please read this rant

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I just typed the following rant a few minutes ago. The reason i'm ranting is because I just lost my job today and i'm incredibly stressed. But, if fact, this is about Asperger's so i'm guessing it doesn't belong in the work forum. A little thing about this rant--its like mental diarrhea, very raw and unfiltered. Usually, when i'm trying to function in the real world, I have to consciously edit whatever it is I'm thinking in order for it to make more sense to NT's (mostly having to do with rhythm and grammar). Not so in this case, be warned, may not be suitable for all children. Well, here it is:
javascript:emoticon(':lol:')

"Having asperger’s syndrome is like driving on a dark night without headlights. There is an unending anxiety that no matter what I do, I can’t shake. Life becomes so much more complicated than living. It becomes a problem that has no solution, and that is distressing.

I wish for a moment to feel what a normal person feels and to think like how a normal person thinks. However, my biology prevents me from ever doing so. I can’t find purpose in life. There are no guideposts for me because the destination of life is a mystery. I don’t know what I’m suppose to be feeling at a particular time. Sometimes I can pretend to feel a certain way, but then I get so f*****g tired concentrating that I have to everntually stop. It takes so much energy for me to make my words have meaning. I don’t know what to do anymore as I’m so tired of thinking like this.

It is a horrible curse. I really would prefer just to think normally and develop normally. And what gets me the most is that I have absolutely no control over this. I had no choice. I used to think that there have always been free-will but now I don’t know. If free will exists, why didn’t I have a choice whether to have this problem?

Why is the world the way it is? Why are people so dumb all the time and talk about stupid s**t all the time. Can’t they just stop and think about other people for a change? I would. But I get punished for it. This is not the way the world should work. And it’s not fair that those people who try to change it are always the first casualties.

The more I think about the world, the less the world makes any sort of sense. There really is not a lot of structure, its all so dynamic and amorphous. I can’t place where I’m suppose to fit in the equation. I don’t know what think anymore. It’s just so tiring. I’m so tired and exhausted from thinking this way all the time. It’s as if I have no “off” switch in thinking. The gears are always turning, but not always in the right direction.

To put it simply, I am lost, confused, and bewildered by everything and everyone, like a newborn babe."

Okay the rant's over. I feel like I just finished burping though

Krex waves burp smell away.....

I wish at times I was less vissual....filtering diaria is not going to leave my mind for awhile...thanks alot...lol

I am sorry you lost your job....did you like it?are you stressed for money now?Was it for a "legit" reason or due to AS?

I cant give you any answers to the meaning of life or where you fit in(other then here).I decided to be a an " Existentialist Buddhist Carnivore rock collector with a fetish for fur"your going to have to find your own meaning(or do what I did and just make ones up as you go along)...You WANT to be Normal....Normal got Bush elected....Normal has its own cross to bare(and I have the nails)...


Maybe you lost your job because life has something more interesting in store for you...?

[quote] Maybe you lost your job because life has something more interesting in store for you...? [/qupte]

I agree with this sentiment, usually when one door closes another one opens. Sometimes it's better.

I an defientely relate to how you are feeling your post. I defientely feel like I don't belong anywhere, I am so differnt, but I guess we make the world a more interesting place.

No need to blame aspergers for your job loss, it happens to the best of us, you just need to let go and move onto greener pastures.

anyways brah i know exactly how you feel, when i lost job because i couldn't do it i thought i was pretty much dumb and went into a deep depression. talk therapy works well and worked for me. (i didn't go to a professional, i was my best doctor)

bummer about the job hope you get work soon

*HUG* who cares? they sucked. you HATED them.

I stumbled to a place where my aspergers fit right in...
when I lose that job my life will suck.

I hope you stumble in to a place where your aspergers fits right in.....

I am so sorry about the loss of your job.

As the mother of two Aspie guys, I totally understand your feelings of having to try and make sense to neurotypical people, and how exhausting that is. And then, WHY should you have to make sense to NT's? It seems ridiculous that you should have to at all. You're absolutely right, the world doesnt make sense, there is no structure, and why should you bother trying to communicate with people who are always talking about stupid stuff anyway.

Eventually you need to get to the point where you play the NT game, but you're still not part of their club because you don't want or need to be. Asperger's people see things differently than NT's, and it's usually just flat out a BETTER, SMARTER, more FOCUSED viewpoint. NT's let stupid stuff get in the way of whats important. When you find an employer, friends, and potential mate who just GET the Aspie outlook, and there are people out there who honestly appreciate that outlook, life will be good.

Before I realized that my kids leaned the Aspie way, I used to say to myself -- "I feel sorry for other parents -- their children just aren't as interesting as mine." Now, I knew other people have nice, interesting kids, I just enjoyed saying this. But I really mean it. Yeah, my kids sometimes have a hard time fitting in, but they are really nice, interesting kids who just come at life from a totally different perspective. It's unique. It doesn't hurt anyone. And the world would be totally boring without them. I now look at "normal" kids and think ". . . how dull." Snore.

Let yourself mourn the loss of this job. But you will find another one, and potentially it could be the type of employer that appreciates your qualities. I will be pulling for you.

I would never give up being an Aspie. Without aspies, the world would be far worse off than it is today. Anyone remember Einstein, Jefferson, or Newton? However, I admit that I am curious about NTs, and I often wish I could be NT just for one day, just to know what it's like. Oh well, they'll never know what it's like to be an Aspie either.

Liquid Matrix,


So I wonder (and pray) that you too will by process of elimination (or whatever) discover the facts of what makes YOU thrive and then locate the appropriate career bubble so that you can stop being the victim of the hardship and start working toward the goal of you in a place where you THRIVE.

I lost that fab job btw, right after I wrote that I had one. And then found myself back at the icky dusty warehouse with the buzzing people and the gall derned painful flourescents.

But because my last counseling session invoved the directive to focus or just 'think about' broader career bubbles (to which to no end I felt I could accomplish with all the unknown factors) something over time and with this sad experience was revealed:

I THRIVE in natural light.
I THRIVE near the ocean.
I THRIVE performing mechanical tasks in natural light near or on the ocean.
I THRIVE near metal and wood.
And I DIG the many nooks and crannies of ships.


For me: it's going to look something like: big bubble: OCEAN.
little bubble: join the naval military, or environmental ocean groups

--but as what and how...still working on it. To achieve my place in a place where I can function--ie OCEAN

Secondary is perhaps forklift certification so at least I can be paid more than minimum while I work towards this goal with the benifit of a 'one man' position.

This is just an example.
Its a hard task.


(*sheplinheimer: you are the voice of my ideal parent)

It's not bad. I am blessed.

I hope things are going well for you!