When did you realize you were different?

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And how long did it take to find out that that difference was something on the Spectrum?

I have known all my life that I can remember always feeling like I was living a lie, but I couldn't describe how or why. I was a living a phony NT life, while dealing with Aspie issues. I didn't even know what Aspergers was. I could never understand why I didn't get things others did, or how they didn't get things I did. I faked social skills for a long time and did real well, but underneath, I was so freaking confused. I never could figure out what the problem was. I finally saw a presentation on Autism and watched The Social Network, and saw a lot of myself. I got the diagnosis a few weeks later.

What's your story?

Well, it's a long story, but since you asked, it's monologue time.

My mom once told me that when I was a toddler, I would not talk to people I didn't know. I guess she didn't think much of it, but this is the earliest sign of my... strangeness. Oh, and also, I would invert my pronouns, so that I would say "you want I to give you a yogurt" when I actually meant "I want you to give me a yogurt." My NT sister never did that.

In the second grade, when I was about 7 or 8 years old, it started to become obvious that I was different. At that point in my life, I had only one friend; I tried to make friends with lots of people but I just couldn't. There was only one person who I actually managed to get together with, and even then, it wasn't very often. My teacher saw me as a genius; I was tested at about 3 grade levels above where I was supposed to be. My parents thought my social difficulties were just due to my giftedness, although as I grew older it became obvious that it wasn't the case.

Shortly after that, my mom started to pick up on my social difficulties. When she would ask me questions, she just thought I was being stubborn and shy when I would not know how to answer them. (after finding out about AS, she has apologized for giving me crap about this).

In my later years of primary school, I maintained a low friend count and kept my status as an intelligent student. But, the few friends I did have I was very close to. They tolerated my weird obsessions and stuff like that, at least until secondary school. Still, this was by far the most "normal" time in my life.

Once I moved on to the seventh grade at junior high, I felt as if I had hit a brick wall. I lost all my friends, and failed to make new ones. From the ages of around 12 to 16, life was hell for me. I realized how stupid people were, and developed a narcissistic hatred for society. I became almost entirely asocial. It was at this point in my life when I realized that I never was, and never will be normal. Also, in addition to that, I was forced to become much more self aware. I started noticing that I have extremely weird facial expressions, which is the typical aspie blank stare. As a result of knowing this, I developed my aversion to eye contact.

And then I found out about AS. It was very much of a "Luke, I am your father" moment for me. Things are definitely starting to improve now.

I don't know when exactly, but probably when I first started school, which I think may be true for many people since you're suddenly surrounded by all these other kids who are around your age but can be so different. As a kid I knew I was a little different mostly because I was really good at drawing and I could read and write very well for my age. But I had what was almost a phobia of doing math! Phys. Ed class was also rough. I had a really hard time keeping up with the other kids and doing what they naturally seemed to know to do, like skip rope, play hopscotch, or even catch a ball. I remember being excused from class when I was really young and having to do all that stuff in front of this lady who tested me or something. But it was when I became a teenager that I really knew I was different and the other kids did too, and made me miserable because of it. For years I asked my mother why I was so different, and of course she didn't know the answer any more than I did. I wasn't diagnosed with ASD until I was an adult in 2001 during what was the darkest time of my entire life. Getting that diagnosis and learning about it probably saved my life, literally.

I started to notice I was different around age 14/15 I started to line things up more regularly and had very precise ways of doing it. I also started to love routine, ALOT more than I used to. I got a bit lost without it, really. They tried to diagnose me when I lived in Amsterdam, (I'm living in Glasgow now) but they said they couldn't get a conclusive result. So after Mum having looked it all up I started to notice I met most of, but not all, of the criteria. And that's when I first realised. I'm 17 now, and I got diagnosed yesterday officialy. It feels a bit weird, I've not fully got my head round it yet, even though I was expecting it. Anyway, that's my story..

