Teen will not change bathroom routine--help!!

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I need some serious help with my aspie son, who is now 15. For many years he has resisted doing all the personal hygiene stuff--he rarely brushes his teeth and onlytakes a shower once a week. But the most difficult problem involves the toilet. He will not wipe himself, but expects me,his mom,to do it for him. Until he was about 12 he was becoming more independent and was at a point where he did want to handle this stuff by himself. Then when he got into middle school he seemed to regress, and now he acts almost like a little kid. When In say I don't think I should be doing it for him, he gets really angry, screams and sometimes hits the wall. What to do?

A non-social life skills deficit excludes one from a diagnosis of AS. If one with AS has a life skills deficit, either they do not have AS or this deficit is acquired and not innate.

You should have stopped wiping your son many many many years ago and if he actually has this problem at this age, it is your willingness to perform this task long beyond what was appropriate that caused it.

Do not perform this task for him, period. If you feel that you must do it for them then you need counseling.

wiping...let him throw a fit, but dont give in to him. He wants you to do this because in someway he wanting to be in a time when life was not so complicated...and you wiping him is a sort of security blanket for him. However, he is waaaay to old for that. Also try giving him those flushable wet wipes, just leave them in the bathroom for him to use. They make wiping easier and cleaner.

maybe you should find out why he is regressing. Middle school is really hard on us because kids are really mean in middle school and social "rules" are enforced by peers with no room for mistake...and much of it doesnt make a bit of sense.

As far as tooth brushing goes....I have a similar problem. My problem with it is that the toothpaste minty flavor burns my tongue something fierce, however I did find that sensodine, the toothpaste for people with sensitive teeth, is not terribly harsh flavored at all.

bathing, I had that problem too...but my problem is I dont like getting undressed...the cold air on my bare skin really bothers my sensory problems. I find that if I get the water adjusted in the shower first...and get undressed real quick, then jump in, it is not too bad.

We are having a similiar situation regarding this. My son, 13, just stands in the shower and lets the water run on him. If he does remember to shampoo his hair, it is a dab and quick wash. He wants to have his hair longer and I have told him, "I don't care how long a person has their hair...as long as it is kept combed and clean!". I have had to tell him that he is getting close to getting it whacked off because of it not being clean. The bathroom issues have been a challenge. He has IBS and BM's are quite large and infrequent, but when he does have one he will wipe but puts the paper in the trash can. I sometimes just walk around scratching my head...?

I'd make the wiping the priority issue for now. When you are not in the situation, have a frank discussion with him about how at his age it simply is not appropriate and could even cause issues for you. Then offer something in trade, something that will make him feel close to you and privileged. Maybe let him pick something. But to get A, he must say goodbye to B.

Sympathize that you know this isn't easy for him, but keep it firm. "In one week we stop doing A but will do B.". Time to adjust mentally. Lots of reminders as the day nears.

Yes, the same process we use with toddlers. But with this one thing he IS like a toddler.

Simple really on the wiping. Don't do it. I'm not sure I'd tell him that it's not appropriate and that you could get in trouble potentially. He may use this against you sometime and call police or tell a friend or whatever.

He is simply too old and he will do it from now on. His bum will start to hurt and he will have to do it eventually.

Put your big girl panties on and be the boss!

LOL. At least that's what my Mom tells me when I tell her similar things. No insult meant.

No he is not like a toddler. And that perception towards him is probably what caused this problem in the first place.

It's possible he's afraid of clogging the toilet.

He is exhibiting the same emotional need as a toddler, and desire to regress. Recognizing that isn't going to stop one from solving the problem. In fact, I would suggest it is required to. Taking the same extra care making a transition as you would with a little one with will help avoid meltdowns and set backs, and allow him to integrate the change with less confusion.

It isn't effective to say, "this is the maturity the child should have, and therefore I will tackle problems by treating him as if he has it." Clearly this child does NOT have that maturity, or the issue would not exist. Without considering the underlying emotional needs, you can't make the change without it backfiring in some way. Since the change must be made, as I think everyone agrees, I believe it must be handled carefully.

