loneliness

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I wondered if perhaps this was more of a female trait as in gen. discussion etc guys seem to say they're happy not having social life, friends etc.

I am really bloody lonely. I don't want complete isolation.

Its not that I don't want friends. Its not even that I can't meet new people. It's that I am unable to continue friendships beyond the introductory phases and I have absolutely no idea why.

I know hundreds of people but not one of them I would consider a proper friend. They never make effort with me, I wouldn't trust them with personal information, they wouldnt be interested anyway. It all seems so superficial with them. They are all outwith mainstream society in one way or another. When I had my child they just cut all contact. They weren't the parenting types.

I've read extensively on group dynamics and friendship but academic research doesn't really manifest well in real life.

My family ask if its because I'm boring because I like talk about complex things (science, politics etc) or perhaps things they're not interested in and pmaybe that's my problem socially. I don't have odd interests just not very social ones and almost-social things like knitting I can't do and chat at the same time.

Where I am, alcohol is the biggest hobby. I dont mind being in pubs and prefer drunk people to sober people so its not a dislike of the culture.

I spent my lifetime worried it was because I didn't drink alcohol and that put people off. I've worried that I was just a generally unlikeable person. I always stop at the last theory because I cant see what else it could be.

I certainly don't whine like this in real life.

Regardless, I'm still lonely and I'm told that if you have AS you shouldn't be lonely as social interaction isn't that important.

Does this mean the diagnosis will be wrong then? Maybe I don't have social problems at all and I am just a horrible person that noone could ever like.

I guess it would be nice for one of my many acquaintances to make the effort occasionally.

Am I alone in thinking this way?

No, you're not alone. I'd also like for acquaintances to make the effort sometimes. I'd also like my [supposedly] best friend to make an effort too. She doesn't reply to emails for weeks, sometimes months. She sounds all sincere in her emails (I miss you etc) but doesn't respond. I also think I must be a boring person, but what do NTs typically talk about these days?
I mean, I watch telly and do 'ordinary' stuff and can talk about it - so where must I be going wrong?

I like hearing about other people and what they've been up to so it can't be that I talk about myself too much. I was always 'the listener' at school, who dished out advice but now there's no one there for me and I feel a bit used.

I'm as confused as you.

I get lonely too.

The vast majority of time I can manage without much social interaction, but there are times when I realise this and feel very lonely - due to unemployment I get very little social interaction of any sort and my friends are drifting away from me - even people I consider close friends seem to be little more than acquaintances now, and none seem to make any effort. I wonder if we're supposed to make effort...but then I'd worry about coming across as desperate or looking strange as I'd not know how to approach friends.

This weekend we went out for my birthday - boyfriend and a few friends - I was looking forward to this for months, more so than any birthday gifts, and I even managed to put aside the fact most of the people there were my boyfriends friends, not mine. It went badly thanks to alcohol and friends/boyfriend being prone to drama, but it's still something I needed - social interaction.

I can on occasion go out, but what I don't understand is how people can be friends and just 'hang out' - they just seem able to call each other up to arrange a day window shopping or whatever it is 'normal' people do without needing a specifically planned event. I'm also a bit stumped as to what you do when you get 'too old' to go out, what exactly do 'normal' people do to socialise??

I really wouldn't question your diagnosis over this. I think it's a huge misconception that people with aspergers are disinterested in any social contact. From lurking on here, from my experiences, and the experiences of autistic people I've known, it seems more common for people to feel incredibly lonely but just not know what to do about it. And that goes for men as well.
Personally, I find I can go for longer without social contact than most of my friends, but after being stuck on my own for too long I go as scatty as anyone else would.

I have painful few people who I get along with. There is my boyfriend

...and then My business partner (an ex who I am in a band with...

the other members of my band (an aggressive ex and friend of many years)....and a good neuro-eccentric friend of many years who used to sorta stalk me...

There is just a small smattering of people outside that group who are my friends....many of that small smattering who I am on speaking terms with live in another city

Isolating myself from my band has proven unsuccessful in the long run.... ....but it seemed like the thing that I needed to do.

It has caused me to become too dependent on my boyfriend...for emotional support...and he is a lot more independent than I am....

I am getting better at being independent....but I have also been working with my band again because I need that outlet....

My social skills seem to have deteriorated over the years...

I come here and other forums to cure my loneliness because, honestly, I'm incapable of keeping up a friendship well enough in RL.

You are not alone. Your issues sound familiar from my own life and readings on others w. AS.

