I hate aspergers.

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I went out looking for an answer to why I'm so unconfident, why I'm so bad with people and why I can't seem to get my life in order. I hated school and I hate job interviews, I have never had any good friends and I always wandered why I'm such an insufferable person, I know people can't stand to be around me, but why? Why can't I make eye contact?... Why can't I just have regular social skills and interests, why doesn't the usual stuff interest me at all? Why can't I seem to understand people?
Why am I so damn clumsy? I was portrayed as a weirdo whenever I tried to talk and be friends with people and people used to tell me that they hated me to my face and used to give me crap, so I avoid it because I'm still the same person.

I can't seem to accept it because I hate it so much. My youth is gone and aspergers has basically ruined my life.
When I was diagnosed with it, pretty much every answer I was looking for fell into place. Its like I never even had a chance.
I'm 22 in November which means that what are said to be the greatest years of my life are coming to an end and I haven't enjoyed a second of it.

People say "aspergers makes me who I am and make you who you are", so you are telling me I wouldn't have a personality if I didn't have it?
Aspergers plays a big part is making me who I am, but what if I hate myself? then what?
I tell myself that I need to accept myself and my... disability *grimaces* and realize there is nothing I can do about it. I have to learn to like it and realize its part of who I am. But then when I try my best to do it, I still think that if I got the chance to get rid of it and not be like this, then I would think twice about getting rid of it. Its still something that I don't want.

Another thing that bothers me is the fact that I never experienced the good traits of aspergers syndrome.
Apparently people with aspergers usually have good memories... why don't I? I have an appalling memory!
Apparently people with aspergers are quite creative and artistic, but I'm not, I have tried, I don't even understand art, a painting is just a painting to me and unless its something like a portrait of somebody where I can think "That's a picture of somebody who exists or existed at some point", but if its no straight forward then you will have to explain it and usually I still don't understand after people explain.
Whenever I read up on anything about aspergers syndrome, it always praises the intelligence of aspies (I hate the word "aspie" it haunts me) and points to some of the greatest artistic and scientific minds in history (Darwin, Edison, Mozart, Newton, Allen, Gates, Orwell) and it always states that aspies are usually above average in intelligence and all that, but I never was... Where is my intelligence? I can barely pass an entry level college course, I will never share my GCSE results with anybody. So basically I have some kind of mental problem I was born with and have no hope of ever getting rid of, and I seem to be one of the few people who have it who not don't have the usual high intelligence, but happen to be the complete opposite who can't even do basic school work. What the f**k!?

My final breath will be a sigh of relief. When I am laying on my death bed, I will know that my once in eternity chance to be here and my one chance to be young was squandered because I was born with some stupid syndrome which makes me socially ret*d... fantastic.

First of all, your youth is not squandered: You still have it. I am in my FORTIES and *I* am not old yet. I am still struggling with AS and hope that by the time I *am* old I will have made my way to some kind of truce with it. Secondly, yeah, AS sucks. I'm not going to be one of those folks that tells you it's some kind of gift. I personally think it's one of nature's cruel tricks on humankind. However, some of us had it played on us and you're right--there's nothing we can do about it. I'm working on accepting that myself. I find that thinking about things logically helps, and taking things in little steps. I've known I had AS (self diagnosis) for many years, but was just professionally diagnosed last summer, and until I got the professional diagnosis I kind of lied to myself about it...now it's harder for me to do that and I come face to face with the problems more often. Try to do baby steps....it helps me.

Good luck battling this mess. I hate it too.

~Kate

Wow, you really summed up my story also. Good job, that's exactly how it goes. Events (mostly school and social) through my pathetic life started to motivate me for an answer and it was exactly like that. All the pieces fell into place. In the meantime, my schoolmates are getting married, starting families and all that, while i still rot here with my parents, goddamnit!

Erm... sure... I suppose it's not old, old...

