Control, self-control

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When my son left public school last year, one of his biggest complaints was lack of control. He would go berserk when he wasn't allowed to make his own decisions, he told me he was tired of always being told what to do whether he wanted to or not.

I've read "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene and "1-2-3 Magic" by Phelan, and many other books, but I've never read anything about how to give a child control of his life and help him/her learn how to make good decisions as they grow up. A school psychologist once told me it's our job to "get him from 8 to 18 - now, how do we do that?"

We've been trying to give him more control over his own life by offering choices and options. But, we also worry about going too far and we've sometimes seen a little dictator around here. The negotiation in Greene's book works usually, but there are times when I'm the mom -- I just have to be (yes, you must brush your teeth - that sort of thing).

Are any of you walking a tightrope like this? Any ideas on locating a safety net?

I read some of your old post where you mentioned your son is 9 and you have tried
various meds. Would you please list what medication you tried and the pro's
and con's of each? I want to recommend a medicine for him but I would like to
know how he did on various meds so far.

I'm curious if guanfacine would help. It is suppose to help with the "hyper" part
of ADHD but its not a stimulant and does not effect attention span.

Whenever I've started acting up as a Child, one of my Family Members would start laughing and they'd tell me to controll myself. Even my Little Sister! Fun times. But I was bossy with my Sister about everything else.

It is, I suppose, your obligation to get the kid from 8 to 18, but sometimes you have to consider what's important and what's not. Hygene is important, some of the school stuff is not. Besides, sometimes the kid is giving a true picture, and the school, for whatever reason is not. If your kid wants to make his own choices, let him (unless you know he's about to do something dangerous...to self or others), monitor it very closely, and then say, well, was that a good choice? How did it come out? What did it get you? No teacher like experience.

At one point, we thought we had locked up every knife in the house....we forgot about the food processor (this does not have a gory ending)..... my kid calls me into the kitchen and he is bleeding profusely from between his fingers where he has cut himself on a food processor blade that "didn't look sharp." Ok, pressure, a towel and a trip to the emergency room, and as he's getting 3 stitches and a needle full of antibiotics, he turns to me and says "I guess that was a bad choice, huh, dad?"

All I said was, yup. Sorry you're in pain, it could have been a lot worse.

To this day, we have never had to worry about anything sharp around him. Not exactly the way I would have wanted him to learn that lesson, but it sure stuck.

There are other safer things that can happen too, and as long as you're there to pick him up and help him back on the horse, so to speak, you'll be alright.
Btdt

Well, after dealing with the bossy little dictator on Friday (it was LOUD but not as bad as in the past), he did come around on Saturday and we got back on track. We had a not-so-good morning, but then he ended up helping out and his attitude changed and he stopped being so demanding.

I guess it's more than just picking your battles, it's also picking the language. I was raised to expect I'm the MOM and that's that. Do as I say and do it now.

On Friday, I worried I was giving him too much control, but in some ways, he is sorta acting like me seeing how I guess I do act like the boss of the house (well, I am or at least that's what I thought I was supposed to be when I became a parent).

Thanks BTDT - I am still getting used to some of the choices he makes. But, he is new at this, he never was allowed to make hardly any until we learned about all this.

Please don't take offense, but I am not looking for an internet-prescribed medication. His Asperger's is not a condition like pneumonia or asthma that can be treated with medication. We have learned that the hard way and so far he has no co-existing conditions like depression or bi-polar that would require medication. Our physician has ruled those out. At one time he was depressed, but it was environmental and that condition no longer exists.

Thank you though.

Learning to obey the house ground rules and spreading their wings and getting to make some choices is something *every* kid goes through.

I learned early with my older two that while it was important to start letting them feel they had some control over their lives, it was important that I was still standing behind the curtains, truly pulling all the strings. The younger they are, the less choices they get. Usually just two - do you want to wear the blue or the green today? I learned you don't open the closet and say what do you want to wear? LOL

Those things that are non-negotiable are usually on the wall schedule. Baths, tooth brushing, room cleaning, etc.

As an aside, we've not used any medications for our son so far. We've used behavior therapy - home grown therapy. And so far it seems to be working.

