How the heck do I ask a nearly stranger out

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Or maybe asking out isn't the right word? There's a girl who works at a theatre I attend occasionally...once a month, but sometimes once a week if they're doing a festival. We actually have a mutual friend as well, an actress in a film for which I was the cinematographer.

First off, her relationship status is rather murky. I asked our mutual friend about her "status" and she said she was in a pretty serious relationship. So okay, I figured that door was closed. But then the girl started a facebook, and we became friends. On her FB page, it said she was in an "open" relationship, but later she removed her status completely. So I don't know what to make of it.

Ultimately, I'd like to get to know her, you know? But damned if I can come up with a suitable pretext. This is something that has always given me trouble when it comes to approaching a girl I've more or less just met. Let's face facts, attraction is an important component. If she is attractive physically, I am naturally drawn to her.

The important distinction is that, physical traits isn't the alpha and omega. It's just one part, and a rather small one. I want to get to know the person better, because that's what ultimately matters to me. Plenty of beautiful people become ugly to me once I see there is nothing to them inside. But I won't know till I learn more, right?

But one of my big, huge problems in that first dating step is I can never come up with a suitable pretext to take things further. I'm afraid that the other person will see my motives as purely carnal. Is there anyone to make that first overture and not seem at all duplicitous? How do I overcome that bit of animal attraction, and make clear that my motives are genuine, that I'm just interested in getting to know the person?

And how do I do this plausibly? I mean, it's far easier when it's someone you see on a daily basis. With her, though I maybe see her once a month if something good is playing at the theater. So it's harder to make that leap in a plausible, gradual way.

How do I get to know a person, without coming off as a total lech?

My suggestion would be to have a conversation when the theatre is not busy. I'm aware that conversing can be difficult, from personal experience, but see if you can strike up a conversation. Maybe about a film that's currently playing? Then, before she has a chance to get bored of your conversation, say that you enjoy talking to her and ask her if she'd like to get a coffee sometime.

That's what I'd do, anyway.

Well we did have a nice conversation after a show got out, and she seemed very enthusiastic and interested in what i do, and I did the same asking about her interests.

That's what really grabbed me. Pretty girls are a dime a dozen, but she has a head on her shoulders. I didn't ask her to coffee that time because I was afraid of ending it on a sour note if she was indeed in a relationship (this was before I asked her friend about her status).

Now I'm trying to figure out how to recapture that first moment, take it further, and get to hang out more.

I agree with the above: try to have a conversation with her, then say you'd like to get to know her better and invite her for coffee or lunch.

If she's already "taken" she will make it clear at that point. If she's just not interested in you, she will decline your invitation. If she's interested and available, she will accept your invitation.

It is really as simple as that, and no other pretext whatsoever is expected or required. "I'd like to get to know you better" is the most standard and acceptable opening for a first date.

If you simply refrain from discussing sexual topics, she will have no reason to interpret you as having strictly carnal interests, and will understand that your intention is to get to know her better.

If she does go out with you, and seems to enjoy your company, tell her towards the end of your date: "I'm really enjoying your company. Could I call you later this week?" She will then either inform you that she's not interested, or she will give you her phone number and permission to call. If so, you can call her 2 - 4 days later to invite her on date #2.

I wonder if I can tack on my problem to this thread - I'm sorry to take attention away from the original question, but I can't make my own threads here until I've been around for five days, and it's only been two. (Is there any possibility to grant me posting privileges early so I don't derail anyone else's threads?)

I have the same questions as Brian, but in my case it's not a stranger I'm interested in, but a friend. He's not a super-close friend, but I see him maybe once per week and he occasionally comes to my apartment to visit my flatmate. He lives upstairs from me. I've had plenty of conversations with him and I really like him, but I have no idea how to judge whether he's interested in me, and aside from not having a pretext to see him more often, I also have the risk of making thing complicated between me and him and all our mutual friends if things go wrong. Still, what's a good reason to spend time with him or talk to him? He's very quiet, doesn't talk much unless he's drunk. He works a lot so he's not home all the time. I would feel ridiculous asking him out for coffee or a drink, but I feel like I'm inviting him over to my place to hang out too often and he's not accepting often enough. Does that mean he's not interested, or only that he doesn't realize I'm interested? I've heard a rule that you shouldn't contact someone more than twice in a row without them responding to you, or something like that? That if they're interested they'll pursue you and you won't have to pester them? But this guy is kind of unusual and very private. He does very nice things for me, but he does that for everyone. I wish I knew how to tell from body language whether he's interested or not.

I'm going to a big party in a few hours and he's going to be there. I'm trying to decide if I should make a move...

Brian, I wish I had something helpful to offer you. I think that the advice of asking her out for coffee sounds nice, but then again if I were in your position I'd be terrified and my nervousness would probably be reflected in my body language and speech, making me less attractive. I hope things work out though. I wish you far better luck than I've had.