Eye Contact

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Why is it such a big deal when you dont look at someone face to face when you talk to them? I know it's rude to NTs but I have to look away at some point. Besides I can hear them because I'm right next to them. To me its fine when you dont talk to someone face to face, as long as you can hear them IMO. Do you agree or disagree with me? Besides I'm not shy or anything as I do this to anyone I talk to regardless of the situation.

Whenever I focus on eye contact, I can't concentrate on what the other person is saying. And if you focus on eye contact too much you get accused of staring.

Nt's will think you are lying if you do not look them in the eye when you are talking to them. They get uncomfortable if you give too much eye contact as well. It's hard to figure out what is too much or too little.

Bah... eye-contact... the bane of my existance. If I didn't look, then I was either 'shy' or 'disrespectful', or 'shifty'... but if I looked, then I was 'staring' or even accused of 'giving the evil eye'. I could never get it right. One school I applied for even rejected me after I spent a day there because the other pupils said I kept glaring at them or looking at them weird Which was NEVER intentional. Over the years I have somewhat managed to learn eye-contact, but I'm still accused of being shy when I'm not, and I have to look away after a while or I get really flustered with whether I'm doing it right. I guess eye contact is supposed to convey interest in what the other person is saying... but surely my replies should be enough to show that?

Eye contact is an NT measuring gage for honesty and interest as has been said. However, I personally think it should be kept as an "NT" thing only. I can tell whether my son is engaged in conversation or not. I can tell when he is making up a story.
When he wants my attention really bad and he's needing something, he'll look at me in the eyes and say whatever and then quickly shift out of it.
I used to get yelled at for not looking in the eyes, but really it was too much. Listening to some rabble should be good enough. My mom will look you in eyes, nod her head and reflect what you are saying, she'll have all the "right" cue words. But next month, she won't remember that heart to heart, she'll accuse you of never "telling her" that story.
Ironic. body language can be learned and manipulated, so why would it be used to gage honesty and involvement?

Because the majority like things done "their way" and, because it's what they normally encounter, it doesn't occur to many that there may be other different ways of working communication.

If I'm listening to someone, I want to listen to them. Period.

Radio suits me much better than televison. I don't have to be distracted by the presenter's face, clothes...

With me, shutting my eyes to listen to you is a compliment. *I'm concentrating*.
Some folk who know me well have managed to learn this.

And I do know enough to make allowances for those poor socially-inflexible people who insist on a degree of eye contact.

(Actually, after 30 years spent staring into eyeballs at very close range, my eye contact social cues are way off the normal range anyway)

My eyes just dart around a lot instead of keeping on someones eyes. If the eyes are pretty I can look at them more and keep a nice appearance of eye contact, but if they're plain I look elsewhere.

I have a really difficult time with eye contact, I feel petrified that I'm going to send the wrong messages. I don't seem to have too much trouble when it is people I'm familiar with though, but maybe that's just because they've gotten used to my ways. But when I make eye contact with a stranger, a thrill of fear shoots through me, squirts of adrenaline in my stomach. Anyone else get this?

NT people want to STEAL YOUR SOUL!! !!

Nah, I don't really understand why they're so upset, though.
I know that they can receive a lot of information that way, but any information they could get from me would either be useless or distorted anyway.
So I don't understand why they make such a big fuss about it.
If someone does, I always tell them "Look, you can either have me exclusively look at you or have me exclusively listen to you. Not both. The choice is up to you."
Try to make them understand that it's my highest praise to look away because that means I'm devoting my entire being towards listening to them.

I try to look my closest friends and famiy in the eyes, but if I'm tired, I can't even do that.

Because they for some reason equate looking away with being ashamed with being guilty, I have always been the one blamed for everything because "You look guilty!", even though, at least when I were younger, were incapable of telling a lie or being dishonest.
This is an artform I have had to learn to be able to get along in their "normal" society, a society based on lies and deception.
No wonder there's always wars going on...

I can only give Eye Contact, when somebody is having a friendly conversation with me, and only than. My Mom gives me intense Eye Contact, when she thinks she's getting a point acrossed to me. It looks like she's going to strangle me, so I look away as fast as I can, because I feel intimidated. The same thing happens with my Dad, as well. I wish that people would try to get their point acrossed a different way. Notes and Letters are nice. Maybe I'm just a Rebel who's allergic to Family Life in General.

I think it's a dynamic going on. People want to make their point and receive the "appropriate" response. We don't give it so they stare at us, focus their energy and sometimes repeat themselves to see if we "get it".
I doubt NT's stare at each other as much.

I have too much eye contact when talking to someone.

I tend to stare directly at the person. Haven't quite got the hang of it yet!

I've kinda gotten used to it now... But I used to have the same problem of being told to look at people and the being told I was looking at em too much, now I've pretty much gotten the hang of modulating eye contact, but there are still days when I simply can't be arsed and end up giving people evils...

I have very difficult time making eye contact. This gives me alot of trouble.

Yep, same here. I've perfected a tenique where i look at someone for a few seconds and then look away, then look back for a few seconds then look away. I think it makes some people uncomfortable. I guess it makes me look uneasy. I hate eye contact though. Having to look at people when i talk to them just makes me feel wrong. I don't know whether i feel nervous, or tense or what....but something.
Anyway, i try to avoid it while not upsetting others, a tricky thing... and sometimes impossible.

I recently read a "coffee table"-style book about eye language, written by and for NTs.


Evidently, to them eye contact is akin to punctuation most of the time, used to emphasize points and requesting feedback at key times.

Looking back to recent conversations in which I tried maintaing eye contact, I can definitely see this practice being used. After reading the book, I followed some of the rules for eye contact (and thought of it as part of my language, rather than a separate component).

Guess what?

It works!


Since following guidelines in the book regarding timing instead of the simple 30-70% rule, I received much more positive than normal responses from everyone I talked to.

Since the book itself really isn't one I would recommend, I'll just write down some guidelines here.


Times to use eye contact:
End of an important sentence (to add emphasis)
End of a question (to request feedback)
During the entire time of asking a rhetorical question (to ensure proper delivery of the question)
At key points in the other person's speech (such as when they are delivering or requesting important information)


Since I am rather good at written communication, thinking of eye contact as punctuation makes the whole concept much easier to grasp. I would suggest that everyone here begins thinking of it in the same way to help them in communication.

In reality, you don't need to use much eye contact, just specific times. To further demonstrate this, I was also surprised at how little eye contact the average NT uses... but general rules (and effective ones, at that) can be derived by observing when NTs initiate eye contact.

Hope this helps.