Well, I'm not old and I'm a young adult. But those fun and carefree years where I should have been enjoying friends and learning about life and getting hurt and everything, those are all gone. I'm not saying that the first 19 years of your life are the only years that matter and I'm not saying that they are all completely fun, but those are years are supposed to be interesting and where you do stuff for the first time and get to have little responsibility and life isn't too serious. You get your first girlfriends and learn your social skills, and get to experiment etc. I didn't. For some reason I see my aspergers as a separate part of me that makes me do and think the things I do and I can't forgive it for what it has done so to speak.

It just feels like a huge kick in the nuts. and I don't know how to accept it. If you have a giant facial mole or you have a disfigurement of some kind then there are certain things you can do to repair it, but I can't fix this and I don't know how I can handle life saying "Sorry, but you don't get a regular brain and get a happy social life, I have given you a brain disorder that will make you a socially ret*d weirdo.... sorry... then you will die and your existence is over.... sorry....".
I hate myself.



I wish I could say anything that could make you feel better, but I guess we are in the same boat. Trust me, we wont be on it forever.

That's one of the things that sucks about AS, that there's no "fix" for it. I'm a bit older than you are, and I've found some "workarounds" but you're basically right, there isn't a "fix". I'm still looking for more ways to work around what I find the worst parts of it. It's going to be a lifelong challenge, but I have children and so I don't have a choice other than to keep trying. You're young and you got diagnosed relatively young--I think you should keep trying too You won't be able to change your basic neurology, that's true, but I have learned some things over 40+ years that have helped me manage life better. I hope to continue to do so, and I think you will too...hang in there.

~Kate

To the OP:

I kind of agree with some of the things you've said and some of them I don't agree with.

I kind of know where you're coming from. Sometimes I feel like I've missed out on my youth too and I'm only 18. All of the stuff my classmates did, I really never got to do, or I didn't want to do it, or they made me miserable if I tried. I mean, I was bullied by everybody from kindergarten up until my last day of my senior year of High School. And then last August I woke up on my 18th birthday and realized that I'm not a kid anymore, its time to be an adult, and I don't know how to do that. I can't get back all of the stuff I've missed out on, and thats sad, but my life is far from over. Your life isn't over either! You're only 21! You've got a lot of years left to try to make your life what you want it to be! I hope you find something you really love to do, no matter what it is.

Another thing: I think I have Aspergers. I don't think I'm disabled. Just because I'm socially ret*d doesn't mean I have a disablity. I do hate that some things are more difficult for me than they are for others. I'm trying very hard not to hate the fact that I might have AS. It's difficult. I don't want to admit it even to myself, because I know there is no "magic pill" or instant "cure" thats gonna make everything better. I feel like going to any kind of doctor for this or even telling my parents what I think I have will make it somehow official, and I'll never be able to shake the label. Even joining this website was difficult. I actually spent like two days lurking and telling myself that I shouldn't post anything here because it would be like admitting I have a problem. After my introduction post, it because less painful and I'm glad I'm here because I've really connected with so much I've read and learned.

I really really hope that things get easier for you, and like I said before, I hope you find something you love to do, because everyone needs something.

PS...my memory is really bad too. I've had my current cell phone number for more than a year and I still can't remember it all without looking it up! I really don't think you're the only Aspie with a bad memory!

Good luck!

I was fifty-two by the time I worked it out. Half a century of dedicated wrong-headedness. Yes, it sucks.
No, there's nothing to be done about it; but consider - if there's something you could do to make things a little easier for the others: the kids aimed squarely at a lifetime of confusion and broken dreams; the adults aimed squarely at an old age of ignorance and loneliness (and in that category, there are both autistics and neurotypicals); wouldn't you want to do it?

I feel the same way. The worst part for me is not my terrible memory or social ineptedness. It's having a brain that's capable of doing what seems like 10 percent of the tasks that ordinary people are capable of and goes into mental breakdown mode if I even try to push it towards, say, a 15 percent workload. Ughh.

The only thing you can do is not obsess over the past and focus on the present and the future.

