I'm scared of relationships/contact

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I haven't had a boyfriend now for a couple of years and I'm not looking, never have done, its not really my style. If someone comes along, fine but if not I don't worry about it.

Recently I have come to fear making emotional connections with anyone. This is because I have been hurt so many times that I am too scared it is going to happen again. It's almost like I expect to get hurt. So I distance myself before it can happen. I feel this way I can't get hurt as bad if I cut myself off from them (which also hurts to some degree). As far as any form of emotional contact or feeling goes, I try and resist it or I may interrogate the person who I like, I'm a bit like a bulldog chewing on a chunk of metal, very defensive and very to the point.

I broke up with my most recent ex about two years ago now as he took me for granted and mithered me. Plus, he was always under the influence of drugs and he called my dad a name that I will not write here it is that offensive. He was just no longer endearing to me and he hurt me. My ex before this one told me he loved me when he loved someone else and this is incredibly hurtful.

After that, my luck with men seems to have gone tits up. I liked this one guy and he said he liked me but then started seeing someone else a week later. When I asked him for an explanation, he simply told me the other girl was easier to obtain (sexually mainly) than me. Yeah I know, not worth it but you still end up feeling a bit hurt at least.

Next was this female I met in a bar. I thought she was beautiful with an amazing personality. She told me she liked me too. It turns out she was using me to try and get over her ex, I'd been through this before with a guy when I was 19 and I really didn't want to get too emotionally attached and have to go through all that pain again so I fobbed her off.

Next was a guy I met when I was living down south of England for a bit. This guy was really nice and funny, not my usual type as he was really skinny but he was cute with a great personality. He didn't really do anything to hurt me at all. He had an opportunity to go travelling while he was with me (we really weren't together very long) and he didn't know whether to go or whether to stay here with me. As much as he said he liked me, I could see that he really really wanted to go and travel, so I told him to go. He didn't want to leave me and asked if I would be fine. I pointed out to him that if he stayed with me and didn't go now, he would end up resenting me and I would rather he had good memories of our time together as opposed to 'I didn't see the world cos of that b***h'. So he went and good luck to him. I couldn't go at the time otherwise I would probably have gone with him but never mind.

The next guy I really liked. We had been friends for quite a few years and after a while started having sexual relations. Turns out that that was all he wanted me for. Great.

The next guy was the complete opposite i.e was scared stiff of sex, which didn't bother me at the time cos I really liked him. Anyway, we told each other how we felt and all was good until I realised what he really was. He really hurt me and to my knowledge didnt care that he had. He was someone I worked with and he would go along with the bully of the workplace so that he wouldn't end up a victim (in other words he was a big wimp). He never stuck up for me and would join in with it. What kind of guy does that? I rapidly grew to hate the little f****r.

Now I'm in a situation where this guy I like apparently likes me. But I don't think he actually wants me as a girlfriend ever. I think he is after some fun for a while and I am tired of people viewing me as a bit of fun. I can't really go into the entire situation but its a bit complicated. I actually know someone who is really funny and sweet and I love his company who really likes me but I, for some strange reason, don't feel the same and I wonder what the hell is wrong with me.

I know this post is kinda random but I needed to get this feeling off my chest, and I felt that WP was the best place to do this. Thanks for reading.

I have the opposite problem.
I am afraid of getting involved with someone, because I'm afraid I will end up hurting them.
People always assume that I am afraid of getting hurt.

Fiz,

I feel that way, too sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to get too attached to someone because all they are going to do is hurt me. However, I am learning everyday that getting hurt is a part of life. It happens to everyone, whether NT or Aspie, at one time or another. Look at Christie Brinkley and what her husband did to her!

However, I do think that affects Aspies differently than it does NT. Because Aspies experience hurt and rejection all the time, the last thing they need is to be in a hurtful relationship on top of all the other troubles they have.

I have similar worries. It would be nice to find someone who'll be my friend and my partner (I believe that in a relationship both a woman and a man should be equals). However, I'm fearful of finding someone who'll cause me harm as in my past.
I do admit that I'm no prize. I have a temper. But when it comes out, I'll seclude myself for a while until it eases down.
Loneliness bites. But being with a cruel person is even worse.

Was my ex totally to blame for all the problems. . .no. I made mistakes as well. Sure I could blame it on asperger's or youth but what the real thing was. I was lonely and away from home for the first time (in the army). Maybe I was seeking a mother figure. . .I don't know.

I joke around and put on a brave face when I really am sad and lonely for someone who'll love and accept me for who I am.
Everyone feels this way from time to time. What troubles me is how our society has become so mistrustful and paranoid.
Even if I were to meet someone and start to build a relationship with them. Would they see me as someone who would eventually betray or hurt them. And I wonder if it's really worth looking.

I do have to retract one statement that was posted earlier. I'm really a hopeless romantic after all.
And I wonder what type of father I would have been. . .but that time has passed.

Anyway. We all want but are afraid to start. And I feel for any woman who tries to get me to open up early on. . .I am so very shy and nervous when meeting someone for the first time. But aren't we all?

