Help for inflexibility?

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So it seems that my husband has AS, and one of the biggest problems is the inflexibility. The other day we planned to go to a particular restaurant for lunch after a long walk on the beach, but when we got there it was really busy so we decided we didn't want to wait for a table. There are 3 or 4 places on the same block serving similar food for a similar price, but none of these were acceptable to him, and he said he was feeling "weird" and just wanted to go home. So after this, plus a related argument on the way to the train station, it emerged that he starts to feel self-conscious and panicky if any of his plans go wrong.

This pattern happens almost every time we go out for a walk or something similar. If some aspect of the plan goes wrong, we end up arguing and it ruins the day. I suggested that we define a "plan B" in advance next time, but he said this would be almost as bad because it wasn't what he wanted to do and is therefore inferior.

Does anyone have any suggestions for dealing with this? What do you do to reduce the stress associated with a change of plans?

He's not doing it on purpose or to annoy you. Learn the Serenity Prayer.

I'm not nearly as inflexible in my plans as I used to be...in fact, for the most part I'm quite laid back. However I recently decided to sit down and analyze why I would become so upset in the past when my plans changed, and here is why...

Most of the time, when I became extremely upset about a change in plans it was because I had been greatly looking forward to the original plan, and had been thinking it over in my head for a significant amount of time.

When the plan changed, not only was I disappointed, but I was completely unprepared to deal with the unplanned situation. A lot of times people with AS have to plan how to navigate a situation ahead of time much like a person might consult with a map ahead of a journey to a place they've never been, and plan an itinerary. Though NT's can frequently wing changes in plans, people with AS have difficulty with this because there is a lot that goes on as far as coordinating goes that is innate and subconscious to most people but not so much so to someone with AS.

Instead of planning on going to a specific place and that place only, you two should plan on practicing being spontaneous. In other words, plan B is part of plan A.

A big problem in deciding where to go on the spot is the fact that he probably can't read you very well so you should both agree to be honest on what you want to eat and what you don't.

My experience is similar to Chronos' and I too have thought a lot about it especially since diagnosis.

I have found that due to the overstimulation problem I have with human constructed and occupied environments I have gotten into a habit of 'optimising' my energy input. You see it takes a lot out of me dealing with the noise, movement, shapes etc that I encounter in public spaces, eg;

- If I was your husband, while walking on the beach I would have been fine, nothing but natural chaotic sound and shapes and few people - few snippets of chatter to have to try and conciously filter through in order to concentrate on the time with you. I too would have anchored my ability to optimise my pleasure quotient in the low hastle well planned meal and exit, upon reaching the restaraunt I would already be starting to get overstimulated and be seeking the security of a quiet corner table with my back to the wall and few neighbours to intrude visually or sonically. By the time we were needing to adjust our plans i would be in much the same mood as your husband and desire to return to the safety of home.

I usually plan my life fairly solidly, it is easy I live alone [my ex found my mode depressing and oppressive] and it allows me to focus my energy on what I do get off on, reading, music and contemplation. I already know what my plans are fairly solidly for the rest of the week, I have my budget planned, my rough eating schedule etc, I am much happier, my home is organised and tidy and I am ultimately more relaxed, what can I say - I am what I am...

peace j

I realize that he is not doing it on purpose. My question is more about what kinds of strategies people who know they have AS have used to cope with situations where plans might have to change.

I have a hard time understanding why he goes from mellow and happy to anxious and shouting so easily, but your descriptions do sound familiar, so thanks for that! I hadn't really thought about it as an overstimulation problem. The incident with lunch was just like what you describe, though. We planned to go to a fish and chip place along the beach, but because it was a nice day and a bank holiday, it was really busy. But there is a whole string of pubs and little cafes in the same place, all serving fish and chips, so to me it seemed like one place was as good as another. None of the other places was as crowded as the first place we wanted to go to.

Do you think it would help if next time I made the plan a little more vague? Like maybe "let's have lunch in one of the cafes" rather than "let's have lunch at cafe X"?

One of the reasons why it is so hard for me to understand is that in other contexts he is fine with being spontaneous and just exploring places. We have traveled quite a bit in Europe and although our plans might have been fairly well defined in the sense of taking the train to a given city on a given day, we did not always have a specific train to catch and usually didn't really know what we would find or do when we got there. Maybe it was easier for him to cope because we were on vacation?

I can get like that and tend to go home instead. I know it annoys my partner.

The only way I can think to describe it is like an immense disappointment at something I had looked forward to, even if its not that exciting. I've explained it to others in that way to get them to understand the concept of second best.

e.g. your hubby wants nandos, knows nandos, is comfortable in nandos. Nando's is full with 55 min wait for a table. Going to Mandas instead for piri piri chicken doesnt quite cut it. He had an idea in mind, a taste he wanted to savour and Manda's isnt quite what he had in mind. Nothing wrong with them on any other day, just not what he had built up to today.

Now think of a time you wanted to go see a film at the cinema and it was full and the other films were probably as well made but not the one you wanted to see. You'd get a bit irate, annoyed... pissed off even. Multiply that by 100 and have no control over it and no understanding why - thats how I feel and quite possibly your hubby.

Its all very well asking for coping mechanisms for your husband but for many with AS adhering to routine or plans is the coping mechanism.

Perhaps its you who has to develop different coping mechanisms - i dont say that to be rude but its probably far easier and far more successful if you can change your way of dealing with these situations.

I am also NT coping with AS partner. I know exactly what you mean!! ! Thank you for posting this because I know that I'm not alone. I have only recently researched AS, so I really felt angry and confused and scared before. It is difficult, I know. It controls EVERYTHING and makes the simplest events into chaos. I've resorted to adapting to HIS inflexibility, like a mirror image. It helps me be more assertive in the relationship instead of letting him run me over (or being run over by the AS, I should say). When he doesn't like it or disagrees with my inflexibility I very gently (I mean walking on EGGSHELS) illustrate how it is no different than his behavior. I know... two wrongs doesn't make a right... but it helps him see things from the other perspective A LOT. It is also very important to be equal, and have equal importance in any relationship (which I'm sure you already know ). Yes, I take his symptoms into consideration, but I can't be the only person making effort in the relationship - it takes TWO!

I'm glad you described it as walking on eggshells, too! I don't have any direct experience with alcoholics myself, but I imagine it is a bit like what people describe when they have an unpredictable alcoholic parent. The slightest thing can set him off, and I am usually totally bewildered as to why. If he is having a very stressful time I feel like I cannot say anything at all without making him snap at me.

Plan very, very short intervals ahead of time. If you plan for an entire day and can't do it, the day is shot. If you plan what you're going to do next and can't do it, then move on to something else.

Plan for things to go wrong. Stores change their hours unexpectedly, and restaurants suddenly go out of business. Approach every situation as a contingency, not a certainty.

See a plan as an unfolding narrative. When you read a story, you do not know what is going to happen next. See a day the same way. "Oh! The store changed its hours, and we had to divert our plan - what an interesting plot twist!" Be curious.

See life as a choose-your-own-adventure book - at any given moment, there is more than one possibility of what can happen next.