Whether or not you have a positive experience with Aspergers is basically just luck of the draw. If your special interests/talants enable you to get a career that you like and can support yourself on, you'll likely be happy. If you're like me and can't find a way to get a head to save your life, you'll probably be miserable. I'm 33 and at this stage in my life, I've nearly given up. I'm not suicidal, but I basically have no hope, no ambition, no goals because I have no way to accomplish them. To set goals only to fail over and over again would only make me more miserable. If there was a miracle "cure" for Aspergers that would kill you 10 years to the day after taking it, I'd take it in a heartbeat because I'd rather have 10 years with the posibility to enjoy those years than live 10+ years in my current state.

I hate Aspergers too, Hughey. I feel your pain.

Twenty two isn't old-old, its not even remotely old.

I hear often on the news "22 year old kid" all the time even tho your not a kid, you're young. You get treated the same as your in highschool as well unfortunately, older people still make jokes "I had this car longer than you've been alive" etc.

You haven't even close to wasted your life, tbh idk what you're referring to. Guys get girlfriends more in the college age than they do in highschool. In highschool--its underage, yeah.. 40% of all highschool students have had sex before 18, and a LOT of them have kids and drop out, its dumb, not enviable.

Excellent experience? Yeah some people after suffering and successfully wading through a lot of the bullcrap did get certain good experiences. But its not exclusive to any age, new experiences happen at ANY time. I will admit, even a few years ago at 21 I had many of the same thoughts as you.. thought I was a failure for not graduating from college when most people had, thought I was slightly behind.. but I realize even now at 26-- I'm not nor was I ever behind in anything.

Now that you're 22 you at least have the potential to get a job, get an apartment and bring a girl to it instead of sneaking around in your parents basement or behind your highschool everytime you hook up. You can CHOOSE where you try to make friends instead of having it set up from people who randomly have the same classes as you do. Even if you fail, talking to a pleasant person is within your reach wherever.

AS does suck, I don't deny it--its incredibly hard to main relationships, its incredibly hard to find any empathy or understanding in a world that for the most part is cruel and distant.

I have horrible memory and aren't artistic or creative either, but i'll take that rather than being a sheeple. Not being normal, at least lets people live life without blinders on.

If you have a decent personality, you might not be part of the group, but you can have friends and a life.

[quote=Hughey] I don't even understand art, a painting is just a painting to me[/quote]

I agree. If you gave me the Mona Lisa, I'd probably use it as toilet paper.

[quote=Hughey]Whenever I read up on anything about aspergers syndrome, it always praises the intelligence of aspies[/quote]

I'm a college dropout!! ! Oh and look up a man on Wikipedia by the name of Hermann Gandswindt. Thats my great great grandfather. He's believed to have Aspergers and he didn't achieve any success in life.

For once I will be serious I love having asperger syndrome to me its a super power.

I love it. I'm glad I'm where I am on the spectrum, though and not any further. I can do the whole NT thing, but still remain objective enough to see that most of them are boring, ego-driven a***holes with plenty to talk about and nothing to actually say.

I'm not pretending to have it all figured out. But there is a lesson that I am slowly learning.

The lesson is: don't judge your worth by comparing yourself to other people.

When I think about some of my more entie friends who are my age, I feel a sense of embarrassment and shame. I feel like I have screwed up my life while they have been normal, happy people. But whenever I catch them off guard, it always turns out that they have problems which I cannot even conceive of. Problems that have never been problems for me.

We all have our own set of obstacles, and our goal is to overcome OUR obstacles, not compare our position to other people. They're not even on the same track!

For me, if I ever end up having a stable, independent life with a family, I will have "won". That, to me, is the goal. Other people might have goals which seem loftier. They might want to become extremely rich. And maybe, once they have become extremely rich, they might look at me and think that I haven't been trying very hard to succeed. But they don't know whether I have been through more hardship than them. There is no real way to compare us. We're playing different games on the same field.

There also another aspect to this, which is the paradox that you can only really succeed once you feel a sense of self-worth which is independent of other people. This is especially true if you want to succeed by doing something which involves a lot of thinking, like I do. You do your best thinking when you feel like you don't need to prove yourself to other people. Thinking on demand doesn't work.