So in closing, I'll say that I know there is someone out there for me. And I hope to find her in a site such as this.

To everyone, I wish that you find the person, the love you seek.

I don't even want a boyfriend. I am a tomboy, and most tomboys don't have boyfriends. I have boys I like as friends, but not as in love like kissing. I spend more time with girls who are tomboys and boys. At least the girls won't be chasing me around the school when I am dressed like a boy. Hopefully, they'll be more mature. I remember when I was dressed like a boy and running on the playground at old Elem. School, and the girls were chasing me and one of the people I was in a gang with told them to quit, but I actually enjoyed it.

I've been going through something similar, although I doubt it's exactly like your own problems. Like you, I average a relationship about every couple years. I'm not all that proactive, either -- I just go for someone only when I really like them a lot. Earlier in my young adulthood, dating was hard because I made lots of mistakes. I always learned from them and I never shyed away from admitting where I had failed.

My recent problems have more to do with the last girl I dated. There were things I saw in her personality, but I ignored them. I tried to look past it. She had this really stable outlook most of the time, and she was younger than me, so it was easy to chalk it up to immaturity.

I took a chance. I trusted her more than I probably should have, and trust is not something I've ever been prone to give lightly. I've never just let anyone into my life. But I did it because it was the right thing to do. She was just the wrong person. I don't hate her or blame her for anything. I probably could, but that would just be sour grapes and I'm not like that. Personally I can find better things to do with my time then sit around and be bitter about something. For the same reason, I won't sit around a wallow in self-hatred or pity.

Figure out what you did wrong, accept it, fix it and move on -- that's how I roll.

But she did do some overtly creepy and unusually hateful things... months after it was over. That scared me. I'd never encountered anyone like that before (but I had heard horror stories). Logically, I know something like that is unlikely to happen again. Most people aren't like her. It's hard to describe that feeling. That aversion.

It's kinda like wading out into the ocean and getting nipped by a shark. Thereafter, you're always a bit skittish about water where you can't see the bottom... even when you know there is no possibility of a shark being in the water.

That feeling... That aversion is how I feel when I meet someone I might like now.

umm i can totally sypathise with the first persons testimony as i had my frist boyfriend turned out to be wiered and liked himself as a satenist and scared the hell out of me. The next was a lot older then me i was 20 and he was 33 and he totally took the mick out of me. He was on drugs he got paranoyed and he also got me into terrible situations like taking me round drug dealers houses and selling and not walking me home. it took me ages to realise that he was only using me. Im a christian and I gave up my verginity to this guy cos i was hoping to marry him. He turned out to be a phocpath and he acused my god parents of being a pedafile because they took me on holiday to get away from him as he was being aggressive. He started to follow my friend around where ever she went and the same with me. He wasn't nice but was always able to manipulate me. after that i wouldn't let a man lead a realtionship and went out with a man who didn't tend to lead and that was a nitemare too as i need stability and that was something he couldnt' provide! shame he was ok he was just well couldn't make any desions. I have now gave up a bit like any sane man would want and person like me. Naw all im good for is taken advantage of

I have a female friend who has exactly these kinds of things going on herself. Her inclination since she's been hurt by a***holes in the past is to go for the quieter guys who come off as 'the underdogs' - trouble is they even tend to act weird in ways by either being too shy or when she thinks she's dealing with their shyness they still keep posting her. She used to be pretty quiet and shy herself, got all the wrong treatment because of it, liberated herself from acting that way, got to the point where she's pretty blunt and outspoken now, feels a lot better about herself, but is having a hard time finding people who are interested and a big part of it is because she's comming at things from her own authentic angle rather than just playing a societal role like a good little girl or boy should.

The relationship world is just f'd, there's not much else to say on that one. The biggest winners are pretty much whoever society likes best or feels fits in best, this is one of those areas where being your own person really hits hard. Like you said, you didn't need advice so much as to vent and like me you probably realize there's probably no one out there who could give us any advice that's really going to help and even if it could its the kind of advice that would get us things we really don't want (like more 'bits of fun' - my roommate's even sick and tired of that and he used to be a pretty big porn addict, if a person has any sense in their head it should leave em hollow). I guess all you can do is wait and cross your fingers. Sounds like sh-- I know, I'm 26 now having to tell that to myself all the time, have had my friends grilling me on it in the past, and still catch lots of existential depression off of it upon falling asleep and waking up, but its the only thing I can really tell myself and I also aknowledge the possibility that I may be single out to infiniti, oh well - life loves some people, f---s others, I just have to roll with it and only hold myself responsible for controlling what I can control. I can't feel too bad when I see that so many NT's even can't find a satisfactory relationships and so many marriages go to dust, looks like people are just to competitive and ego-driven in general to make much of anything work and of course 'society' as a whole just adds more fuel to that fire.

great minds think alike techstepgenr8tion

Thanks all for your responses.

Yes techstepgenr8tion, the relationship world is pretty f'd. I totally agree.

