Hello everyone!New here. Thinking I may have Asperger's

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Hello to everyone here. My name is Melissa, I'm in my mid 20's, and I finally, after studying this forum for a little while, joined to speak with others who definitely share the same struggles as I do. This is a much easier introduction then it ever was in school, let me tell you. I've never been diagnosed with Asperger's. I've been to therapy in spurts for some of these issues among other reasons, but I've only just started doing serious research on Asperger's in the past few months, mainly because I had never heard of it before then.

I found Asperger's through my writing. I write all the time - it's my number one passion, and I write almost every day. When I don't, I start to feel incredibly uncomfortable in my own skin, like the stories are building up in my head and have no outlet unless I get those fingers typing. I write fiction, and I was doing research for a character I've been developing for awhile. Some of her characteristics are similar to mine (which can't be helped; you write what you know, I think a little bit of every author ends up bleeding into their characters) and it somehow led me to researching autism. I found Asperger's.

It's hard to describe how reading the symptoms of Asperger's Syndrome made me feel. Not only did it describe the character, it described me. I felt like I was on the edge of discovering something huge about myself. I poured over information about Asperger's, I've bought books, researched it online, and then I found this website, and it's...painful, but in a good way. I feel validated somehow. I've struggled with feeling so far behind from everyone else - it always seems like I'm a few steps behind the people around me, like I'm catching on much too late in the game. Occasionally it makes me feel stupid, and I get rather defensive about my intelligence when I get questioned about my lack of understanding in either social situations or a conversation. I know I'm not stupid, I just have an extremely difficult time expressing myself verbally. It's all in my head, but forming the words to express it is *so hard* This is why I love the internet to death - I'm so much more comfortable expressing myself this way then I'll ever be vocally.

A lot of other symptoms resonated with me, like for speech - I get the oddest looks over my choice of words. Since I write, I have a fairly extensive vocabulary, and I tend to use those words when I talk. I kind of talk the way I write, but luckily the people who know me find it quirky and amusing over annoying. I've never made friends easily, and as far as dating goes - never dated. I actively stayed away from guys throughout school because talking to them terrified me. I never know when someone's flirting with me - I can never pick up on any signals that someone's interested in me, it just goes right over my head. I get so focused on whatever I'm doing that I miss everything going on around me - someone I know could be standing literally five feet from me, and if I'm not looking directly at them, I don't notice them at all.

The hardest thing to deal with, though, the thing that's held me back and frustrated me to no end, is working past the fear and anxiety when it comes to other people. It's almost crippling, and sometimes I just shut down because I can't even deal with it. I hate not knowing what to say to people, when I work or when I'm out and about - I hate not being able to express myself properly, because it leads to a lot of people thinking I'm boring or rude. I've been fortunate enough to have a few very close friends, but almost all of them will admit they thought I was a complete snob when they first met me. I also have a hard time standing up for myself, because I hate confrontation, and I hate being upset. I read an article about people on the autism spectrum not necessarily lacking empathy, but having too much of it, and it felt so true. I get upset for people, embarrassed for them, and hurt for them easily - even when it's just a movie - but I'm never good at outwardly expressing it or knowing what to say when faced with it.

So being here...is really good. Reading other people's stories on here hits home pretty hard, and sort of makes me want to cry - but in a good way. I feel so much less alone. So thanks for this. One day I'll get the courage to see someone about it, talk about it face to face, but in the meantime I feel like this is going to help.

Welcome to WP, Melissa! You`ve come to the right place. And I had trouble with guys too. I never had a BF really yet.

Thanks, BillyIdolFan! Yeah, dating is this great mystery to me I don't think I'll ever understand. I actually have my first boyfriend as of a few weeks ago, and it's definitely...different. I'm still adjusting, and I know he's noticed I have trouble interacting in certain situations, especially around his friends, but he's been pretty cool about it thus far. I'm playing this by ear, so...*deep breath* We'll see.

Yeah people are trying to talk me into getting a boyfriend when I'm just not mentally ready for one! Playing it by ear is a good idea! Congradulations on hsving a BF!

