Do I confess my love for my best friend?

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Quite honestly, I do not know where to begin.

I used to live abroad in Europe and during my time there, I spent a lot of time on language exchanging websites so I could improve my German--through that I met my current "best" friend. My country was under his, but I told him I would visit which he was very excited about. But s**t happened and I had to leave earlier than I thought and return back to the States. I guess I left without telling him and he was so angry at me that he refused to speak to me. Years later he tells me he stopped talking to me because he was mad that I did not speak to him for two weeks and he did not know where I was, etc.

Moving on.

Last August he came to visit me--it was the first time that we've met face-to-face and I could recognize him immediately. The way we were online was exactly the way that we were in person which was great. When he left, I hugged him and actually cried--awww I think it's like you're so close to someone that you're going to miss their presence. I did not have romantic feelings for him since I thought of us as friends, but I do admit he is very attractive.

Afterwards, he started behaving strangely towards me. Like, I started dating a guy (he was dating another girl at the time) and he started ignoring anything that I said about my ex and started begging me to visit him for at least three weeks. I decided not to and he seemed a bit upset. And then the strange behavior continued. Him and his ex broke up and he started asking me if I would like to live with him during the summer, that he would pay for everything. I just had to pay for my plane ticket and food. I said OK, but once again I had to back out since I need to work and pay for this for college--he was upset again. Strange behavior continues and he eventually tells me he loves me, I laugh because I think he's joking!! ! I felt awful, because I did not know. After awhile he gets a new girlfriend (he's in Germany I'm in California) and he is still acting weird towards me, keeps asking me to marry him so he can live in the States and I keep saying no. Last time we actually had a real conversation, he asked me to marry him again on cam; saying he'll dump his gf and move here and I say OK. But IDK. I was angry at him after I noticed that I did love him and I was pretty damn jealous and I felt like I was being used... and I said something about me not liking him at all our of anger and we start resenting each other and we haven't really spoke in like two months since I was furious and deleted him off my FB until recently.

We start talking again and he tells me he is coming back to States in NYC and I should come and how he might show up in California and I think I kinda lose it because I haven't spoken to him in so long that I'm kind of angry and I "calmly" (as calm as can be...) tell him I was hurt that he never bothered to talk to me and he says he was busy, etc. I questioned him on why he wants to live in the States and he gave me some pretty dumb reasons. He said the dollar is currently cheaper than the euro and he knows nice people in California (me and my family...).

I don't know. Our relationship/friendship seems very odd now. I have no idea what's going on, I'm confused with the situation and he is obviously a bit mad at me. I don't know what to do. Should I just be 100% honest with him instead of being so defensive?

Yep, absolutely.

Is there any reason why not?!

Quite frankly, I'm terrified. Even though he said he'll dump his GF, IDK. It all feels so uncertain I think. He's very nice and understanding of me, so I guess I owe it to him to try. I just don't know where to start.

Why would you want to hide feelings like that?? Are you worried it makes you seem vulnerable? Friends are supposed to be people with whom you can let your guard down and BE vulnerable and honest.

Yes, that is the reason why. Well, I messaged him on FB that I needed to speak to him 'cause it was important and I have no idea where he is. A second later he's on. I guess I have to try now D:!

This might be just my personal philosophy, but I reckon if something's "meant to be" ie it's gonna work, then it'll work. Have faith.

I'd start by expressing the fact that you're confused. I mean, if they guy's been your best friend for a while, then it sounds like you both have open channels of communication. So start by going 'Hey. I'm really confused about what's been going on.' Then once that's out the way you can sort out
how you feel about each other. If you have a good relationship, why not be together?

I'm a romantic, ultimately, but when I read your intial post it just sounded like there was confusion because of the distance. Having said that, paying attention to your feelings and intuitions is important. If you believe in the relationship then you ought to be able to be honest and loving. But, you may not know what's going on until you actually meet face to face and see how it pans out. See if he's for real. Well, I would !

I did with my friend. It didn't go down too well. She is not communicating with me at the moment. I hope we can salvage the friendship at least, even if there is no relationship. So all I'm saying to you is tread with caution. I imagine a friendship turning into a relationship could be a wonderful thing (I wouldn't know, I've never had a girlfriend), and I believe you should be close friends first before anything else happens, but all I'm saying to you is to tread with caution. Confessing your undying love for a friend is a tough one.

I've lost a few lady friends from trying to flirt also. In paperoceans' case, he declared his feelings of love for her first, so I think it's unlikely that he would distance himself in reaction to paperoceans' expression of love for him.

If you have romantic feelings for him, then tell him. But it would not be a good idea to do so because you feel that you owe him. So perhaps it's better to sort out your own feelings first to be sure it is romantic feeling you have, instead of feeling obligation.

Odd Finn, I agree that paperoceans ought not do anything because she feels like she owes. but I don't think the romantic feelings are confused, I think it's the situation

confessions are an admission of "guilt".

I dunno, if a friend said that to me, I'd think he was joking, especially the 'so I can live in the states' business. My boyfriend and I joke about that a bit; he could get a green card if he married me, but we wouldn't dream of really doing it for that reason! The 'dump the girlfriend' thing also sounds like the sort of casual flirting that some guys do.


Just wondering, why do you feel used?

In all honesty, from what you've written it sounds like he's a flirty guy, but I don't think he sees this as going anywhere. He may be open to the idea of a relationship, but if you're angry at him now, that won't go away just because you're dating so think long and hard about whether you really want to take this any further or if you might prefer being 'the one that got away' instead!



