I want to meet someone...

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I just need a friend I feel lonely in a crowd. I wish I could talk to someone and be their friend, but it's kind of hard to maintain friendships when you're always having meltdowns and get lost, right? I wish I had someone who understood the meltdowns and why I can't give directions anywhere or why I am the way I am. But that's wishful thinking, of course. It's not like I have anything to give in return. It takes a long time to get to know and like me and I'm not really worth the effort. I don't know why I'm posting this. I'm just tired, people. I'm just really tired of everything. People my age are going to parties and having boyfriends and doing fun and fulfilling stuff. I kind of want that, I want to know what it's like to be a teenager, dammit. Well, maybe not the parties, but the other stuff. I'm so jealous I don't even know what to do anymore. I want what they have.

I know what you mean. I would like more friends too. And a boyfriend.

What I write here probably doesn't help, but: this feeling of being lost, of being unsure what you're doing or why, is part of being a teenager in this day and age. It's not all of it, sure, but those kids going off to parties, having someone they're close with, in class, doing sports, math league or whatever else... They don't necessarily feel any more certain about what they're doing than you feel.

i can't really help you in any other way then tell you that i feel exactly the same, and i divert a lot of my energy into trying to ignore these feelings.
usually, i succeed, but there are times that i just need to let it all out, and at those moments there is noone to share with...

[quote="evil_eyes"]b] I wish I had someone who understood the meltdowns and why I can't give directions anywhere or why I am the way I am. But that's wishful thinking, of course. It's not like I have anything to give in return[/b].

I feel the same way, about not being worth it. TRicky part is realizing why this isn't true. Maybe you don't have anything to give in return to all the "dime a dozen" teenagers around you, but that doesn't mean there aren't people out there, in your town that wouldn't genuinely appreciate you for you. I bet you feel worthless because you're not involved with the "normal" lot, well part of that is by choice i'm sure, so if you think it through you'll realize you think you're worthless because of you not being able to see the point in their silly partying. That to me is an argument that doesn't make sense. I don't know if i'm making sense, point is to me as I see it, your reason for feeling worthless is a tad paradoxical.

The above is beyond hard to really fathom though because I like you just want to belong, to have a gf, maybe a single friend which is hard to find for people with social difficulties. But it doesn't get easier when your own brain is feeding you lies. Ofc, I really struggle to do this at 22 so I can guarentee it will be hard as a teenager, all I can really suggest is you hang in there, for some it gets better with age and for others like me, well it goes very slowly

@Everyone in general:

The people I'm jealous of...aren't dime a dozen teens. Quirky, unique, dorky, smart, witty and talented people, they get to be nerdy and cool and get along with people. Do I need to point out that they're all either athletic, curvy, or skinny? That if they're not pretty, then they're interesting and vibrant and confident? I cry just thinking that I want to be a part of all that, I want to be that.
I am too different to get along, but not different enough to be unique and interesting and fun. I'm just...wrong. In so many ways.
I do have friends, but I'm very limited in how I can hang out with them. They grow; I don't. I hate this. I hate everything. Except WP. I dunno what sort of things I would resort to if I didn't have this place to just bleed out my feelings.

I went through the same in middle and high school. One thing I found helpful was to hang out with people who did not do those parties/group activities/etc that 'everyone' seemed to do on a regular basis.

Geeky as it may sound, I really enjoyed the time I spent playing Magic the Gathering (a card game) with a small group of people who were both in higher and lower school years than me. There's just something about being able to be engaged in DOING something rather than socializing that made it possible to connect at some level with people.

I wasn't particularly fond of the game itself (lets just say I spent only 50 bucks total on cards while the other fellas had whole shoeboxes full of cards and had spent nearly a thousand bucks over the years buying them)...but it was entertaining, engaging and it was a good ice breaker for conversations.

That group of people over the years started doing other activities besides the card game.. we would go play paintball, study groups, videogames, archery... lots of things that did not involve heavy socializing skills (aka parties for example).

So maybe you could try find such a group of people in your school and give it a try.

I agree with Dantac. Find people with special interests besides socializing. People who are passionate about something you can relate to. Doing an activity together is much nicer than going to parties. Look for some kind of club, or maybe even volunteer. I used to volunteer for Riding For The Disabled. My job was to hold the disabled children on the horses. I made so many friends that way, some my age and some younger and older. That did a lot more for me than going to any number of stupid noisy drunk parties. Plus, if you volunteer you will get amazing job experience and excellent references for working. Don't give up, because I know there's a place where you belong. But you have to actively look and try things, before you find it. Don't allow discouragement to steal you away from your goal.

I've been with this batch of students for 10 years, more or less. If there's anyone like me somewhere in the 300+ people, I haven't found them. I have a "group" so I'm not utterly alone, but they have friends outside our group and I don't. Sometimes they hang out with those other friends, in which case I have to eat alone.
My school isn't so diverse. I want to learn how to play tabletop rpgs, but there's no one to play with. The only one I know is waaaaay too cool and brilliant and has other friends to play with. See what I mean? They can talk about comic books and pop culture and anime and current events. I'm a dork, but I'm not dorky enough, not smart enough, not witty enough...Maybe I'll go to rpgtonight.com and play D&D there instead.
The only thing I can volunteer in is a religous youth group, and I'm not godly at all. I thought of volunteering, but I'm too slow on the uptake and awkward to be much help volunteering. I get anxious and scared in such an environment.

I'm really really sorry that all I'm doing is bitching. Honestly, I'm grateful for the support and kindness, and I'm not doing a good job of showing it but thanks. The best I could really hope for is to ride this year out with minimal heartache (...yeah right) and be grateful when high school is over.

You could try inviting that person you know along with his friends over to your place and have them bring their boardgames and stuff. That's how I started out with my group. The old 'hey I hear you like to play (this and that) .. i'd love to learn to play it.. you guys want to come over to my place and show me?' works pretty well.

There's always a spot for a quiet one in any group, you dont really need to be the sociable chatty person.. no need to bang your head on the wall about something that is not you. You'll find that fitting in or enjoying a social situation is not always about chatting about something..its about enjoying the company and feeling at ease. It will take a couple of weeks being part of that group to start feeling comfortable.

If you are good something like making cookies or drawing or anything that you can do and share with the group during your meetings. Exchange of gifts is a social tool (just dont use it as a crutch though! no buying friends here!).. and if you're the initiator you get more points on the socializing scale.

research what they like to do/play... see if you can do something along those lines... introduce self to group.. join group... enjoy.

not easy to do but its worth a shot

I'll be your friend.