If you have read through most of my older posts, you may have some idea of my family situation. In August of this year, I plan on moving out from my family house to an apartment near my university. Nobody is forcing me to do this, and certainly no plan has been made for me by any disability agency to establish myself as an independent person. I just feel like it is time for me to move out. I am in the process of looking for a job to build up enough for a security deposit, as well as buy groceries. I have also secured a work-study job for the fall and have enough in pell grants to do this. My college tuition is hopefully mostly paid for by the state VR agency. I am one year away from graduating with a bachelor's degree.
Since my 19 year-old sister had her baby, things around the house have have been going badly. My sister and my dad haven't had a good relationship. When she is mad, she treats my dad like he is the devil incarnate. But when she is happy, she treats him like he is a great father. It is a very unstable relationship she has with him. Even though she is legally in custody of the child (her ex-hubby is a convicted drug dealer in prison) expects him (or me) to spend most of the day watching her child for her. When she does take care of the child (this is increasingly so), she gets neglectful.
For instance, today she put him in the high chair in the kitchen, but didn't strap him in (because I was in there eating breakfast). I left and I thought someone else was watching him, but she had gone to her room. A little while later, I heard a loud crash and heard him crying, followed by my dad saying "goddammit." She came out and comforted him. Apparently, she understood she was not watching him, because she didn't go kablooey on my dad.
Then when he gets difficult while diapering (I notice this too when I change him) she gets frustrated and sets his head down on the floor too hard. Her She finds the smallest offence in a lot of thing my dad says or does (or doesn't want to do) and explodes on him. He does have a penchant for not really being politically correct or saying things in a sensitive way. He told me that he doesn't feel like he should have to always "pussyfoot around with her"
Because of bad experiences with boyfriends in the past, she thinks that "men are scum," but still wants a boyfriend. Because of these internalized feelings, she berates me and my dad. She even said that she didn't really like me on account of my interest in anime, Pokemon and other things, and that she didn't want me "corrupting her child into a smelly nerd with anime."
She usually finds something he said offensive and then insists that he said something he didn't say, and she explodes within a short time. This is usually followed by her leaving the house in a huff (often with her child to go to her boyfriend's house, returning within 3-4 days at most). She says she wants to move out, but she is making little to no effort to find a job or look for apartments.
For his part, my dad is, in his words, "growing steadily frailer and frailer." He says is so frustrated with life here in Idaho that he wants to move back to Montana or to another area. But he says he feels like his health is failing (because of the stress of taking care of her baby and dealing with her explosive temper), and that his hope of moving is growing dimmer. I try to help him out as much as possible by doing housechores and watching the baby whenever possible. He turned 71 last month. He tells me that a lot of his stress comes from having to deal with her, and has reluctantly told me that he had at least one mini-stroke and one mini-heart attack about a year and a half ago. He say that "he just wants to die sometimes."
My dad knows that he is being used. He also is worried about finances. Since he retired, his income has been cut in half. He tells me that another major source of income (disability from a shoulder injury) will be drying up in July. However, he is very reluctant to kick my little sister out because he says he is worried about her baby's well-being. And before she had her baby, he didn't want to kick her out because "he felt he could save her from herself" and "that he couldn't do that to his daughter." But she has been fighting with him for over 4 years now since my parents divorced.
Since my mom divorced her Egyptian husband and moved to the local area (to be with us kids), my mother has been expecting my dad to give her rides to see us). My dad, already hurt by her running off to Egypt with my two younger sisters, and brainwashing them against him, is deeply resentful and doesn't want to help her.
I have one other sister who doesn't do all that much to help out with the baby, and she frequently goes to the gym or studying. I think she is doing it to get away from the situation. Although she doesn't help out with the baby, her and the sister with the baby are very close and frequently go and talk a lot. The other sister had a bad relationship with my dad, but worked her problems out.
Well, even though I have worn out all the same old canards about my family again, I feel like there is no future for me here. I am so anxious that I even feel guilty about leaving my dad alone with her baby to take a walk or watch a movie. I used to play video games all the time, but I sold my PS2 and all I have is a DS now. My dad said I am welcome to stay as long as I want (probably because he wants me to take care of him in his old age, which is the traditional Japanese thing to do). The house is feeling more and more cramped. My dad and me share a bedroom, and I admit I have human needs to satisfy (you can guess what I mean) and it is hard when I share a room with my dad. I would like to have some privacy, emotional and mental stability (an Aspie friend of mine remarked recently that I'm "deteriorating," and I notice myself stuttering and stammering even with my dad), and room to recover.
But, when I move out, I feel like I am abandoning the family. My dad has already told he he is "envious of me for moving out" I worry that his health will deteriorate further without my help watching my sister's baby. I worry that there will be a huge fight between her and my dad, ending with my dad having a heart attack. But, on the other hand, I have dreams (like having a nice computer and being able to enjoy my intellectual hobbies and frequent science fiction conventions). If I stay here, I will end up committing suicide or homicide. I'm just at my wit's end.
Anyways, I have presented you with a whole range of conflicting ideas. Any thoughts?
20 May 2011, 4:10 pm
