Asperger's and lack of empathy and ethics?

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I know that many Aspergers have trouble expressing feelings such as empathy, but do any of you feel as if you actually lack empathy? I find it hard to put myself in someone else's shoes and try and understand what sorrow they may be experiencing. There have been plenty of situations in my life where common etiquette would dictate that I empathize with someone, but I don't. I simply don't care about other people's problems and I don't expect them to care about mine.

I feel similar when it comes to certain situations where ethics come into play. Sometimes I do things (nothing too serious) which people would find morally questionable, but I am not bothered by it, i.e. their disapproval is not stopping me from doing those things. I know very well what's right and wrong so it's not like I don't know that I'm doing something that other people would perceive as wrong, it's just that, again, I don't care. It's not like I lack morals completely (I wouldn't commit serious felonies) it's just that I am very selective about them, and I feel like I can perfectly well decide for myself what rules and regulations I live by. I'm kind of an anarchist I suppose.

Your opinions would be appreciated.

I can feel empathy, but find it very difficult to know how to express it, and very difficult to word it or to comfort. However, when I feel empathy is dependent on the situation...unless someone is overtly showing distress, I find it difficult to empathise. I have to actually sit and intellectually put myself into someone's shoes in order to come to any understanding of how they might feel, and even then I often find I don't feel much. It does make me feel uncomfortable with myself, actually. If I hit disharmony with another person, I tend to only be able to recognise and understand my own feelings, and not those of the other person, and it often is not until after that I even find myself trying to consider the other person's feelings. That instinct simply does not seem to be there in me.

I find that my brain does not tune into emotional incomings, outgoings, whatevers. I don't even have much in the way of good or bad moods. I think that other people, including some with AS, have much more emotional stuff going on inside their minds that I do. Just because my brain does not respond much to everyday situations requiring feelings or expressions of empathy doesn't mean that I am less capable of genuine empathy when a more severe situation generates more of a response. I just don't sweat the small stuff. My feelings don't get hurt easily on behalf of myself or anyone else. I don't get super excited on behalf of myself or anyone else. It's just a different default setting for me.

I have to consciously work out whether empathy is required and how to express it. Some things I empathize with more easily than others, too.

Like, I don't even have an emotional reaction to hearing that someone is dead most of the time. It's not that I don't care or am okay with death, just... I don't really mourn.

If I define empathy as an ability to know how another is feeling without direct communication and sympathy as an ability to share anothers feelings. I have no empathy at all. I can be very sympathetic once I understand the situation that has influenced how somebody else is feelingcan (positive or negative). I have no difficulty with sympathy and putting myself in somebody's shoes.

If I am sympathysing with somebody who is highly emotional for some reason, I find it awkward to know how to react to them and how to express my sympathy.

I considder myself ethical and always endevour to do the right thing. I don't always get it right though. I always put myself in other people's shoes and consider how they might feel as a result of my actions. Or how I might feel if the tables were turned.

Most people wear a morality mask that would fall to the ground and shatter under certain circumstances. People with AS typically don't wear that mask, which is why so many NTs think we're sociopaths who lack empathy. Putting yourself in someone else's shoes is something that the vast majority of the population doesn't do, even though they're expected to pretend that they do. In that case, I don't think we're so different from NTs. We just don't BS ourselves and others.

Agreed! People (NTs) have admitted to me that they fake 90% of their expressions of empathy just to follow social conventions. Most of the time, they don't feel anything matching the expressions either. But they do seem to get hyperemotional at every little thing relating to themselves. I prefer to take a more rational road.

For instance, just me asking someone if they are faking or not is enough to get their hackles up. As if I am implying that they are a horrible person for faking. No, I am only asking for information. Once they realize that I am not judging them, they will readily admit to faking.

Last edited by btbnnyr on 22 Jun 2011, 7:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Empathy and sympathy is an alien concept for me and I think it will always be. I can pretend to feel sorry for someone else but in reality, it's just an act and I don't give a damb about that person. On the outside I can be all, "Oh that's such a pitty!" but in reality I'm like, "So? Do I care? How does this concern me?" I think most NT's are this way too and are just extra good at pretending to fake it.

I'm very different from the rest of you. If anything, I feel too much empathy and sympathy towards others.

I'm not really sure, empathy is a complex concept that many NT's don't even understand. But, although I sometimes appear to lack empathy and I'm not religious, I have no trouble differentiating between right and wrong. Even when I'm playing computer games I can hardly tolerate the thought of playing as the evil guy. When given the option to kill someone who doesn't even exist, I always chose to not to. I can't bring myself to be such an as*hole, but yet, ironically, apparently I'm rude to people every day.

I am not sure what empathy even is, and maybe that's the answer. I certainly can put myself in another person's shoes and understand their perspective. However, this is something I've learned to do, not something innate, which empathy supposedly is. I can usually tell if someone is in a good or bad mood, but it's very vague and often inaccurate. I sometimes overreact to other people's mood, reacting too strongly to a certain comment or reading more meaning into something than is actually there.

Ethics is another matter. I've always placed a high value on being ethical and doing the right thing. I've always tried to follow the Golden Rule. I think the biggest factor in making a person ethical is being taught to have respect for other people from a young age.

I try not to be rude, but I manage to do accidentally. I mean, I don't like hurting other people because I know what it's like - and things that I have experienced, I can sympathize with more easily.

But yeah, in video games, I really do not love playing the evil path. I always feel horribly guilty. Over pixels and polygons.

I can feel empathy in some situations more than others. I tend to feel empathy when a person is scared, sad or has a injury has a cut or puncture wound. I also empathize with anxiety quite well. However, in other situations like a person breaking a bone for example, I have a really hard time feeling empathy.

As with ethics, I am extremely ethical. I would play games that were rated "M" because of violence, if I was allowed to. (I somehow can't see my parents approving of an "M" game)

i feel empathy when someones pain is obvious.

Something else. I have a very strong emotional reaction to people or animals in pain or suffering, even if it's someone I've never seen before. I really don't like seeing people suffering or in pain. I'm very sad for the person and I get very angry at anyone that causes suffering. I hate going to the hospital for this reason, and I change the channel when those commercials with the animal shelter animals come on. Perhaps seeing it is what makes it real for me.

This, definitely this.