I can do without a lot of socialization, frankly I find it mostly a burden I bear for my children's sake at times. I also have forced myself to be with my extended family on occasions which I enjoy aspects though it is still incredibly exhausting. I was very content to just be at home w. DH and our several children. Now I am divorced so feeling more a gap inside as an adult seperate from just being with my children all day every day. I do pretty good with online friendships but IRL not so much. I hate chit chat and I long for topics of depth. I'd rather be "talking with you" about this right now, an issue close to my heart than out chatting up the ppl in the street about their choice of gardening, what the weather is like ect. Blech. Hate that kind of stuff.

It can be hard being alone so much, it's a good thing I like myself There are a lot of difficulties with socail obligations and pressures, which I've had my share of too. It is hard to find a balance that is as rewarding as it is an effort.

Kind of.. but I'm starting to find that those I used to be friends with in RL - I just don't want their company any more. I'm finding prefer the online company I keep to real people. Amazingly people I've never seen seem more sensitive to whether I'm in pain or not than people I'm sitting right next to - and I'm hardly subtle when I'm in sensory overload. And I find them easier to read. I find I just don't have patience for what other people call friendships in RL. RL friendship seems to me that to many people equals: you must compromise, but I don't and won't.

But I do need people, when my online friends aren't on for a while I do get lonely and I feel my mood going darker. I end up missing them a great deal. RL people just can't fill the same need, it just feels like there's no give and take with them, only take. I prefer online people I have something to talk about with, when we have something like that we can talk about I even do the small talk stuff, I ask after their cats and wives and how their jobs are going - because I do care. Too many RL people enjoy things that are outright painful for me to do (loud crowded bright places with lots and LOTS of people) and I end up being so overloaded I can't even hear what they're saying.

I do get very lonely without interaction, but I do need to take it in small doses as it's very draining.

I would die without friends.
My life is totally a piece of blank paper my hubby works late hours he is barely at home
my son goes out to play, then school and sometimes drawing class
im at home whole day and occasionally i go out and sit or go for walk
without that conversation or interactions i wont learn social skills
since when i was with my parents they had locked me up in a room whole day
and on while having this PTSD i would prefer to have a single friend atleast
otherwise i would just die completely already im dead from within

I don't really have friends, and get on fine without seeing people. Family is emough for me, but luckily I have a supportive and interesting family.

While I do have friends, its often because I was the one who intiated the friendship not so much them. Not that they didnt want me in their lives I find, it took me to be the one to push. And I do have friends that are glad to have me as a friend. In a way I am despirete enough for friends to push like that. I dont like how I have to push like that. If I didnt and kept it completely reciprocal, all Id have would be casual friends. I honestly dont like coming across as despirete. I dont know how else to do it, like a lot of NTs out there, I want a social life however friends and a social life doesnt come natural to me. I lived my last semester of college with a normal social life for the 1st time in my life.

I dont know how to do a better way. Now that Im not in school, making friends is gonna just get waay harder. I hope to find a better way to make friends where I dont have to be the one pushing

I get lonely without my good friends around (like when we all go home from college during the Summer). But I'm not the type of person that when I get lonely, I just want any sort of social interaction. I'd rather be around the people I want to be around, or no one at all.

I very rarely feel lonely, but when I do it sucks.

I am not close to my family, they keep a distance from me, and I have only 1 I would consider a friend, so yes, at times I get incredibly lonely, and also bitter. I find I don't care if I simply remain in my home and avoid going out, then I don't see couples and people together. I could, of course, join clubs and groups, but for some reason, I lack the motivation to do so and in my experience, I just never seem to fit in and end up giving up pretty soon. I am quite envious of those who are so totally secure and content without another human being in their midst.

I'm an introvert, and can be content with long stretches of near-isolation (since I'm married and he's home most nights, I'm not completely alone, but we both like a lot of "me time"). However, I almost never turn down the chance to get out and hang with friends. I'm more comfortable with small groups, but I can usually find someone to hang out with and have a good time with even in a large gathering. What I don't like is going to bar where I know things are going to be loud. I don't like loud noise and I really dislike having to shout to be heard. When my husband and I do go someplace loud, we always leave early (he's not fond of really loud places either).

There have been times in my life when I outgrew one set of friends and had trouble making new friends. During those times, I spent a lot of time reading, writing, and playing on my computer. My parents worried about me, but I was perfectly happy. I always made new friends eventually; I've never felt sad for the Rose that didn't have friends. I have great friends now -- funny, quirky, caring, creative. I'm not close to many people -- I tend to maintain distance intentionally -- but I have a few close friends. I'm happiest with a lot of acquaintances and a few very close friends, and I have that. Sure, there are plenty of weekend nights I stay home and relax, but just as many times when I hit up two or three parties a night! I can be very social when the atmosphere is right. (I know my limitations... for example I am not funny and should not try to be!) I think I've hit a good balance for me; since I'm equally happy on my own or with people around, I picked "other."