autism disovered in old age

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When you discover in old age that you have been autistic (or Asperger) all your life, dramatic problems arise.
1. You discover all of a sudden that all your life has been pretense: pretense to be normal; so that it has been inauthentic and false. This happens all the time to many who never know they have been aspies. Modern world seems to be made to produce inauthenthicity. But when you realize it, it's like discovering you have spent all your life whith a woman o a man who betrayed you during all you marriage. This applies to all activities you have pursued with dedication ad effort.
2. If you have been an aspie you probably have not had many friends, if any. Probably acquaintances and relatives, with whom you have exhchanged opinions, some sort of help in case of need and whom you may have tried to help even in your shallowness. When, all of a sudden (or nearly) you realize your true nature, what do you do with this persons? They probably hnow nothing of autism (and it is hard to understand what it means to be mind blind from the outside). Moreover you have always pretended to be normal. In fact you have never been in a real community of friends. What can you ecpect in late years, the "remains of the day" (Ishiguro)? |to follow, and if possible, to stimulate some raeaction| - P

You're getting a bit carried away here. Being diagnosed with Aspergers/Autism does not and cannot change who you are. All it is is a slip of paper, or an official document (you know what I mean). Your friendships are real, and nothing can change that. The people who you have relationships with have put up with your aspie/autistic ways for years, even if you didn't realise it. There is no way any of those friendships could be fake or shallow, because you cannot successfully pretend to be normal. You can do things you might percieve as normal, or try to fake it, but I don't believe it is possible for an aspie/autistic person to completely hide their abnormality from normal people, as normal people are many times more perceptive. These people, probably from the moment they met you, would have noted that you are not normal, but decided to put up with it and be your friends anyway.
The BEST thing about being an aspie/autistic person is that even though you might not have as many friends as a normal person, you know that the friends you've got are true friends. The people who are your friends are friends with you despite your oddity. Not many people can claim to have friends like that.

..... and pecked at by something, apparently.

I believe you're right, sunshower.
My family and friends (3) are very real to me.
In fact, they are the only real things that I know I can count on.

I'm wondering if Paolo was recently diagnosed - because I went through something like this when I was first diagnosed . . . what I finally decided to do was quit trying to act normal - I mean, I don't say everything I think or anything like that - but I do carry a stim toy with me and I stamp my feet when I get frustrated and I don't engage in pointless conversation and don't make eye contact unless I want to, leave the room when I get overwhelmed regardless of what other people might think of me leaving, and ask to not sit by windows or go out to eat at off times . . . that sort of thing - and let me tell you how much this has reduced my stress level . . . no, I never did pass as normal, but probably if you met me 4 years ago you would have thought about how stressed and in pain I looked, but I acted pretty normal - now I am much more relaxed and act a little wierd . . .

But my point is that there were people who didn't really like that change and left - I know I really creep out my best friend's boyfriend, for example, when he had been fairly nice to me before (and he isn't mean to me - he just gives me that look like he isn't 100% sure that I'm not dangerous) . . .

So I think you can lose people, but I do agree that if they leave they weren't really worth your time anyway . . . my 2 closest friends really are close - I can call them and say something really off the wall and they will say 'Ok - what can I do to fix it?' instead of getting all freaked out - and that is worth losing everyone else to me . . .

With me it was "Aha! So THAT explains it!" And all these embarrassing moments and the "how could I have been so STUPID" moments that used to pop up in my mind along with a load of agony suddenly were exposed to the bright light of "Oh, that is SO typically Aspie," and the load of agony vanished.

I have known since high school that "There is womething called Normal." and "Whatever it is, I'm not it." And I faced the question of "Would I, should I, could I change?" And came down hard on the side of "To thine own self..." (uttered by the most totally mundane, normal, hufflepuff-ish SJ character in all of Shakespeare, buy, hey.)

I also figured I would have to figure out the rules and learn to play by them. That's a whole different matter than deceiving anyone or being deceived; it's more on the order of wearing a business suit for an interview or an evening gown to a ball, but applied far more extemsively. Unfortunately, that was a lot less easy than it sounded!

So that's my experience with learning about it in old age (I was over 60).

Doesn't do a thing to, with, or about my friends,who are largely science fiction fans and neo-pagans. I'm not that different from most of them except as every human being is different and unique (a sentiment common in fandom).

One of the entrants in Bubonicon's art show is a kid from Highland High's Special Ed program who is functioning on a 3rd grade level in mundane life but whose drawings are professional-level and who has created an entire video-game world with a thoroughness worthy of Steve Jackson Games.

