NT girl trying to figure out her relationship with an Aspie.

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Aspies, or more specifically the one I'm dating, don't show emotion the way other people do. With my girlfriend, she's more about words.

Here's the thing: I'm an affectionate girl. I'm constantly hugging or kissing or just touching people on the hand, it's just how I was raised, to be open with affection. So now that I'm in a romantic relationship, well, in a perfect world I could show that the same way I do with other NTs.

But my girlfriend has major issues with touch. I'm one of four people who can generally touch her if she's doing OK, the other three are her family. But lately, she's having problems with her Aspergers (as well as other mental illnesses that are all bouncing off of each other). It's a lot harder than before for her to handle or respond to hugs/etc, and she doesn't know how or when to instigate affectionate touch herself. I know she likes me, but the thing is I don't pick up on the way she is showing it and she doesn't respond well to my way. I end up feeling really sad and rejected at the end of the day, and I have some really bad self-worth and self-esteem issues myself, as well as clinical depression. I'm really patient with her and would never ever blame her for how she is. It's just difficult sometimes.

I guess my question is, how can I deal with this best? I know it's not fair to ask her to operate like me, but asking me to operate on her level is impossible as well. How can we meet in the middle?

Hi there.

I can't say that I'm very familiar with the dating world, but I am an aspie. Your girlfriend's problems with being touched might not be related to affection at all. Many aspies are hypersensitive to things like light, heat, noise... or touch. On a bad day I might not be able to tolerate a hug from anyone, even if I need a hug.

Anyway, I hope it helps.

NT people need to stop dating outside their kind.

I mean serioully, this is one of the most common questions to come from NTs who post on WP.... "My boyfriend or girlfriend is an Aspergian and I just feel so neglected and emotionally unfulfilled. What do I do?"

Okay, well, none of them would ever date a deaf person and then complain because he or she can't hear what you are saying... but it's all right to blame people on the spectrum for being who they are.

Your girlfriend does what she does because she has Asperger's syndrome. That's who she is and it effects everything she does. You either love her or you don't. You stay or you don't, but it helps no one to make her feel that the success or failure of the relationship hinges on her. That's extremely unfair.

If you can't take her being who she is then do her a favor and end it now.

No need to be that way, dyingofpoetry. This isn't an NT blaming her aspie partner, this is an NT who is desperately trying to understand. It's not so much complaining that your deaf partner can't hear you, it's more like sadness and frustration at not understanding your deaf partner's sign language.

We need to stop "dating outside our kind"? You're right, dyingofpoetry. And all the black people should just quit thinking they can date white people and the boys should date their kind instead of thinking they can date girls... do you realize how ridiculous you sound?

The only thing in the world I want is to understand her. I'm bending over backwards for her needs because of how much I care, but when my needs aren't being entirely fulfilled, there's something that needs to be done by both partners.

Your comment, if it was about Aspies having to just date inside their kind and get away from all the NTs, there would be a freaking uproar. You're an embarrassment to the AS community.

Have you tried asking your partner for her ideas on how to improve this situation? Maybe some creative solution could be worked out between the two of you. I've often found that brainstorming "outside the box" has solved more problems than straight-up compromise.

But if you need constant touch and physical affection and can't change that, and she's hypersensitive to touch much of the time and can't change that, I think it would be rather unfair to both of you to keep dating, since you would grow to resent each other's needs.

My best advice, unfortunately is more communication. It may be hard sometimes, but it almost always helps to communicate. I wish you luck, though. She's lucky to have someone so patient and kind.

Shoo.

Okay, rip on me... that's fine... because I am correct.

Let's see how this relationship works out two or three months from now. Please give us an update, because I would bet cash that it will not last that long.

If you are being very patient and loving, then why are you asking us for advice? If you had just met her a few days ago, then I could understand writing to WP for some pointers about what to expect and how to handle it.... but you already know each other and you say you have been patient... and now what? Now you still don't know what to do? That does not bode well.

As for the not dating outside our kind comment, I was pretty sure that an NT would recognize hyperbole (Apergerians, maybe not). My boyfriend happens to be an NT, but he comes to me only and always when we have difficulties. THAT is how he shows he cares. We work things out between ourselves. If we cannot do that, then it is probably over. Certainly, if we were together long-term, we would get counseling, but by that time we would be way past the AS/NT issues.

You even began the post with "Aspies, or more specifically the one I'm dating, don't show emotion the way other people do." Wow, and I'm the one being prejudiced?

Last edited by dyingofpoetry on 12 Jun 2011, 9:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Common sense says so, but I hope you're mistaken. People can work through these differences. For instance, I'm hypersenstive to noise, but my brother is hyposensitive. He needs the TV on really loud, I need peace and quiet. It can be challenging, but we manage to avoid going at eachother's throats. I imagine it's not so different with couples living together.

Some days I can barely tolerate the shirt on my back. Imagine being able to feel every individual hair on your body simultaneously, and you might get a general idea of what it's like. Of course it's not a perfect analogy, but there is really no perfect way to describe it. Whenever anyone touches me, even my family, it feels like a thousand centipedes crawling where they touched, and I keep feeling it for probably 5 to 10 minutes. There has literally been one person who I could tolerate the touch of.