Last edited by DW_a_mom on 28 Jul 2011, 11:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It's funny that you mentioned it. In many Second World countries (I consider Latin America, Eastern Europe, and parts of Asia, to fit into that category), using a special trash can, rather than throwing used tissue into the toilet, is the norm. The reason being that sewer infrastructure in those counties is quite poor, so toilet paper can easily clog pipes. Plus, the toilet paper made there doesn't disintegrate as easily as the American one. Hence, the trash can. This is true in both public and private bathrooms.

Humor and anthropology aside, I'll agree with the poster who says that your son is afraid of clogging the toilet. Just explain to him that the sewer system is strong enough to handle almost any kind of body waste and toilet paper (but not much else, lol).

I understand where you are coming from, and while I am greatful parents are more willing to try to understand and accommodate those with AS, sometimes I find this attempt to be compassionate is misplaced and is actually detrimental to the child's development, and this issue the OP is having with her son is a good illustration of this.

To be entirely honest, I see a lot of immaturity amongst the younger generations of those with AS because the parents wrongfully perceive their children with AS as being more needy than others and so are more willing to continue behavior usually reserved for younger children. In all honesty, children with AS need to be pushed towards independence with respect to life skills more than other children not because they are actually more needy but because they are just resistant to change. And sometimes you have to really put your foot down to do this and stop caring if they shower, or eat healthy, or in the case of the OP's son, won't wipe himself.

They will eventually take on the task themselves, either to the parents satisfaction or not. But people don't always care for themselves how their parents want them to anyway.

If I didn't do my own laundry by the time I was 15 then I wore dirty clothes, period, and I would wear those clothes until I saw fit to wash them, period.

I could not have said it better, Chronos.

Plus there is the issue of legality...if someone like a teacher heard if this, she/he would call social services. I doubt Dfacs would be very understanding and might even have your son removed from the home.

I should elaborate:

A child with AS should be able to handle using the bathroom by themselves by the same age as other children, which, if we are being very liberal, is no later than the age of 6.

You should stop bothering them about hygiene and their diet by the time they are 16.

In other words, you should expect that they acquire all life skills goals with the exception of social skills at the same ages as other children, and you should push them towards this.

To be able to parent a child with AS you must be more stubborn than they are on these things.

I mostly believe this statement right here.

The biggest lesson I've learned is that there are NO "should's" with an AS child. Every time I've allowed myself one, we've ended up three steps back and zero forward. So I reject your timeline. And I reject your "more stubborn" argument, for most instances. Timelines and stubbornness get you battles, meltdowns, and regression.

Can this child wipe himself? Probably. That isn't the reason he asks mom to do it, I'm guessing. But without addressing the real reason, all you've got is a line in the sand that the child does not know how to cope with. I suggested some new activity, obviously an appropriate one, for a reason - to give some hope to addressing the underlying need and finally moving past this. If a line in the sand, a sudden halt, was going to work, it would have worked by now. This mom has tried to draw it often enough. "Should" isn't going to work, so I'm moving outside of that in hopes of figuring out what WILL work. Her being more stubborn won't cut it. Planned, firm, and knowing you've really done your best to handle it with some sensitivity - that has a good chance of it.

This isn't lazy parenting, or us going too easy. I advocate watching your child, understanding his clues, getting a sense of his unique readiness - and nudging, sometimes pushing, when you know this unique child can do it, and there aren't other unmet needs floating around to derail the process. I advocate for this because in my experience it WORKS.

In my experience, it doesn't work. But let's clarify semantics. Stubborn is holding a position regardless of evidence that may arise to chip at it's merits. Firm confidence is something different, research done, child understood, all variables accounted for, instructions absolutely clear and logically received, knowing in your heart and soul that this unique child is ready to meet this challenge, or can do what is asked.

Trust me, kids respond to the difference.