time this happens, I wish that. Because maybe if I didn't, I wouldn't make so many f**k ups.
02 Mar 2011, 10:19 pm
