Becoming MORE isolated as an adult?

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In highschool I had a couple circles of friends, people who I ate with and walked around with etc.
I had friends outside of school too who I saw often.

As an adult now in a new city I have literally 0 friends and 0 family, my only contact is with people at work (3 days a week).
Very rarely do I feel lonely but sometimes I get overwhelmingly so. And occasionally when I do socialize I have wake-up moments where I realize I am missing a fundamental human need.
My isolation periods are lasting longer as I get older.

Can anyone relate to this?

Yes, I have tended to become more isolated in recent years. I think it's because when you first start out young, you don't know what you don't know. Then you start to become more aware of your mistakes and start to become more anxious. Others my age are getting married and dropping out of places where they can be seen, too and I've become a lot more busy with work. Maybe when I've got more money I will be able to get back into doing some social things.

Hikikomori-san, this is not good. Find some way to overcome the black hole that is your apartment and get into the light.

Some options are - volunteer, join meet-up groups, get a Mohawk, exercise, take up a religion/spiritual belief that has social outlets, go back to school, join the military (full time, reserve or national guard), get a dog (which HAS to go outside sometimes and if cute enough can even attract potential dates), sell stuff on-line (Ebay, Craigslist) that you find in dumpsters, yard sales or thrift stores, go shopping more often than necessary, etc. The very first option is the most likely to get you accepted at just about any such venue you show up at - no one pushes away a person that cares enough to give time.

I have to wonder whether the lack of socialization means we lose the ability to read social cues. A lack of practice as it were.

Body language
Facial expressions
ect.

That starting from scratch in a new city, that is entirely situational. Even someone with above-average social skills would struggle in that situation.

And I'm kind of like you, when the lonelies hit, they sometimes hit hard.

Okay, some possibilities:

free bar poker, for points, not money. It's something your city probably has and you could be doing it this week. And some have rotating games 6 nights a week, different venues, almost too much of a good thing. You can go once or twice a week or whatever works for you. You get to same a lot of the same people again---which I almost think is a fundamental human need. One caveat, some people take this play for points more seriously than for money in Vegas. But you're still seeing people and developing your social skills (as well as your poker skills!).

It's not people, but if I'm eating alone, I really like the TV on, sometimes playing a DVD of a show I'm getting into, almost like a hunter-gatherer sitting around a campfire.

The dog idea is good, provided of course that you like dogs. And you might even think of adopting a greyhound and that will give you a once a month or so social group.

I have attended both Democratic and Republican groups. I went to a "Town Hall" meeting not realizing it was Republicans, thinking it was just local politics! The venue was nice, it was a dinner group, the people at the restaurant were friendly, called the other restaurant which was the right location. I decided to go for real next time. I said, "I'm more of a moderate and more of an independent." And I struggled with it, because it's not really true, because I do in fact bat from the left side of the plate. But I actually did better with social skills since I didn't dive into content and details. And the first couple of meetings, I accepted people where they are, for they're citizens, too. They it got kind of old, or maybe it didn't advance.

And believe it or not, unlike what Dinosaw has seen, I have tried to volunteer a couple of times, and the organization has been too busy or disorganzied or maybe I've come off as a little different, so be it. haven't always wanted more volunteers, 'not at this time' Other times I didn't really like it, didn't pursue it after an informational meeting.

Good luck! please let us know how various experiments go

Last edited by AardvarkGoodSwimmer on 10 Apr 2011, 6:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think you usually do get more isolated as an adult unless you have been taught good social skills and still have friends from childhood. This thread reminds me of something that was told to me when I was doing a lifesaving/ beach safety course in the summer. I'm deathly afraid of boats, on this particular day we were getting trained to use a rubby duck (a small rubber boat that is used to save people when are in trouble in the water), straight out I told the instructor that I couldn't get on the boat. He said to me "little kids are fearless, be like a little kid" That made me laugh. I think as you grow up you start to learn things and become less naive. I've been kicked out of my house and my family pretty much doesn't talk to me anymore, I'm about to finsh my degree and I'm afraid I will lose my friends On my uni holidays right now and everybody is either gone somewhere or is working. But on the bright side I've taken up knitting and I plan to join a knitting group when I feel better I'm a girl and when I do get lonely it is pretty bad

I have to agree with the op. The older I get the more I need to be alone. I was a part of a large Dungeons and Dragons gaming group but I just could not take being around them any longer. I started only going every other Saturday but I gradually became so fed up I could not stand being around them so I stopped going completly. It got to the point when I woke up in the morning I would be pissed because I had to go to the game.

I've noticed this in the last couple of years, It started around 18 years old, I started drifting away from everybody. I'm now 20, I live in a different country, I have no friends, all my family are in Canada, I don't hang out with anyone but my husband. Half the time even he has to bug me to hang out. I find a lot of my Aspie symptoms have been getting worse, like not knowing what to say to people. Last year, my social anxiety skyrocketed out of no where! I get nauseous when I get anxious so its debilitating. I've basically been nauseous cuz of anxiety for 10 months straight now!

This is definitely the case for me as well. The problem is that many of the solutions offered here do not help me, because when I am around a group of people, I cannot speak. It doesn't matter if I'm totally comfortable around them. If it were possible to meet just one person at a time, that would be something.

I spent most of my time in my room until I was diagnosed. I've turned around into scheduling a social life that works for me. I do a lot of dancing.

Know exactly what you mean. I was lucky enough to 'fall into' a job and a relationship when I was 17, at that point I was probably at my 'best'. Although it all went downhill from there.

I got a hard time from my girlfriend who wasn't particularly understanding of my difficulties despite my best efforts, which never seemed to be recognised. A new boss at work followed by my girlfriend deciding I was 'too much work' and breaking up with me after over 4 years really was the last nail in the coffin, ended up extremely anxious on a daily basis to the point I wouldn't be able to stop throwing up in the toilet from the moment I woke up in the morning, even if my stomach was empty I would just continually vomit stomach acid which is anything but pleasant. I have lost a lot of weight through being unable to eat and lack of sleep over the last year, I lost my job in January after nearly a year signed off work. Wish I could say I can see the light... but no such luck yet.

After re-reading realised I went a little off topic. I'm sure I am more isolated as an adult (23 now), not sure if that is a good thing or not. I do need my own space but then again I can count on one hand the number of people I see in a week.

Hikikomori-san, here's another idea - go out and chat it up with people in a park - homeless, aged, whatever. Some of them are lonelier than you can believe possible.

BTW, look up the word Hikikomori. I'm using it jokingly on you, but there are real issues connected to those so labeled in Japan and you might find the articles discussing them informative.

Heh.. actually I do know about Hikikomori and it does describe me to an extent.. I'm not a shut in however.

http://www.mangafox.com/manga/welcome_to_the_n_h_k/

i have been hikikomori temporarily, at various times in my life, and have become big-time hikikomori only when both my parents passed away. i guess that is just another way of saying "hermit." the aspie meetup group is a godsend, that finally has the power to make me want to leave the house for something other than my once-per-week trip into town for sundries. too bad it is only once per month, rather than once per week. it is the only time i have managed to meet people who were not totally different from me, that i actually had something in common with. too bad it cannot also be in my home county, rather than in the next county. i hate driving long distances.

I've become more isolated as I've gotten older for sure.

Same here...but mostly through to someone making a really bad joke that it has effected me.

I'm trying to get over it and seeing a Job Advisor so it may help.

I do have a few friend's I'd like to see but they either live far away, have their own friends so they seem to state that they are 100% busy or don't even bother with you anymore...it's kind of sad really...especially with those you knew in High School.