From your description, it sounds as if the problem isn't actually the touch; it's HOW you're doing it. Make sure she knows it's coming, so to speak. Don't just spontaneously go at it. If it's expected, it's easier to deal with. Also, try to keep a consistency in what you do; make it so that she can form associations - If we're watching TV, she's going to cuddle up to me; when I come home from Thing X, she's going to kiss me. We can handle things much better if we can - I don't really know how to say this other than 'build it into our system'.

Best of luck.

Don't despair. I have realized in hindsight that I failed to display/make apparent to my ex how much I actually liked her and how much I thought about her. I feel bad now when I think about it because I realize in hindsight that she was constantly prodding me with questions to give her some idea of how I really felt about her. The truth is that hardly a minute went by that she wasn't on my mind, I was actually crazy about her.

I unfortunately didn't realize she wasn't aware of this... and now it's too late. My point being... Don't get to upset if your partner with AS comes off cold or unloving... She probably thinks about you a lot more than what you realize. Furthermore you probably mean far more to her than what she makes apparent.

Best of luck to you. I hope that everything turns out

Dyingofpoetry, all I really wanted was to know if anyone here had been in my situation and if so, how they dealt with it. You really don't need to contribute anything more to this conversation, but thank you for your input.

Orannis and Rippercase, you've actually been really helpful. I've talked to my girlfriend about this, but it's hard sometimes. Being an extremely intellectual thinker, she sometimes assumes that we don't need to talk about emotion and her feelings are taken as a fact.

Anyway, she's having some issues with her Asperger's/Bipolar Disorder right now, and doesn't want to tak about something like this until she's herself again and can handle it. I just wanted some advice on what I might do when that time comes. So thanks, guys

That was exactly what I did: "My boyfriend happens to be an NT, but he comes to me only and always when we have difficulties. THAT is how he shows he cares. We work things out between ourselves. If we cannot do that, then it is probably over. Certainly, if we were together long-term, we would get counseling, but by that time we would be way past the AS/NT issues."

You may want to check out my other posts in other threads. Actually. I give advice for a living: I teach people in a homeless program how to reach their goals. I am also a professional life coach. If you actually read what I wrote instead of being resentful about it, then you may have found it helpful.

I do not pull punches. I will tell people exactly how I see things and do it with complete honesty. Having said that, I still don't believe that you have patience and empathy for her. I believe that you love her and want to help her and she does not need help; she needs an equal and a partner who consistently strives to understand. I also believe that you are quite frustrated about the touching issue and no amount of talking will ever make that go away. You need to realize that it will always be there.

I am sorry that no one in this immediate thread liked anything I had to say, but I still stand by it.

I respect your opinion and respectfully disagree. Thank you.

Dyingofpoetry is right a out one thing: the hypersensirice issue is always going to be there. It will never go away. It might get better with time, but it will not go away. When you love someone and want to be in a relationship with that person some times you need to adjust to make things work. I had to change a lot of things to be with ny Aspie husband, and he also changed a lot of things to be with me, to make this work. We've been together for 16 years, and we are very happy. Giving up to hugging/touching is nothing for happiness. Maybe you could find another way to express your feelings (maybe verbally), and she could do the same. But I do believe you both have to give to make the relationship work. But everyone will give within their possibilities.

Well, I am different from Kamchatka's girlfriend in that I like to cuddle with a girlfriend when I have one, so I can't speak to that directly. The biggest single symptom of my Asperger's is that I'm really really bad at reading body language. So, since I realized I have Asperger's, these are the rules I give potential girlfriends before our first date. Maybe you (Kamchatka) can modify them to be useful in your situation, or since you say "she's mostly about words" they may apply to her, too.

1. I'm really bad at reading body language. So, body language doesn't count as communicating with me. Only verbally talking to me counts as communicating with me.

1a. Suppose she's showing some really blatant body language, and she's convinced I must be deliberately ignoring it because noone could possibly not understand that body language. She should ask me about it verbally anyway.

1b. If I'm not looking her in the eyes, that's just normal for Asperger's people. (This is related to the part about being really bad at reading body language.) She should remind me gently that she'd like me to look in her eyes.

2. I'm really bad at getting "hints". If she hints at something, it doesn't count. She has to explicitly say things verbally for it to count.

2a. That really obvious hint she gave me that I'm not reacting to? At most, I'm puzzled by it and trying to figure out what she meant, but more likely it went completely over my head. Talk to me verbally.

2b. Asking me an open-ended question, when she really wants to find out something specific, counts as hinting (even though it's verbal communication.)

3. For my part, I promise not to get insulted or offended if she verbally asks me something or tells me something which would be completely obvious to the most obtuse NT.

4. As a consequence of this, I think a relationship between an NT woman and myself could work out, but only if we were both aware that our verbal communication would have to carry much of the weight that non-verbal communication would carry in a normal relationship. The potential girlfriend should be OK with this.

I apologize if this is all totally irrelevant to your situation.

Are you (Kamchatka) and your girlfriend OK with saying "I love you" to each other? Because if you are, that's a start (better than nothing). Then you can have a conversation with her and tell her that you like it when she touches you, and it's a nice bonus if she touches you when she says "I love you" (but it's perfectly OK if she doesn't).

You mentioned that you don't pick up on the way she shows that she cares about you? If you want to talk about it, how is it that she shows it?