He doesn't sound mad at you, he just sounds like he's moved nearby and just wants to catch up if you're around. Some people are like that with friends; very casual, very happy-go-lucky. I would say that if anyone comes across as angry it's yourself, which is understandable because you are more emotionally involved in the 'friendship' than he is.

Basically, meet up with him if you feel you can meet up as friends, but if you think you'll walk away feeling hurt, then it might be best to plan something else on the day instead. Pour your heart out to him if you like, but don't get your hopes up, even if he does say yes.

Sometimes people feel guilty for falling in love. I know I do.

Germans are not the joking type, he was quite serious and keeps asking me. I talked to him about it before and he said he was serious. Also, Germans do not say they love you to a friend--the culture is very different which I am quite aware of. They usually say what they mean and he really does want to live here. I had to stop thinking like an American and realize that he was being serious.


I feel used because I'm being asked to help him for a greencard. But then I shouldn't feel that way because I asked him first so I could live in Europe again, which he agreed to. I just kind of changed my mind and I think he never did. I am very fickle and change my mind a lot.

He's not that flirty I think. Our friendship is usually strictly platonic besides sometimes he slips up and says something weird. He is pretty loyal to whoever he is dating and I've never seen him flirt with anyone. Even when he lived with me for a week. He's the typical German: reserved and a bit hard to become friends with because of their coldness. We were around a bunch of attractive women when he was with me, and he never spoke to any of them, mentioned them, or looked at them. Which I thought was very weird for a guy. I'm more angry at him because I feel like our relationship, whatever it is has changed and I prefer things to remain the same most of the time.



Germans aren't casual and very happy-go-lucky, LOL! The only reason he'll be over here is to visit San Francisco and because he keeps bugging me to visit him and gets angry when I don't. He once slipped up a bit sadly that I'm never going to visit him, kind of calling me a liar, but he's probably right. I actually think he is more involved in the friendship since he gets mad at me when I back out of visiting him and won't call him, and says I'm mean to him? He keeps saying I'm mean to him and I have no idea what he is talking about. I did start to get irritated with him though since it felt like he was acting that he owned me, and then he said from his own mouth when I was supposed to live with him, that I should probably not wander around the city by myself and I should only do it with him. Which I thought was pretty possessive and odd. I was like "you don't own me" and he tells me he does @_@ It's so frustrating since he thinks I belong to him and sometimes says weird things to me. Like how our children would have very curly hair since we both do and some other things. It catches me off guard so I try not to dwell on the topic. Quite frankly, it was so random that I was a bit freaked out.

So I was right. He acts like I belong to him, so he gets angry at me if I ever have a bf or if I like someone/go on a date. It's so annoying! I do care and love him, but he lives alllll the way over there and I'm not moving!

Anyway, I did speak to him and didn't bother to tell him anything. Although, everytime I try to tell him he begs me to tell him whatever it is that I want to say but I always tell him something boring and unrelated. I'm too fearful. I did ask again about the greencard thing because I refuse to marry someone for a dumb reason--which I told him. I said they were all DUMB reasons and he just told me we will discuss the topic in the future~

While I'm sure he likes you.. I'd most definitely be cautious. For safety reasons, I would highly caution against him moving to California and living with you right away simply because if you don't get married or date for a long time, there is a great chance he will resent you and see it as "I moved all the way here for you and it was a waste of my time." I know that sounds weird, but from experience, that could happen.
Also, while jealousy is a good indicator that he likes you... it's also a kind of dangerous one. If he really didn't want you to be dating other people, he would tell you "I don't want you to date other people and to wait for me" and he would do the same. However, he is still dating other people. From my experience, lines like that have lead to emotionally abusive relationships - this doesn't mean he's not a wonderful guy, just be careful.
Also from experience... if someone is willing to leave their significant other for you, they'll probably do it to you. Similar to the "if he was cheating on her with you, he'll cheat on you with her" circle.
I think that it's best to learn how to deal with anger and frustration towards each other through talking it through - when face to face, it's a lot harder to ignore someone for weeks without having really awkward consequences.
I know I sound very pessimistic - I'm not, I really believe that long distance can work with certain people and if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. However, I'm also a believe in reality and that people's actions mean far more than simply their words. In the end, I'd say that you two need to have a long talk over the phone preferably or skype, and really get everything off your chests and set some boundaries. If you want to be with him and he wants to be with you, it's important to explain that. I've done long distance with a guy in the army though, and it's very difficult. He ended up getting paranoid when I'd go out with friends, and would constantly text me to make sure I wasn't talking to any guys - the "what if" can sometimes spin out of control.

I agree with you! That's why I'm leaning towards no. I would much rather just date than jump into anything. I like to know what I'm getting myself into. I have no problem living with him in the summer, but I'm not going to move over there and I keep discouraging him trying to come over here. He needs to finish college and I have other priorities. It can truly wait I think.

He has only said it about that girlfriend though. He broke up with his other girlfriend and started dating her a week or two later--she is honestly like a rebound and he NEVER talks about her and rarely mentions her. It's weird because he is usually much more expressive, especially with his last girlfriends. I think he would still rather be with the other ex in Finland, since he seems so passive about the current one. It's so weird and I told him I think he's doing it as a rebound and he didn't say anything. It's like I have to beat him with a bat to even talk about her; I think he's afraid of being a lone and much rather be with someone than with no one at all, which I did tell him and he tried to brush it off. I know I am right though.

I definitely will never do the long-distance thing though. I just cannot. It either is or isn't for me. I have a very black and white way of thinking when it comes to romantic stuff.

All of these reasons and the possibility that he does this with other people even though I've known him for years, is why I've said no.