Hi Paolo - an interesting and thought provoking first post!! !

I only became aware of my AS about a year ago (I am 58 by the way). My initial reaction was one of relief. I would not describe my life up to then as a pretence, more that I had continually tried to fit in and failed spectacularly. Better to try and crash and burn, than not to try at all!

Now that I understand where I am coming from, life is much easier because I am no longer trying to do the impossible. The one downside is that I live alone. I have been married more than once and have 5 lovely children, 2 of whom are diagnosed ASD and at least one other I suspect is AD. I haved always hoped that one day I could succeed in a good relationship, however now I understand myself so much more, I accept that I will most probably stay on my own.

Try looking at the positive side of AD. We have an insight into the world that only a small percentage of people share, and that makes us special. Yes we have issues to overcome, but so does everyone - life is not always easy.

The one thing an Aspie can count on is the awareness that he is different. Much of the stress that an Aspie goes through is due to his attempt to prove that he is like everyone else. It never really works of course because in the privacy of his own thoughts, he knows that it was all just an act. At least those who do it well can get away with forming a rough fit with others. And those who don’t, it is rejection and ostracism.

Learning and accepting that you are an Aspie does change the way you view the world. Certain things just fall away as you begin to understand why your social failures are often so violent and painful. The illumination does not make things better, but at least you now have a dim understanding of things.

Do not worry about having lived a “lie”. That’s basically how all NTs live as they seek to conform to the mindless dictates of their social god. Few NTs are ever really true to who they are because they are so caught up with trying to keep up with others that they never get to learn what that self is. Being an Aspie is different. The pain forces you to confront yourself. Why did all those things happen to you? Because of the endless introspection, self awareness comes easily to Aspies.

Take your diagnosis as an opportunity to explore a side of yourself that you have probably been locking up. I am a strong advocate for solitude as one way that Aspies can find happiness.

I was also just diagnosed recently, I am now 36, and at first it was a relief, then I had self-doubts and now I´m more like trying to get to know myself better, from another perspective.
I cannot say that I would have lived a lie, as I was and am living quite authentically, and nothing could change that.
But, I do not stress myself anymore so much about trying to fit or do tasks that I just can´t handle. Earlier I just really diidn´t understand why I couldn´t and gor very frustrated with myself as I always failed no matter how much I tried.
Also, after discovering AS, I have tackled many things that I couldn´t before as I was trying to solve them in a NT manner, I guess.

Take time for yourself and do the things you enjoy the most would be my advice to get rid of the "lie"-feeling.

|paolo follows| there are many reasons for which old age autists are in a very diffult plight. Asperger has come to be known very recently, in the nineties at best. Outside the anglosaxon world, even now not many psychiatrists know much about AS. Public at large ignores its existence. An old Aspie is seen at best as a taciturn loner. Not many people know about his (or her) needs. Sometimes they need for practical help, more often they starve for communication, faternal community, and perhaps the most difficult commodities to give, affection and love. And there is a non sequitur here because love and affection cannot be given blindly, whithout knowing he is who asks for it. And the aspie does not reveal himself.
An old aspie is accustomed to live in his bubble. To come out of his bubble requires an extraordinary effort, and normally that makes some damege to the bubble ("it si as if, before going for a walk, one had to sew each time his clothes, cut his walking stick, fabricate his hat and when he is out in the street a blowing of wind tears everithing apart and makes him naked |Kafka more or less - and no better narrator of the plight of the aspie than Kafka-|
Aspies are extremely vulnerable and this is why the must avoid any social intercorse. There is considerable public attention for the pshysically handicapped, tbere is none for
the psychically handicapped or fragile persons. |to follow if possible!

That's a good way to put it - I have been applying for jobs lately and having to check the 'disabled' box on the forms (in the US at least, that can actually be a good thing because so many companies like to have a certian number of disabled employees to get tax breaks) . . . but what gets me is that I think when they ask me what the disablity is I will have to tell them and I feel like I could be discriminated against because of that - it is a MENTAL disorder, after all - whereas if I were blind or deaf or in a wheelchair I wouldn't think twice about putting it on the form . . .
It isn't that I feel ashamed of having AS anymore, but I am aware that people still are more than happy to discriminate against people with mental issues (even though AS is neurological)

47 and read about it last summer, it was bingo explains everything

now i live by myself,sister & brother in the area,mother still alive and got my financial house in order,it wasn't easy at all

so i got just about nothing to do and no hope of ever being part of anything,just some strange guy living by himself who doesn't hear from the relatives much more than about once a week.

pretty much no purpose in life

Would it be asking a little too much to expect that being with some one else will provide the purpose that you seek? A lot of the tensions and distress in marriages and relationships arise because such unreasonable expectations are not met.

