Father's Day?

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Today I bought my dad a Father's Day card and now having doubts about sending it. My dad and I have never been close - he was what most folks referred to as a deadbeat dad. He paid child support but had to be garnished to do so. I did not see him at all between the ages of 9 and 15, his choice. I'm now 40 with kids of my own, he and I still do not have a great relationship. We've been estranged since Christmas of 2009 due to some things that were said at a family get-together. Well over a year ago I apologized for my part in the conversation and he seemingly did not accept my apology. Our communication has been very minimal since that Christmas and now it has been several months with zero communication. Knowing the way he is and the length of time with no communication, I know he is still angry with me. He is capable of holding grudges for decades over what others might see as minor slights. I don't miss him nor feel particularly bothered by not hearing from him - I feel like a person, me, can't miss what they never really had anyway.

However, for many years we have done all the niceties and recognized birthdays and other holidays; Father's Day, for one. If he stopped recognizing these type of things I
would probably be a little bothered, but not much and not for long. Since it's apparent he
is more interested in holding a grudge and refusing to communicate, is there any point in continuing to send cards, etc? If I stopped would it make me look petty and/or vindictive? I'm not trying to be either one, it's more that I no longer see the point in keeping up the habit if he doesn't want to move forward. In fact, I found out about 6 months ago he moved (same city, new house) and never bothered to send me his new address. I send all mail to his brother's house anyway....but still seems odd. We haven't talked on the phone in over 10 years.....we both hate phone communication. He's also difficult to get along with and purposely tries to be an a** to most people. I get tired of him pretty easily and it's apparent he isn't my biggest fan either.

For the record, the thing I said to him that Christmas wasn't terrible, just really bad timing.
We were both pretty intoxicated and I regret going in the first place. I've apologized and don't get a response. Generally speaking, is there any point to maintaining the niceties when neither party is very interested? He's my dad, not just some random person, but I feel like I'm being treated poorly so why bother?

IMHO you are your own person now. You're 40 years old, you have your own family, and they are your priority now. Your father has made his choice and you have to accept it. I haven't seen my own father for more than 20 years and I have no desire to. You can't force people to have a relationship if they don't want to. Focus on your own family. They're what's important.

You can't lose either way, can you? You don't owe him anything, yet there's no harm in being polite.
It sounds like he isn't even worth the price of the card, but since you bought it anyway ... meh.

I lost my dad when I was in my early 20's almost 30 years before I found out I had AS.
I have a 30+ year old son that I lost contact with because he disappeared, it took me 3 years to find him and I was so glad I did.
Then he announced he was getting married and I was thrilled until he told me he didn't want me there.

I would give anything to get a father's day card from him but I now know he blames me for troubles he created in his life himself.
It's easy to blame your parents, but as a parent it hurts so much when your own children don't care about you any more...send the card.

Father's Day is a sad day for many aspie guys because being a father is one of the biggest things that sets apart neurologically helathy people to neuro-atypical people.

Most aspie guys don't have kids and never will... but to those who have, I commend you and give you a big friendly pat on the back. Be a great Father and do it for the rest of us too! well done!!

Fred, a slightly different topic, but are you quite sure that this is why he cut contact?

I ask because I know that my own father (fairly severe AS, undiagnosed) believes this about me. I don't know whether it's because he genuinely can't see the problems that he creates and the responsibilities he drops, or whether it's because he can't bear to think of himself as someone who causes problems and drops responsibilities. Either way...well, it's a shame. But either he's completely out of touch -- often for months -- or he suddenly drops into your life and demands levels of attention that are impossible to accommodate or (in my daughter's case) totally inappropriate. He throws tantrums and is apparently incapable of understanding that other people have lives different from his own. He also totally abandoned us in a time of serious need, and that's on top of his ordinary neglect. He hasn't got a mean bone in his body, but I don't have the bandwidth to handle the chaos he creates, and he's really hurt my daughter by showing intense interest in her and then dropping her stone cold. (Me, too. I'm just more used to it, which I shouldn't be.) He's also abusive to his wife in a manner I'm sure many here would call "meltdown, harmless because no harm is intended", but I can tell you that from the outside, it reads and feels just like spousal abuse. It's why she separated from him.

Long ago he asked me whether I knew why my brother had cut off contact with him. I didn't, but it wasn't hard to figure it out. My father had shown almost no interest in my brother's son, and hadn't stopped and thought that when your son's wife has a baby very premature, with lots of medical problems, and your son is self-employed and struggling, and you're retired and well-off, you step in to see what you can do for them, both emotionally and financially. You don't just ignore the situation. I get that my dad can tolerate very minimal contact with his children and grandchildren, and that he has problems with emotional self-regulation, and that our realities just...don't penetrate, for him, and that he feels none of the usual social obligations surrounding fatherhood. It's a really sad situation. But it's also hurtful and chaotic for us to be around. That's why I made the decision to cut contact a year or so ago, myself. He called up essentially demanding I host him because he loves us. Well, not only is he an emotional roller coaster to be around, and not only is he famous for making plans and cancelling at the last minute, but I'm a single mom who works three times as hard as he ever did in his life, and I don't have time or money to play hostess to him on demand, I'm not a housewife. So no, I wasn't going to knock myself out harder to clear time for a likely-unpleasant visit he was likely to cancel anyway. He took this as the Final Rejection and I let it be that.

I did tell him extremely directly what the problems were, several years ago, in an attempt at fixing them - he interpreted it as a vicious attack and proof that I hated him. And I tolerated his attacks on me after that in his effort to "get his own back", and tried to teach him how to be a steady, appropriate sort of...well, grandfather, I guess. Failed. There's nothing more I can do.

Things like this may have nothing to do with why your son cut contact, but things are rarely as simple as "he blames me for his own problems." My AS ex-bf blames his dad pretty hard, too -- and while he does indeed create many of his own problems, his dad is legit nuts and I can see how yes, he does generate a lot of the trouble. It's worth finding out.

I have to say, this is the most painful part of my relationship with my mom. She evidences zero interest in my children, except in so far as they can be props in some drama about her. It pisses me off to an extreme degree.

I will go to any length to avoid being like that.

Same here. My father does not care at all about my daughter (although he cares excessively for my brother's daughters), told me from the start that when he comes to visit (it happens about every 3 years) it is for me, not my kid. He also declared on this father's day that I am not Aspie, that it is just my temper and I must get over it. Said it all my life...