Sure no offense taken I posted not just for your son but any others that may want to
know. I read an ADHD forum and an adult mentioned it was very helpfull with the
hyper part of ADHD with few side effects. You did mention he has tried various meds
would you mind sharing what they were and what went wrong? Seems the problem
your son is having is atypical to aspergers is why I mention meds.

it just dawned on my that no one has mentioned giving this boy some responsibility....if he has ultimate control over something in his life, perhaps he'll not be so frustrated by all of the things he can't control.
now i'm not saying that he should be allowed to make all the meal decisions in the house
( candy for dinner, anyone?)...but there must be something he could be in control of~ for my son, when he was little, he was the seat belt monitor ( i hated wearing my seat belt)~every time we got in the car to go somewhere, he would be in charge of reminding me to wear my seat belt~if i refused, he got a quarter....errand days were sometimes quite lucrative for him!
other things you could let him be in control of could include: some aspect of pet care ( if you have a pet), taking in the mail and sorting it, or taking care of houseplants........it should be something he'd enjoy doing, and something he could do with little to no supervision. IMHO, it should also be up to him as to when he does this daily task. tell him that you really need his help, and because he's such a big, responsible boy you know you could count on him to do the job.

Perhaps you are focusing on the wrong thing. The key to this is his emotions. When he gets upset he looses it right? So the key is how to cut him off from getting that upset, not quelling his emotions after they've gotten too much. How to avoid emotional flare-ups. This can be either situational (i.e., helping him learn how to avoid those things/situations he knows will upset him) or methodological (i.e., mind-tricks he can use to keep from getting upset).

Help him to learn to control himself BEFORE his emotions get too much for him to handle. Behavioral Therapy might be a good way to go. Emotion Management. Since there are methods he can use and you can help him use to keep himself calm and from just simply "bursting". Once he has a better handle on "not going there" then the rest really handles itself.

Helping him control his emotions after the fact is probably not going to be very successful. Helping him learn to AVOID those flare-ups probably will be. And it probably won't be perfect because he'll probably still have some outbursts. But usually in life perfection isn't very attainable. Just get his outbursts to the point where they're minimal and aren't causing him as many problems.

It'll also probably help with his stress level.

And like ster mentioned about responsibility, helping him learn to control HIMSELF (i.e., not the parent controling the child) will give him a greater sense of overall control over himself. Helping a person learn self-discipline is a great gift and life-tool to give to someone. It lasts and is a wonderful foundation.

Pi, ster - you are so right - what good is control if you have nothing to control (including yourself)???

Well, I hurt my foot yesterday and for the time being, he is now responsible for making sure the dog has water. Not a great thing, but he helps the dog, he helps me. He doesn't just do it, but if I go back after awhile, the dog dish has water so he is doing it. I'd give him more pet responsibility, but apparently I am also the chief pooper-scooper - ah well....

My granddaughter is visiting and really, overall, I shouldn't complain. He is kind to her, he plays with her (even played father to her babies - unheard of last year!!).

I guess on Friday I worried we negotiated too much and gave him too much *freedom* which was coming back on us.

Luckily, it was temporary - after writing this, really, we've worked hard and it does show. I've been able to re-focus, relax and reflect on how far we've come.

Machine - perhaps you consider the controlling, bossy behavior as atypical, however, I've read where it is actually quite typical. He just doesn't always consider the thoughts and feelings of other people. It's not selfishness (as some may believe), but an attempt to control his environment.

When I think about the child that lived here in October and the child he is now - I know in my heart we are on the right track. He will always be unique and I treasure that part. Sometimes, I guess it's me that forgets how to talk to him, how to understand him and how to start letting him go.

glad to hear he's helping out ! what about feeding the dog ?

I wish, but the dog has us trained - he gets fed as soon as one of us humans wakes up and that is never the kid.

We're having some minor sleeping problems here lately and I've been thinking about getting an aquarium for him. The filter would provide the white noise that may help him sleep while feeding the fish would help him with the responsibility angle. Plus, his old one cracked and we haven't replaced it yet. Maybe this time he'll feed them and not let them die?

I've also been thinking about other ways to make him more responsible around the house.

Hi-
My hubby found a chore chart that gives points not only for the job done but the attitude that the child had about doing the task. You can figure out how many "points" he would need to earn to get an allowance or a treat of some kind. I have a stash of comic books (not too pricey) for when he has achieved his points for the week. We have been lax over the summer but will be printing the chore charts again soon.

Katherine

the only thing i ever found difficult about chore charts was that they take time & consistencey...it's been hard for me to keep up with them now that i work full time....as far as the attitude component of it~ my idea of "eager to perform task" is way different than son's idea...

hehehe... Yea... well you know expecting eager is way too much to ask. I am thinking more like how much complaining is done on his part and how much reminding or nagging needs to be done on yours. This I think really is standard kid stuff. Probably most school aged kids would rather do their own thing rather than help out around the house. I am sure our kids are no different at all.

Katherine