We ought to move beyond the idea that being alone does not imply that you are some weird freak who fantasizes about molesting little girls. For Aspies, solitude is necessary. The time that I spend by myself strikes others as unacceptably odd and often they will try to motivate me to “open up”. What they cannot seem to understand is that I need a lot of time to collect my thoughts and put some order to my emotions in order to function in society. And invariably, because I spend so much time thinking by myself, the type of life I prefer is the life of the mind.

Understanding that you are an Aspie frees you from the constraints that you may have previously imposed on yourself. Irregardless of how old you are when you first found out, the important thing is that you set yourself on the path to personal happiness. On that account, it is always better to be late than never. Imagine living a life where your nerves are constantly frayed from trying to do something that you just cannot accomplish. We have all done that, especially those who have discovered their Aspieness only late in life. At least for the time that is left, you might still find some measure of peace.

Hey Johnnie why are you such a defeatist? I am 58, discovered my AD about a year ago, and it was a great relief to understand WHY I had been finding life so difficult. I live alone, and will most probably always do so. I accept that is the way it is, and try to make the most of the life I have got. Knowing about my AD helps me to avoid trying to do things which just aren't going to work out - so knowing I am Aspie is actually helping me in making a better quality of life.

Think about what you CAN do - not what you can't.

POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE!! !

Zeno you have got it dead right. I couldn't have put it better myself!

I suspected I was autistic long before I had heard of anything like "Aspergers". I had obsessive thoughts about one thing and would was often not listening to people such as lecturers in class etc and take very little in preferring to be living in my own little world instead. I could understand the meaning of individual words quite well, but had poor comprension of larger phrases and I had to read them over and over again for the meaning of many of them to really sink in.

Also my childhood behaviours such as delayed speech until I turned 4 and the frequent tantrums of head banging on walls paths etc and turing toy cars upside down and only spinning the wheels around with my fingers or prizing the friction motors out of them as it was only in the parts and not the whole toy. I also did not take to cuddly toys such as teddy bears and other soft toys at all. I disliked cuddling anybody. I disliked getting cuddled by any person as I was a child with the exception of my mother.

I also felt very uncomfortable about going up to people and telling them "I love you" and being really sincere about. I should think many autistics would be extremely clumsy when it comes to romance or love making. I personally can feel nothing more in a kiss other than it feels kind of "wet" That would make married life pretty tough for people like me on the spectrum. One typical feature of two lovers at a restauant table is the act of them holding hands and looking at each other in the eye. I would feel very awkward about doing that. Little wonder why such a high proportion of marraiges involving autistics fail.

Turned out I was diagnosed as autistic way back in the Norwood Clinic back in 1961 when I was 8 later it was confirmed I am in fact high function early this year.


Paul

My attitude isn't going to change reality.

Somebody could be all gun-ho about washing dishing and jump for joy about it or can have a negitive attitude about it,reality is they will still be washing dishes

reality is people avoid me like a leper, pissing my pants with joy about it still won't change the reality that I'm worse off than being alone on an island, at least I would have hope of rescue in that situation.

All I pickup is negitive vibes from people with them all knowing I've never been married. I'm thinking of moving someplace far away and lying to people that I had to get away after my wife & 2 kids got killed in a car wreck damn trucker ran them over

Zeno


Flirting with an aspie is like talking to a deaf person,they can't hear you and aspie's don't pickup on woman flirting with them. Within seconds some woman is insulted because they try hitting on an aspie and the aspie ignore's it because they don't even see it.

I tried the warm & fuzzy do-gooder route, volunteer at the senior center to do taxes, whats the point They are broke because they are morons and will take their little refund check to the casino Other people are just cheap SOB's looking for a freebee and others are just professionals at living off the system. About 2% of them deserve my help, the rest are just various types of morons.

My town has 2 political forums, ain't no way to help the situation, the people involved in politics are morons who are more interested in playing political hand granades than doing any good for the town.

I joined a truck drivers organization,they claim over 100,000 members I'm probably the only person on the planet they won't take an annual dues checks from All it really is is another pack of people feeding off the suffering in the world with no intention of really doing anything about it. They have a forum and it didn't take long for them to get sick of my suggestions and questioning things.I've been banned from 4 other truck driver forums, 1 of them just for joining,never even made a post and got banned

I got a car project I'm working on,but probably don't have 100 hours of wokk left to do on it and I will probably do taxes again this winter,got me after that. Maybe I will move just to complicate my life