Welcome to WP! ^_^

you sound like a very sensitive and caring person. i write horror books, too, by the way. i never had a more-than-a-one-night-stand, and there was one guy i actually had feelings for, didn't love him, but kind of liked being around, although i'm pretty sure if i met him on the street i wouldn't recognize him, and it lasted about two, three days. i put him out of my mind in a month or two.
i love my nieces and brother. oh, and my cat...
so i can understand where you're coming from saying you didn't date and the social anxiety - many people on this forum can relate too, myself included. would you believe i was twenty two and terrifed of going to mcdonald's to buy a hamburger? what if i did the wrong thing? what if i don't understand what people were saying to me?
you shouldn't think you're dumb (i used to think i was SUPER dumb, so you're not alone here). aspies are very intelligent. bill gates and albert einstein were aspies, too. all you have to do is see the look in their eyes in their pictures on the internet.
you talk the way you write? that's interesting and makes you special and makes you sound smart.
thank god you found this forum and that you know you're an aspie.

Felines, you're my new favorite person Thank you for your kind words and the warm welcome! (And you as well, Kinftw!) That's awesome that you write horror too. I don't know what it is about that genre I've always found so fascinating. It's more than just enjoying giving myself a good scare when it's in the safety of my own home or a theater - I guess I feel like you really learn the true nature of a character when you put them in the situations the horror genre calls for. And it's so diverse, horror encompasses so many subgenres. What type do you prefer to write?

I've been familiarizing myself with the forum, and it was weirdly relieving to see so many others with the EXACT same anxiety issues. It was almost crippling in high school and the first few years after, and sometimes I still don't feel like I've got a handle on it. And I completely understand being terrified to enter a public place or interact with someone because you don't know what to do or say - when I was nineteen, I could barely leave my dorm room because I was petrified of running into any of the other girls on my floor and having to interact with them. *Nothing* against them, but I just couldn't do it, and looking back, I can't even tell you exactly what I was afraid of.

I try really hard not to let how extra hard I have to work at maintaining social interaction make me think I'm dense - I know I'm intelligent, but it feels like all that information and insight is locked away in my brain, and there's a few faulty wires keeping it from translating correctly into words. And this is why I adore writing, haha. It's the only way I can articulate myself the way I want to, mainly because it gives me time to think what I want to say through.

You're so sweet It's a bit weird for people who don't know me, but my family and friends fully expect it now. I'm like the built in thesaurus for them, haha. Just don't ask me to say it right, I am *completely* inept with phonetics. If there's a wrong way to say something, I'll nail it every time.

i wrote a story about werewolves living in a small Nevada town, and what happens when humans find out there are werewolves living among them. i almost completed a story about an aspie vampire teenager girl and started another one about an aspie human girl lost in another planet with aliens. i have no idea if those are good stories or boring to death, because so far no one read them besides my nieces.
i put the first three chapters of the werewolf's story in a blog that directs readers to amazon where they can buy it, because it's published by creatspace, and they take everything, even if it's garbage.
if people start buying the first book, and i make some money, i'll finish the other two books.
i used to be terrifed of getting a job, because i thought i wouldn't understand what the boss wants me to do, and he'll get mad and i'll feel like a complete idiot. i didn't know i had asperger back then. as a child i was very nervous at reccess because i thought everyone was watching me and judging me. looking back, they didn't notice me at all. i debeted every second what to do. didn't dare talk to other girls, couldn't sit staring into space like a crazy person, couldn't read a book because for some reason that seemed wrong and i didn't dare do it. it was a nightmare.
my parents forced me to go to parties and i went with dread and was soooo relieved when it was over.
so i can totally understand your being afraid to leave your dorm. when i entered mcdonalds for the first time to buy a hamburger, i thought i deserved the purple heart for courage. i really did feel under fire, lol. i was in my twenties and so afriad i'll do something stupid or won't understand what people are saying. sometimes people talk to me and i just don't get what they mean. the words make no sense. thank god, it doesn't happen much. can't express myself, either, and that happens quiet a lot.
so, you write horror too. nice.

Welkome to WrongPlanet.

The WP Kink

Welcome to WP!.

Wow it's interesting that you mention you love to write and that is how you express yourself. I love to write as well mostly about anything that interest me, I can be the greatest debater in the world when it comes to writing but once i have to speak then I shut down. Maybe i need to go back to writing and let this weight off this way, thank you for sharing

To WrongPlanet!! !