Resulting problems from late diagnosed Aspergers

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I am a NT writer who raised an undiagnosed Asperger son. Throughout his formative years he was constantly battered by other people's expectations that made no sense to him. He is high functioning in many ways, but still has inflexible ideas about what others should do. I wonder how other Aspies who went through the years when most people learn life-coping skills fare even after they learn their difficulties are physiological not something they have chosen.

We are still battered by other people's expectations that make no sense to us, and we still have inflexible ideas about what others should do. However, at least we now have a clue as to the "Why?" of all of that and we have opportunities to try to learn to adapt.

We can still learn those skills, but how well we do depends a lot on who we socialize with. For instance, Temple Grandin does a lot better now that she is wealthy communicates mostly with folks that respect and admire her. She might get into fights were she stuck into a crowd of mean girls.

My wife says I am exceptional in that I seem to learn whatever I decide is worth learning.

Last edited by BTDT on 16 Mar 2011, 9:04 am, edited 1 time in total.

Perhaps it would be helpful to your son to read some books on adult social interaction, such as "How to Win Friends and Influence People" and "Games People Play".
Growing up without a diagnosis, I used to think people were just like me internally, and everything they did that I did not do (smiling, complimenting, being interested in chit-chat) was rehearsed and phony (as it would have been to me). So I was quite disgusted by a number of behaviors that I now understand much better. But, I had to learn what motivates NT behavior and how to read the message behind the words and facial expressions. It is still difficult, but at least I don't take everything at face value anymore.

Example: I see a receptionist, and she smiles at me.
Before AS, I would think, "Why is she smiling? She doesn't even know me. What's she so happy about?"
Now I think, "She is letting me know she wishes to have a positive interaction with me, and is thus attempting to appear non-threatening."
I know, it's nuts that I had to LEARN that, but that's the way it goes.

As an Aspie that was diagnosed at age 28, I can fully understand what your son is going through. The aspect of expectations was a point of high stress for me. For as long as I can remember, "Finishing school, going to college, and getting a good job," was the only meaning of life. Working with other people, or dating, was viewed as a hindrance. Now, here I am, stuck in my parents' home because I cant find that decent salary job, there's never been a girl friend, and I'm pretty much depressed because they still expect me to find that decent job right now. While it was a breath of fresh air to know the why's of my behavior, getting the help I've needed has been lackluster. I work two stressful part time jobs (one of which is cutting hours), online job hunting I view as a nuisance (because I'm getting nothing out of it since I'm spewing out the same info over and over again, and no feedback from the jobs I do apply for). Took two years to finally get to a social therapist through an assistance program, so not sure how that will go. While knowing at a later age is a breath of fresh air, the level of assistance out there for AS adult is lacking, at best. Best of luck to you and your son.

^ almost identical situation here. I agree there is practically zero adult AS assistance available in the US.

As for coping... let's just say it was amazing to find out the 'why' my quirks were in place but at the same time it is also terrible to know that no matter what you do you won't overcome it.

Adapting in order to function is one thing, overcoming the issues internally is an impossibility. I worked a life plan that works around said issues; its not ideal and parts of it I don't like but in the end result its the only thing that can be done. The alternative is misery so may as well give it a try.

Even though I know someone smiling at me means they mean no harm towards me something still laying in the background makes me feel she thinks I am garbage and she is only being nice because it is her job.

I'm only 17, but I was diagnosed fairly recently. Being diagnosed as a teenager is still a fairly big kick in the head, because you could have really used that information much earlier. Now you're full of these dratted hormones and you have to deal with all the issues of an AS diagnosis, come to terms with the fact that it's permanent and that there's a name for your weirdness. I think I wanted to be NT more as a child, because I was totally obsessed (in the normal sense ) with being normal then, but when I became a teenager it was a different kind of thing to fitting in and wanting to express myself in a normal way - I wanted to learn how to be inconspicuous, never mind be normal- I could be weird as long as I did it soundlessly!

I am impressed with the above replies. Each of you has come to grips with the understanding that the baffling people you are forced to deal with aren't going to change. Nor are you, yet you are the ones who have to adapt. This is unfair but hey, no one ever said life is fair.

All of you have come to grips with the fact that knowing you have AS is a relief. You aren't weird by choice. The brain you have may learn how to adapt, but it's here to stay. You can learn that a smile is usually a nice thing, you can even learn the difference between the smiles of kindness and malice, but your reactions aren't instinctive so your response has to be thought through--and always will be.

On the other hand, you're probably smarter than the rest of the world. a much higher proportion of you are gifted artists, musicians, researchers and all-round geniuses. (And sometimes very rich.)

Thanks for your replies.

Yes, generally speaking finding out about Aspergers late is better than never finding out about it.