I realized I was different the first day of kindergarten. I remember wanting to play on the monkey bars like the other kids, but not understanding that I could just walk over there and start playing. Instead of playing with the other kids, I found an oak tree and walked in circles, around and around the oak tree, making sure to step root to root. I did this at recess every day of kindergarten. I moved to a new school in 1st grade, and almost panicked when I couldn't find a replacement oak tree - until I found a flagpole to walk circles around - and later that year discovered jump rope, spending every recess thereafter jumping rope by myself.

Here are a couple more examples of realizing early on that I was different:

I realized in 4th grade that I felt more comfortable with adults than I did with children. I spent each recess sitting next to and talking to my teacher. It was as if I was on the other side of a huge glass wall, separating me from the other children. I can still remember what this wall looked like in my mind, and feeling I could have reached out and touched it if I had wanted to.

Apparently, I did not speak much in school outside of answering teachers' questions in class. In 7th grade, a boy who I didn't know, but had seen in the hallways, stopped me and asked, "Do you talk?". I said, "Yes". I didn't know what else to say and walked away.

I haven't been evaluated and diagnosed yet, but I've realized in the past year that it fits and makes a lot of sense. My nephew, who will enter kindergarten this year, is very much the way I was as a child, and was recently diagnosed as being on the spectrum.

I was probably junior high 13-14. I just started noticing that I never really felt like I was a part of any of the cliques at school-I had people I got along with, but had no interest in parties, n never had friends I saw after school except in structured settings like sports teams. I think I first realized people saw me differently than I saw myself in high school, when I started to hear people say "I thought you were aloof and you thought you were better than everyone else-until I got to know you". I new the picture I presented to people wasn't the real me, but had no clue what to do about it other than try and be more friendly in my own way.
I did well in school and excelled in soccer and martial arts and could pick up musical instruments for the first time and be playing decently within a week-but was really confused when someone once asked me about this and then told me I was bragging about myself when I answered their questions, when all I did was answer honestly. I'm no genius/savant, but I am smart and picked up things quickly. I just refused to pretend I was stupid just to make other people feel better. It was a terribly confusing time for me.
Fortunately in college I joined a bible study group (I've been raised Anglican n went to a catholic university) and the 2 20something young adults who led it took me under their wing and went to great lengths to help me learn some social skills that they saw I was lacking. Thank God for them because they didn't have to help me, and I didn't even know until now how much work it must have been for them and all the trouble they went to to encourage me to learn how to "hang out" with my peers and socialize outside the classroom and off the soccer field.
Now I know why, and although it didn't change who I am, it changed how I think about myself. I'm not a misfit, I'm just different and always will be, but that's ok.
I finally got diagnosed just a couple of days ago, and it made many things I did and said
And did, and the way I think about things make more sense. I think I've finally realized different isn't necessarily a negative, it's just a fact, and I don't have to let it make me unhappy.

I've always known that I was different and didn't know why. My son was diagnosed in Jan. and watching his struggles led me to remember my same struggles, so I started researching and here I am. I don't have anything but a self-diagnosis yet, though.

Well I realized I was diffrent in about 1st grade. Kindergarden was fine because noone is really, well, normal. I was just diagnosed with asperger's about 3 months ago, when I was fifteen. Its was not very fun, being treated like a normal kid when I was quite obiously not. Not very fun at all.

I knew I was different when those who hated me told me, I accepted it and ran with it when those who liked and loved me told me, and I finally got my diagnosis a few decades later.

I realized I was different in kindergarten. Before that, I had been a happy child and had the unique ability to spellbind other children by telling them stories. When I went to Kindergarten, I discovered this was not acceptable behavior.

I really can't remember much about kindergarten except that I never really had a friend and most of the time I was completely miserable. In elementary school things got even worse, with the bullies and the teasing and the mass rejection from just about everyone. I had one friend, a girl who was completely different from me, but I clung to her just because she was the only person who wanted to be around me. I lived in my own little world, my imagination my only escape from daily torture from my classmates and my second grade teacher, who hated me. She told the whole class I was mentally ret*d. Truth was that I was the brightest child in the class, according to my test scores.

