Difficulty accepting Asperger's Syndrome

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Hi

I am self-diagnosed, but it's not really something that I feel I need to fight with myself over. I've done the tests in the stickies, and scored well above what is expected for AS on each one. I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child.

Things have never felt right. I've torn my hair out, I've suffered in school and with major anxiety socially. I've never been able to make eye contact with strangers, doing so has always felt too powerful. Reading of it at first and stumbling upon it a week ago nearly had me in tears with how amazing it was explaining, things that I just couldn't explain to others. I've always tried to explain my inability to express myself and my complex thought patterns. I've been disregarded as stupid many times, taken advantage of in conversation. I had to teach myself social ques and I still get really weird looks with the way I do things or the way I speak to people.

This diagnosis has explained so much about my life, that it's almost overpowering as a result. I've done nothing but read these forums and watch videos on autism since my discovery. There's also an autism/asperger's community in the town where I'm from and I've already contacted them.

I've never felt different. I'm still being told that I don't have AS, as people just jump straight towards autism and don't understand the different aspects to both. I feel so emotional on another level now. I feel strong empathy for everyone trapped in their minds, unable to reach out. I feel like the world of NTs, is just too judgmental, too culturally possessed. I feel as though I cannot reach out to anyone.

I've spent the past month sleeping everyday. I've lost 15 pounds and I was already my average weight, being 6'4. I'm only know realizing how awkward I am in all situations and how my expressions are so bleak and seem forced.

It's just so much to take in. I want to take life on, but I feel bound to my bed, unable to move, unable to turn off that social anxiety.

Hey,

I don't know what your first name is but I just wanted to tell you that I know it's a lot to take in. I was self-diagnosed for a year before I finally decided to get diagnosed officially. Unfortunately or fortunately, I don't know, I did get diagnosed officially. Deep depression followed, and I've only begun to get over it recently. But the diagnosis will stay and changed everything, not always in a good way.

So it was just to say that you can talk to me whenever you like. Just send me a PM if you want to, and I'll give you my e-mail address.

Pauline

I am accepting of the fact that I have asperger's. However, I have yet to fully accept that it means that I have a form of autism.

i am guessing that my AS would be much easier to take, if there were no comorbids.

I'm very accepting of my AS and the quirks that I have.

I was diagnosed when I was in the psyche ward at 18 and it took until I was thirty to fully accept it. Before that I just never really understood why I could not hold on to friends or fit comfortably in with a large group of people like at a party. I just wanted to believe that I was normal and people would tell me all the time that I was normal so I thought that I was. I did not fully understand why I could not make friends like other people seem to do so easily. Looking back now even when lying to myself about being normal I still always felt different. I go to churches and never really make friends there. I can speak from experience the kind of churches I went where not set up to deal with people like me. I have always felt like people never really got what it is like to be me.

I remember this one guy I met who was doing a 12th step call on me(a 12th step call is where a sober guy helps another guy who just relapsed get sober) This was by the time I had full accept who I was and what I live with that I had aspies and that I also suffer from ADHD. Anyway when I try explaining it to him about how I was different he just kept telling that I was thinking I terminally unique. In AA it is a social no no to think yourself different. I am different I know that because I lived and have experience the differences between me and the rest of the world. I realize that I do not quite fit nor like in AA can I always live up to what other people think that I need to be.

What really helped me accept that I was an aspie was when I was on a forum where people where talking about their lives that where diagnosed with it and I began to identify with it and from there it just clicked I knew I was different. Also learning about ADHD have been very helpful in explaining a lot of myself as well.
As of now I because of behaviors and lack of empithy from other people I isolated myself. Because being around people is icridebialy painful and heartbreaking for me. I want the friends and the stuff that other people seem to get so easy and I always left alone. It is so awful I become so angry at this. Even when I thinking I making friends they are there for such a short time before I do or say or they get tired of me and there gone. So I choose to be alone because I can't have it the other way. Which is sad and even writing this I find myself wanting to cry. Anyway I thought that I chime in here.