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Why do we talk about love and dating on here? I feel like all we talk about is "why don't girls like me", "i can't get a girl", or other stuff like that. The thing is that NT men struggle heavily with this as well, so why do we talk about it on here? I feel that we should stop talking about this subject on this site and instead go online and read advice on how to actually get women instead of complaining about it on here.

Anyone agree?

there is no such thing as a "one size-fits-all" solution to anything- that which claims to be such is no more generally useful than an busted analog clock would be [accurate twice every 24 hours]. the utility of a lonely hearts forum is for the people who are not among the lucky ones [that the one size fits all solutions actually helped] to let off steam. to say to the unlucky ones that they have no right to complain about things that are bothering them, is pretty cold-blooded, AFAIC. people who say "you make your own luck" at best are clueless but more likely are just cruel. i am beginning to believe that many HFAs here are self-impressed superior scolds who like kicking other people when they are down. just my two-cents' worth, adjusted for inflation

Actually I've concluded this forum should just be re-named "I can't get a chick so I'm going to hate them for it whine about how girls with AS have it SO MUCH EASIER"


And for those of you who couldn't tell, that wasn't sarcasm.

Don't forget "All men are misogynist jerks that only care about looks and I hate all of them".

We all need to just face it. People with AS are going to have some HUGE problems with relationships, regardless of gender.

I don't recall anyone ever saying that, and if they did, I am inclined to think it was in response to an unprovoked attack. Despite my relationship troubles, I've never really developed any negative feelings of men in general over them. I know the problem is me. NT men generally want NT women. I can't hate them for that. That is what they are hard wired for. Any of my posts which seem to reflect a negative attitude towards men have been in response to attacks on me, by default of the fact that I'm a woman, and my issue isn't with the fact that these people attacking me are men, but with their misconceptions and the fact that they are attacking me.

I've never just spontaneously proclaimed that men with AS have it easier. That would be baseless. There are some aspects of relationships in which men with AS have an advantage over women with AS, and there are some aspects of a relationship that women with AS have an advantage over men with AS. Yet there constantly seems to be someone who comes into this forum, who has lived all of their life as a male.....with some degree of mind blindness no doubt, who seems to think they are in the position to know what women with AS experience and proclaim that women have is so much easier.



I agree completely.

First of all, your thread title is completely inappropriate, IMHO. Second, no one ever said that NT's don't have difficulty with dating & relationships, but since, by definition, dating is a social activity and those with AS have little or no skills in that area, we have a MUCH more difficult time of it. That also means that there aren't a lot of happy stories (some, but the exception rather than the rule). It is also true that some with AS take the victim role and blame the other gender. It isn't right, but completely understandable after getting shot down for the Nth time. Not all the posts are whines. Many (or at least the posts that I read) are from people who are genuinely looking for advice or have something that they would like to discuss. If you don't like the posts here, don't read them.

No. It's a forum for discussion.
That's the main thing people need to discuss here.

I'm with you - if people can't vent here, then where?

I certainly draw the line when it degenerates into misogyny/misandryny but short of that why not?

Also, I think I fall into the "make your own luck" category - I was trying to be helpful/inspirational, not cruel - if I come off that way, I'm truly sorry - please accept my apology...

I have to agree that a lot of people play the blame game here. I do what I can to accept responsibility for my own problems that make me incompatible with the world, but even for me it's hard to not just blame others... especially as mike said, after getting shot down for the Nth time. But as long as I have any willpower, I do everything in my power to not pass blame around like candy. It might be easier psychologically to blame others, but the cold reality is that there's more likely a problem with me than with 3 billion other people. Hence, I am unlovable...

I kind of wish that more of my fellow "undateables" would focus on he positive aspects of being single - there are thousands of them - many more than being in a relationship IMO.

Being in a relationship is WAY overrated. People seem to think it will solve all their problems or something.

Also, I am constanly astonished by how conditioned we are to think that being in a couple is the only state of being.

For example, I needed a dining table for my apartment. While I was at Ikea, I found myself automatically buying two chairs for it! Why would I do that? I find myself always reserving space for someone else in my life without ever giving it a second thought - no wonder I seem to think I need someone else to be "complete"

It takes some consistent effort to "unlearn" this stuff, but it can be done...

Exactly, I couldn't agree more with that point, I thought being in a relationship would solve all of my problems but relationships are actually very emotionally demanding for aspies and require a degree of maturity and a firm sense of responsibility. I truly believe the majority of aspie males just want to be in relationship to give them reassurance and confidence and to ease themselves from the social peer pressure put on them by others.

I don't think it's conditioning. At least, not social conditioning. It's part of our evolutionary heritage. Given the extended period of maturation (ranging 17-19 years) in humans, a child (in the days before welfare, at least) would be more likely to be raised successfully to maturity if they had two parents working together, and an even greater chance in a social group where others often had a guiding influence in a child's upbringing (think back to hunting-gathering times, which is practically yesterday in an evolutionary sense). Humans really are socially collective animals, and i know its not the first thing an aspie wants to hear, but we really need social interactions to survive. There's a reason babies that are ignored don't turn out psychologically healthy later in life...

I agree that there may be a strong compulsion driven by evolutionary psychology, but no adult ever died from being single.

I'll say it again, relationships are WAY overrated - you're really setting yourself up for extreme disappointment if you think they will make you happy if you're not already.

Learn to be happy alone, it's not the end of the world...

NTs have it rough as well. But there are additional, specific deficits that AS people have. It will save AS people a lot of time to see solutions targeted to their issues.

I'm in no way expecting a girl to just make me happy. That's not what I had experienced in my one (short-lived) time with my ex. I will say, however, that just the mere fact that i had a girlfriend gave me motivation: going out with her meant more going out in general for myself, trying to look my best made me exercise more. All those things like that. Alone, I just feel like it isn't worth it. I feel like my life isn't worth it. I'm not one to go kill myself or anything, but without a cause to motivate myself, I just tend to atrophy and waste away...

Not really - NTs struggle more with "why am I not meeting the RIGHT person" where as Aspies generally are looking for our FIRST gf/bf. Maybe I'm generalizing, though.