Do people think you don't say what you mean?

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Have people ever said things to you like "Geez just say what you mean?"

I have gotten this a few times on Babycenter and then it occurred to me maybe they think I am not saying what I mean because they are translating my words into something I didn't even say nor was I thinking about. So to them I am not saying what I mean and to them saying what you mean means saying what things mean between the lines and if you don't talk correctly, they think you aren't saying what you mean.

But to us saying what you mean means saying what you mean. Nothing implied. Like I might say "I will think about it" and mean that but to someone else they might translate it to "No I do not want to sign up for it" so they may say "Just say what you mean." Uh I did say what I meant, I said I'll think about it, what did you want to hear? I think I might start saying this from now on if anyone says "Just say what you mean" and see what they thought I meant. Then I'll tell them I did not mean that, I meant I'll think about it and then see what they say next. Seriously, if I didn't want to sign up, I would flat out say "No thanks."

This used to confuse me until I realize they were translating my words so they thought I wasn't saying what I meant because well that's NT language for you and some really do want people to say what they mean than saying something that means another but when someone actually does say what they mean, they don't even know that so they assume you are saying it and mean another.

And my husband has told me he knows I don't mean lot of things I say but I do. But what he means by it is I don't say what it implies and don't mean that so to him I don't say what I mean.

This is one of my major causes of stress online. I have so much more I want to say here, and will come back to it shortly.

It happens offline too, but I talk to people for maybe 2-3 hours a week offline so the chances for this are minimal.

Yeah. I see this. When someone says that just tell them "mean what you say".

I think people generally have a hard time believing that I mean what I say.
For example, sometimes my mom asks me if I want to do something and I say "yes." But apparently she can't believe that I actually want to do it, because she will then ask me about 5 more times if I am really really sure. Why would I answer yes if I really meant no?
Also, people often just totally misunderstand or misinterpret things that I say and think that I mean the exact opposite. Just yesterday, I was talking about how there was a particular food that I like. Several minutes later, my mom said "oh, I thought you were actually saying that you didn't like that food."
Is there seriously some sort of code that I'm missing here? lol
Additionally, I have a very difficult time describing feelings or emotions, especially if I am trying to remember how something made me feel after the fact. So whenever people ask me questions like "how did you feel?" or "what was it that upset you?" I have to say I don't know. But usually when you say you don't know the answer to questions like that, people think you actually do know the answer but you don't want to tell them.

I have noticed with my husband when I say "it's okay" he goes "You didn't really like it did you?"

Is saying "it's okay" another way of saying "I don't like it?"

And I have also noticed when I say I don't know or it's okay people think I am not being honest so they try and push me for another answer and I just hate it when I am forced to verbalize my thoughts or to try and form an opinion about something I don't care about or feel neutral about. I have a hard time forming an opinion if I don't care about something or don't know what to think of it. Okay if you show me your story and it's not even my interest, what am I supposed to think of it? I have no idea what to say about it so I say "it's okay." Do you want me to say "it's boring" because it's not my interest? Just because I think a story is boring doesn't make it a boring story or a horrible one, it's boring for me. And I have told one of my aspie friends his story is boring and he was butthurt by it so I explained to him just because I find it boring doesn't mean it is. I find lot of books boring but does that mean the professional authors did a horrible job with their work? If I find something boring, I find it so hard what to think of it. What do I say about it? Am I really not saying what I mean? I think saying "it's boring" is an invalid answer. I have also told him his stories don't interest me because they don't make any sense so they're boring. Okay so maybe I should say these things then if people ask but they don't come to my head when I am asked "what do you think?" because I have no idea what to think and like I say, I have a hard time with my thoughts. Even when I give out short answers, people think I am not being honest. Do people normally give out long answers when they are giving honesty? I have a hard time what to think of something.

I get this, and sometimes it is the same as your experience, but sometimes (fairly often, actually) it's more like, "For God's sake, get to the point already!"