As regards my most current situation, the guy in question has recently spoken to me about how I feel about this as I confronted him with it. I was quite harsh with him and told him that I knew what he was 'up to' and that I wasn't having any of it and that I deserved an explanation for his behaviour. It was resolved in a good way though, in that he says that he really likes being around me, he never gets bored of me, he does not view me as simply 'a bit of fun' and he finds my differences (he knows I have AS) endearing. I know I can be frustrating and a bit of a pain, especially when I get a thought in my head, decide that thats how it is and stick with it, but he seems to be able to get round this cos he actually listens to me. How cool is that?

Having said that, I take things as they come. I still think that there is little chance of anyone actually loving me because of my AS and the fact that I can be very stubborn. But why the hell should I change? I would rather be on my own then change myself to get long lasting approval because then they are actually falling in love with someone that isn't me. Quite a few people who have been interested in me have said that if we were to get together that the relationship wouldn't last. But then I expect people to say that. Someone said to me the other day that maybe, just maybe, I will meet someone who will again say this but will fall in love with me and then my differences won't matter. Nice, but I try not to think like this because then if it doesn't happen I won't be too disappointed.

I have about the same problem as you, although it has "only" been 6 months since I was dumped. It was by the person I loved the most, and I KNOW I won't be finding anyone like him again (of course I won't)... I'm also still pretty hung up on him and I still hope we can get together someday- and he's open to that idea

Well, he ruined my life, plain and simple (I'll elaborate if someone wants me to, but it could get a bit long), and I'm still, after 6 months, down in the dumps. I'd be terrified to start a new relationship, and I'm certainly not looking. It just scares the living daylights out of me that such emotional torture and pain could happen AGAIN if a relationship didn't work out... I guess that's why I'm still waiting for this guy (and we do have some sort of part time relationship going on, being exclusive and all ) - but I'd rather do without a relationship than attempting to get into a new one, get too emotionally dependent and then, stepped on and have my heart ripped out. Never again. I'm afraid I'd just commit suicide if that happened...

Fiz I'm sorry to hear this and I know now that I shouldn't have even bothered to try to.... I don't know. If I knew how hard it was to get the right guy I wouldn't have tried to be one for you. Sorry forgive me if I did anything wrong. I hope you'll be able to find someone and feel like this person is the right one for you. That'll you love him and he'll love you not just for sex but for you personality. What makes you you he'll love. I hope that comes true for you. You need a boy that'll actually listen to you. Who will be there with you. To comfort you when you're sad. To make jokes to cheer you up. To understand things that you're going through. In turn you'll be able to care for him. He'll reach out to you and you'll reach out to him. To find true love is great. Even better to find someone that'll love you truely in return. I hope you'll be able to find that one true person.

I had two very emotional relationships in college.
One was mostly unrequited love, I think she was willing to give it a try, so we sort of dated for a while, but it was mostly just a mess, because I guess I could see that she would never feel what I felt.

The other was just the opposite, a girl who had been waiting for me, and had always been there for me, and we spent a lot of time together, and everything happened naturally. But in the end I knew I would never feel for her what I felt for this other girl. I also felt like I could not give her the life she wanted and deserved.

I was a wreck back then because I didn't understand all of this AS stuff. Life was just a nightmare most of the time.

Ultimately, it was much more painful to have to end the relationship with the girl who really loved me.
It was for the best, but it was probably the hardest thing I have ever done.

I guess it's a lot easier to forgive someone for breaking your heart than to forgive yourself for breaking theirs.

The solution for reducing risk of hurt seems simple: Wait longer before developing emotional connections. Wait until you know the person better. No rushing headlong into things.


That sounds like you become too emotional too soon, then fear it, then distance yourself and try to undo it, which also hurts to some degree as you say.

If you are trying to distance yourself, then that is a sign that you have already screwed it up (although you can still save the situation). Although superficially similar, distancing yourself is a different thing to waiting before developing emotional connections.

Don't distance yourself, but do wait before developing emotional connections.


There must have been more to it than that. If he only wanted you for sex, then why would he be willing to wait "quite a few years" before having sex with you? No-one is that patient. Maybe he genuinely likes you but does not want to rush into a relationship because he fears being hurt too. Maybe you would both enjoy it if you re-established your friendship with him, and tried to relax a bit and stopped focusing obsessively on the big R word.

Fiz:
Enjoy the sex and forget the relationship.
Make it a rule "I'll go to bed with you, but you're gone in the morning."

Keeps things simple.

I mean, unless you're looking for a relationship, and that's a little more work.

Hey Fiz, if its anything to ya I've had at least a few girls interested in me at work but I've been way too afraid to let em into my world or have their undivided attention. I guess I've just been hit with such hard judgement in the past that even if things were going great on a date I'd just about be having a panic attack underneath my confident facade and even if I was staying smooth and if it got to sex she wouldn't be able not to notice that I was too tense to even enjoy it. I think the only thing that tends to undo this kind of thing is time, its almost like PTSD in a way.