I only discovered it when I was fifty-two, with a long history of failures behind me. It's taken nearly a decade to begin to reconstruct a working idea of who I am. And to get used to being one of the rare ones who's found out - I work in a place that has, without knowing about it, accumulated a range of florid personalities over the years. Some meetings I'm at, I'm convinced that more than half the people around the table are autistic in some way. But it's not a topic that can be discussed.

I was recently (last November) dx's as a high-functioning aspie at the age or 35, but I am not convinced that the diagnosis is correct. I do see my failures at work and my lack of social contacts as profound laziness and unwillingness to even try. Seen from an AS point of view, you could say I have problems with executive function and anxiety, but I don't really accept this point of view. Instead, I do definitely consider my problems my own fault. If I cant keep a job or get a girlfriend, it's my fault for not trying hard enough. And I believe that an objective outsider would indeed agree with me when I say I am not trying my best, not by a long shot. I should be able to cope better. But I don't.

I too was taught the importance of a career, and having spectacularly failed twice, despite an over-average IQ, I've been stuck in a deep state of burnout and depression (and unemployment) since 2008.

I do often feel very tempted to just do back to bet and let the depression take over.

One important fact that people don't seem to consider is that we are innately complex people over and above the thought processes dictated by the part of the brain controlled by Aspergers. Have you considered getting help to deal with the depression as a separate entity? It would be a shame to never see how your life would spin out if the depression were lessened or even possibly eliminated.

I have. Although I don't think getting rid of the depression would matter much ... it's a relative newcomer, most of my life I have not been depressed.

The anxiety (both general and social anxiety) is something I have carried in me since as long as I can remember, which is probably why I did not even recognize the anxiety as what it is before I was 32. Feeling anxious is just as normal and automatic as breathing for me, I never paid attention to it. Since I didn't recognize the feeling at all, I never considered the option that other may not feel similar crippling uncertainty and even physical pain. Towards me late 20s I started occasionally wondering why other people seem to socialize so effortlessly, but I put it down to them just being better persons than I am.

Both therapy and medication have helped to a degree, but I am slowly running out of savings and cannot afford to pay for therapy for more than a few months from today.

As for medication, the only meds that have helped have potentially serious side effects and I am not 100% comfortable taking neurolepts with on on long term basis due to their potential of causing semipermanent changes. But as things are, I fear I may have to go back on the antipsychotic for the antidepressant effect. The more 'safe' first-line SSRI antidepressants did nothing to help me, I spent 18 months being prescribed one SSRI after another in the hope something would work.

I think depression would be a reasonable response to being unemployed for three years. I don't know what your education level or field is but whatever it is, you aren't alone nor are you necessarily responsible for your plight. This is a difficult time to find work. The whole concept of a "career" as my father saw it where you worked for one company from the day you got your diploma to the day you get the gold watch, has gone down the tubes. Try listing all the things you are trained to do. Then list all the jobs you have had and figure out what you were really doing. You may have been listed on the company books as a designer, but what you were really doing was organizing or trouble shooting or finding new ways to use a product or service. These are your talents. Then list all the things you would LIKE to be doing.

I've been unemployed. two of my children are unemployed. We've all had to shift gears to stay employed and sometimes had to work at jobs we didn't particularly enjoy, but survived.

Good luck. You've been employed twice. Just try to understand that you obviously have something to offer and figure out how to use that to find a job (or jobs) that suit you.

I have a MSc in astrophysics, but I have worked in another sciencey field (doing research) for the last 10 years, so my physics knowledge and related skills are bordering on obsolete by now. There's cannot be much demand for a burnt-out has-been astrophysicist who has forgotten his programming skills. The other field is currently flooded by young talented people with qualifications due to a major increase in the number of training positions while the job market did not grow as expected.

I'm trained to research. I was really web surfing all day long, chatting in IRC and generally wasting time. Some people may call it executive dysfunction, but I think in my case it's genuine laziness. Oh, and doing some research, which didn't amount to much, perhaps one fourth of the productivity considered good enough or normal.

I have some skills in a special interest field of mine, and have occasionally been paid for using those skills, but there is nowhere enough demand for those skills to consider doing that full-time.

[quote="Superfly"
I have a MSc in astrophysics, but I have worked in another sciencey field (doing research) for the last 10 years, so my physics knowledge and related skills are bordering on obsolete by now. There's cannot be much demand for a burnt-out has-been astrophysicist who has forgotten his programming skills. The other field is currently flooded by young talented people with qualifications due to a major increase in the number of training positions while the job market did not grow as expected.
I have some skills in a special interest field of mine, and have occasionally been paid for using those skills, but there is nowhere enough demand for those skills to consider doing that full-time.[/quote]

It must be discouraging to watch those kids with their shiny new diplomas taking over the field. Astrophysics is such an exotic field that it it would be easy to become outdated. But you do have some advantages. Just the fact that you survived in an exacting field has taught you things the new kids on the block still have to learn. You have been working as a researcher and will have learned a lot you only learn by doing it.