i left the world 2 years ago

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Two years ago i could no longer cope with school,the people,the stress and pressure that i had from everything,and i woke up one morning and told my mum i just could not get up and put myself through hell for any longer.That one act made me miss my final school year and sent me into the deepest and darkest abyss imaginable.I became completely disconnected from the world as i had no mates or anything to begin with.I spent almost 2 years locked within the confines of my own home,not seeing the light of day for months at a time.I became very dark and could no longer see the joy in anything.I cursed myself and others,smashed things and underwent the worst mind set imaginable.I saw all humans as corrupt and no longer trusted anyone.My confidence and self esteem were shattered and i was not even a shell of my former self.I no longer had any interests,everything became dark and i became nocturnal.I had no contact with any humans but my family for over a year and my loneliness was unimaginable(as it still is now).I brushed aside my 16th and 17th birthdays and cursed the day i was born into this world.I basicaly underwent a horrifying torture of the mind and soul,not to mention the physical damage i have done to myself.

I have never had a social life or experienced hardly any social gatherings.I stayed inside my home all through school and never went out at weekends.My loneliness has become unbearable now and i want more than anything to become part of this world once more.The problem is i have no idea how.It is immensely difficult to begin with,but having to put the last two years behind me and move on is something i jsut do not know is possible.I lack the knowledge of how to live life.It may seem silly i know however there are so many everyday things i ahve never learnt,for instance i have never taken a bus nor do i ever wish to.I am scared of the outside world.I don't know what to do if i were ever to walk out of the front door, and where to go.I am not interested in partying,drinking or music.This makes it very diffcult indeed as this is all people seem to do in my nowdays.Shows like "The only way is Essex" portray my home county quite clearly.

I envy those who can have friends and have a social life,however as my neighbour has non stop for the last 2 years bought his friends round to his house,laughing,joking,yelling and screaming non stop,it has deeply saddened me and it is something i can no longer put up with.My situation is complex beyond beleif and i beleive noone will ever truly understand me and my true emotions.They are quite literaly undescriabale.

What i want more than anything is to become part of this world once more,though i do not know how and nothing no longer interests me.It is heartbreaking for me and my family and i and they can not take anymore.My team wants me to go on a bus journey this week but it is something that seems impossible and completely pointless to me right now.I just do not know anymore, i ahve become lost and i will never be the same again.All i want is to be happy and have ppl and interests.As things stand i could never have a job and it is something tht i am terrified of.Everyone else is advancing so fast,learning to drive and out living their lives.Driving is another thing i am scared of right now.There is literlay nothing that interests me anymore.Sorry if this post sounds like ramblings or anything.Thanks
A lone aspie

This sounds like exactly what I went through two years ago. Which is horrible, because I wouldn't wish such a deep dark hell on anyone, even my greatest enemies.

You have to push through it. You have to go that extra mile, go on that trip with your team. That is how you get out of the hole. The alternative is to stay in your house, to stay in hell. That's the choice you make. I'm still trying everyday, sometimes I don't make it out of the house, but the days that I do always count.

Best of luck to you.

You really just have to go. Right now it seems scary, but it takes these things to change our perspectives. Nothing will change if you don't take advantage of opportunities to do something different occasionally. I was really down in the dumps at one stage and i was offered a trip overseas. It felt like the last thing i wanted to do - but i knew i couldn't say no to such an opportunity. So as much as i dreaded it - i went - and had a great time. It really helped in the longer run in balancing my thoughts, more experience at life, etc. When people asked what i'd been doing i could say 'i went to someplace!'.

It's not like all trips work out well - i've been on others which i hated and just wanted to go home. That might happen, but even if that does happen at least you'll have less anxiety about doing things in the future. If that trip really isn't for you, and you just can't face it then organise something else which is for you. Your parents probably know you've been unhappy, ask one of them to go overseas with you (not both - just one). They'll probably be very happy to if they think it'll help. You might hate the idea - but you'll like it when your there. Go somewhere where they speak chinglish and you'll be a master of the english language You need to get out of this hole. A trip of some sort is probably the best way.

I can relate a lot to your story, just that it all started at a younger age for me. A lot of what you wrote was how I thought after my exit from school during the darkest days of my life.
It was 2 years (from early 2009 to early this year) before I finally felt I was making any progress with regards to interacting with people and picking up my confidence from the floor as it was, and, indeed, I'm still not there yet.
My case doesn't sound quite as bad as yours but you've made a very good step in getting it all out on a public forum. I'm not sure what I can say other than perseverance. Also, the mind is very powerful and you can do more than you imagine if you put your mind to it. Finally, it helps to push yourself now and again, but ensure you don't do this too much too quickly, as it may have a negative effect.

thanks for the input guys.The problem i have is i am literaly sick to death of everything!My initial posts goes nowhere near describing my true feelings as it is quite literaly undescribable!I have 0% motivation atm which has in the past lead to my team and others having no understanding of me.The push needed from within is something i have tried time and time again but i just can not get my life back on track.I have been offered to go on trips or holidays before but even that is something i can not face.

The thing is i do not see anything outside my front door and i have no reason to get up each day.As i have said before the feeling is so awfull that it can not be described.There is a greater depth to it that noone can quite seem to understand.My severe depression is only the tip of the iceberg however,there are and have been many other difficulties i have had to face with it.Even now i think that these last few posts were pointless and i don't even know what i am doing anymore 2bh.I can't sleep and i am up til 5 am every night having flashbacks and depressing thoughts.I just see no point anymore and it is a very dangerous place to be!Tired of being stressed!! !!

Heh, my life story right there. I quit school out of depression myself (best and only friend I had wanted to end her own life, I stopped her and the subsequent fights we had destroyed me completely.) I can't say I got over it, but wounds do heal.

What I'm trying to say is, it'll get better eventually. Decide one day to take a step forward, and find something you like doing on your own (painting, writing, games, anything really). And focus on that for a while. Use it as a break in-between thinking time. The hours I spend thinking about life, the past, present and future of myself was hell, but I had games to put my mind off things when it got too much to handle.

Slowly I started to feel better and less caring about my problems. I basically became pretty neutral instead of negative. Then it took a few people for me to realise it was time to take another step forward and see life as a positive thing. Ambitions and acceptance of who I am. It's hard, but I manage well.

I too still feel most things are useless, but now I'm driven by my quest to learn everything I can, so that I may understand everything.

Some of us do understand what you're going trough all too well. You're not alone.