In the example given, I might reply by listing everything I have to do that week - from bathing the dog, to cleaning the pool, to powerwashing the patio furniture, to making dinner for some friends of my boyfriend who he's known since college but hasn't seen since last Thanksgiving when we went to their place in PA and they have a really great house with a view of the river and the room we stayed in was all the way on the third floor with windows all the way around except the wall with the door in it and we had a private balcony looking out over the river - it's the Delaware and we could see where Washington is supposed to have crossed it from the balcony but of course you can't really tell exactly where it happened, but it was absolutely beautiful what with the leaves changing and everything, and we're probably going to go back up later this spring and it should be just wonderful with all the trees and flowers blooming and we had a great time so I want to make sure it's a really good meal but I haven't decided what I'm going to make I 'm thinking about making my Ricotta, Lamb and Veal meatballs with a salad and pasta but I might do tuna steaks on the grill or maybe just keep it simple and stick with steaks and baked potato but I know I'm going to make a cheesecake for desert and I'm not sure if I should just make a plain one or maybe make a plum sauce to go on it I could do strawberry or cherry but that's just so common and I'd like to do something kinda different and they're driving in on Thursday so I might have to meet them when they get into town even though we aren't having them over until Friday so I'll probably have to go to the store on Wednesday to make sure I have plenty of time to get ready for them to come over and then we may be going with them to somebody else's house on Saturday but I'm not sure about that yet and then I think somebody else is having a party Sunday that we're all supposed to go to but I'm not sure what time but I hope it's early because it's supposed to be hot and know it's an outdoor thing and I don't want to have to be all dressed up and sweaty but they always have the best food - the last time we went to a party at their house they had these fantastic appetizers that I can't remember what all was in them but I know they had saffron in them, which made them just brilliantly colored and they were served on a rose petal which I thought was just cool as all hell and I've been trying to figure out what it was ever since, and . . .
uh . . .
ahhhhhhh . . .
what did you ask me, again?

Oh! I'm not sure. I'll have to think about it and see if I can fit it in.

It has happened to me like you say. It's also happened to me because of the way I speak, I think. For example, if I'm having a really good day and someone asks me how I'm doing, I might say, "I'm fantastic." And then they'll think somehow that I'm having a bad day. Well, I assumed it was because I don't say it in an emotional sort of way but more matter-of-fact, but perhaps they are actually doing what you say.

When people try that on me I just quote this at them:

Yes, and it drives me crazy. The things I say aren't full of hidden messages and implied meanings, but some people are so used to that, they read into everything anyone says. I have some version of this conversation a lot:

Person: How are you?
Me: Fine.
Person: Aw, what's bothering you?
Me: Nothing, I'm fine.
Person: No, really, what's up?
Me: Nothing! I said I was fine!
Person: When people say they're fine they never mean it!

Sometimes we give superfluous information because we don't know that people can figure out the unsaid and when we say extra then people dig out further meaning which we didn't intend to mean. I had a thread on this which went something like this"Why NTs are never direct in their speech".
Other time we think that what we know other also know and we tend to be brief and that causes confusion.
Also, many of us do not have coherent speech that our speech is not coherent with our thoughts. It takes time to covert ideas into speech. This language problem is not generally included in asperger's syndrome features. It is said that speech is normal which is not true always.

Yes. I assume that people will take me literally, and they do not. i have been caught by this a few times. I have said that I might do something, and people assume that I meant that I would or that I would not do it. I do not know why they assume this.

I often tell people that i will think about a decision, because it takes me a few minutes to shift my focus from one thing to another. I ask for a little time to think, and they think that I have already made a decision that they will not like. The truth is that I simply need a little time.

On the other hand, I also have the problem of people taking me to literally. I have an ironic sense of humor, and I will occasionally say something really outrageous, and find that people are taking me seriously. I guess that somehow, I fail to send the right signals.

I can give you an intellectual answer immediately. But still at 54 I have trouble figuring out how I feel about something when asked, or that that was what was asked for—I don't want to be inaccurate. What seems to really throw people is when I respond to "How do you feel about..." with, "I don't know." No one gets that.

I take other people's words literally, so yeah, I'm always expecting to be taken literally and am frequently left wondering, why did you ask if you didn't want to know?

People used to think that I'd say what I didn't mean because of my less than perfect eye contact.

Okay, I disagree with Daspie's statement that it's because we give too much detail, or at least in my case because I give too much detail. It's not that I don't give too much detail on occasion (because I do - I seem to fluctuate between barely being able to explain myself and dropping many paragraphs of explanation). It's because people look for subtext whether it's present or not. I also don't think there is a "single" non-autistic code that one can crack and understand communication. I think whatever codes exist shift and change during social situations as well as from one social situation to the next. In some places, that excessive detail is not excessive at all (although it can be hard to tell which details are relevant and which are not).

I have had people claim to psychoanalyze me based on something I said in a single sentence (and then retroactively reinterpret other statements I'd made through that filter) because it was apparently impossible for them to take what I said at face value, even though I try to state what I mean at face value, or at least vague things up just enough to protect the innocent. I have had people pick arguments with me over what I must have really meant and my attempts to clarify are rejected as backpedaling or goalpost shifting. I have lost track of how many times I have said in extreme frustration, some variation of "Where are you getting that? I said exactly what I meant."

The main thing is that I do not know how to communicate much subtext in a lot of contexts (I can do better if, say, writing a book than I can trying to communicate on the internet, but these are two different things that do not work the same way), and the expectation is that the subtext is there, so people dig something out even if it doesn't exist. This makes discussion frustrating and problematic, as we are expected to adapt to them, and not the other way around.

Really frustrating for me, and has been frustrating for years. Not just online, but in real life.