Once I got away from elementary school I started meeting people who didn't despise me right off. None of them were very close friends, but they were friendly acquaintances. In junior high I did even better, actually being allowed to hang out with my friends at lunch for a while. I was in Beta Club, took all Honors classes, and thought that life was pretty good. I was also one of the top students in accelerated math because I loved the subject so much I finished the book way before the rest of the class.

Then, in tenth grade, in High School, things fell apart. My friends distanced themselves from me, starting first day. I went home and begged my parents not to make me go back. I became bulimic, even though I was already thin. I didn't get bullied; people in my classes felt themselves too mature for that, but I wasn't really accepted either. I would go to school only because I had to. I realized that I didn't know "how to act" or fit in. The fact that people generally considered me pretty and nice--and I hadn't had any close friends to suddenly drop me and start saying nasty things about me-- shielded me from a lot of nastiness.

Then, when I went to college, I got the full brunt of it. It was exasperating; the behaviors that had worked in HS no longer applied. People got mad at me for seemingly no reason. If I was nice they'd walk all over me; if I wasn't they'd bear down on me. I had major sleep problems--I couldn't sleep at all for days in a row because of light and noise--and I became anything but polite and suffered for it. It got to the point that when anybody saw me trying to wind down and relax they'd start bullying me. This was at university; you'd imagine people would be more mature.

I suffered from years of depression and took longer than normal to finish college. During a good quarter I'd make Dean's List; during a bad one I'djust stop going to class and fail everything. I managed to get good enough grades to go to Grad School, where I had another breakdown. Even though I did very well in all my classes grade-wise, professors refused to recommend me because I didn't "try to get to know people."

During this time, I was given a diagnosis of ADD, but Ritalin just made everything worse.

After grad school I worked in bookstores and then landed a job as a reference librarian for a while, but I became so agitated that I couldn't function and was let go.

It wasn't until I got married and had my twins that anyone realized I might have Aspergers. My boys have classical Autism, and that was the reason I was tested. I'm on medication and in therapy and it's beginning to work.

Deep down I always knew I was different, but I never thought twice about it because I'm exceptionally good at one thing: copying. Whether it's behavior, expressions, movements, speech, writing, or whatever, I can emulate it. Nobody ever suspected I might have an affliction because I managed to mask all of the symptoms and act like an NT. I thought my outward behavior defined who I am, not how I felt inside. I suppose you could say I was fooling myself all this time.

It's difficult to say when I knew I was different. I think a large part of that comes down to not having a strong sense of normality with which to contrast myself. I lived a fairly sheltered existence, which only gradually expanded beyond my village. I couldn't help but feel different once I went to private school, aged 11, since before long I had said something which got me labelled as "gay" for the rest of my time in the school (until 18). I'm not gay and at that time didn't really understand anything about sexuality anyway, but it was obvious I was supposed to be hurt by the label. It's only since I really considered Aspergers (and especially since I was diagnosed 9 months ago) that I could sort of understand what was probably going on - I was Aspergic, but I didn't know that and neither did anybody else. In lieu of an accurate explanation for my weirdness, other children reached for an "explanation" they could articulate.

One way or another though, I was starting to begin to realise that I was different. No, I wasn't gay - although I find it awful that if I had been, it would apparently have been legitimate to insult, humiliate and degrade me - but it was obvious that people (other students) generally thought there was something different about me and they mostly didn't like it. I had thought it was more to do with not coming from a wealthy family and being placed in a private school with a different "class" of people. To some extent this probably didn't help matters as it emphasised and exaggerated my differences, but looking back I had already been ostracised and bullied to a lesser extent in other situations.

Anyway, by the end of my seven years in the private school it was clear I didn't think along the same lines as most of my peers. I had two friends, one of who was more clearly Aspergic than I was and (as far as I know) remains undiagnosed.

I can't imagine a time when I didn't feel different.

Diagnosed May 2010.

I noticed i am different from first days that i remember myself as a child. age 5 or 6 or 7 or maybe 8. from the first when i sawed neighbor boys and my brother was playing games but i sit at home and just thank to different things. i always was disappointed about my diffrences and it made me always think bad. but no problem it is the same if i say im usual and others are different.