Getting the other person to say something in a conversation

Post Reply New Topic

I tend to have a problem when speaking with people. I'm not normally a talkative guy, but somehow, I end up being the only one in the conversation having anything to say. I've gotten plenty of hints from my parents that it bothers people, yet if I stop talking with anyone, the conversation simply stops. I find this annoying because I can already get this from my stuffed animals. I want to hear what they have to say, about topics they want to bring up, I want to learn from them and expand my understanding as a human being - it's why I engage in conversation in the first place.

Any tips for how to get the other person to actually say something? Things I've tried:

- Not talking at all - This leads to dead silence that can last for hours or until I give up and start talking again.
- Asking them questions - They'll simply give the shortest answer possible. For example, in response to "How was your first day of college", they'll respond "Good." without elaborating.
- Commenting on how quiet they've been - This usually results in them saying they'd rather listen. (Which I presume is a lie)

It doesn't seem to be them not wanting to talk to me, because they do put on a good alleged act in being very intrested in what I have to say with things like smiling and nodding when they feel I've made a good point, letting me know when they don't understand the terminology I'm using, and commenting frequently on how smart they think I am (Um...ok...).

So, can anyone help? Is this a common problem among aspies? If so, what's worked for you? If not, is there still any advice you can give me?

I think the trick is getting the subject to be about them. My theory is that when people talk about something they care about, they almost relive it. It is a wonderful experience fo them, and having another person to listen is sometimes just an excuse.

Find out what they think about the candidate. Ask them if they saw something good on tv. Did they ever have an experience like that? When they say yes, enquire as to how it made them feel and would they do the same thing again, etc . . .

Not only must you share the floor, you must also share the topic.

Yes, yes, yes. So very familiar. The interesting (and twistedly ironic) thing in this regard for me is that I've had many one-sided conversations like this that end with the *other person* telling *me* I'm shy.

Probably what they took to be my extreme nervousness put them off from talking very much... *shrug*

sounds liek people are avoidign talkign to you because you talk to much.

Are you having this issue with a specific group of people?

It seems to me that you are doing good...asking questions about them.The only explaination I can give is ....they are aspie?They are afraid that what they say might be judged negatively?

When I think about situations were I am reluctant to talk.....

I am preoccupied with an obsession and either working on it or thinking about it.
I am afraid that my answer will be judged by the person(parent or boss)as "bad"
I know nothing about the topic being discussed or have no interest in it.
Sometimes I have difficulty answering a "vague" question...how was your day?because I am flooded with snapshots of the day and dont know where to start describing the day.
Sometimes there are to many "external stimulie" in the environment(noise,light)and I have difficulty concentrating because they are destracting to me
Sometimes I am still to tired from interacting in the outside world and need to shut down for awhile before I can form the words/thoughts to communicate with others
Some people think/communicate so differently then I do that it is like talking to someone from a different country and this can be frustrating and makes me feel like a "freak"


I dont know if any of this applies...good luck...I spent most of my childhood talking to my stuffed animals...best buddies...now I have cats...they dont talk much but they are good cuddelers...

[quote="krex"]Some people think/communicate so differently then I do that it is like talking to someone from a different country and this can be frustrating and makes me feel like a "freak"
quote]

I feel like this with most of the people at work.

Hi

I'm not that great at conversations, especially with people I don't know well (I tend to be too quiet). Everything that Krex posted also applies to me (well apart from the stuffed animal bit)

I've very recently started looking into how to deal with this and found the following site quite interesting and helpful:

http://changingminds.org/techniques/con ... sation.htm

I've also enrolled on a humanistic psychology evening class, which deals with self-confidence, assertiveness, life-coping skills...... (actually I did Psychology A level 18 years ago, but it didn't deal with these areas). Maybe there's a similar course running in your area.

Most people can only take conversation in 'small doses' in other words, if you are talking to strangers or friends, don't sit there and hang around them too long if the conversation is dying or waning.

Next you need to talk about things THEY find cool or interesting, you may want to ask them "If a person wanted to be you friend, what would they have to do for you to think they were cool or want to hang around them?" That's if, if your'e going for friendship.

We with AS simply DO NOT KNOW when to quit, we we PERSERVERATE or PUSH all the time intensely, this annoys NT's to no end. You have to learn to just converse in small doses, you're trying to PUSH or PULL information out of them when they have reached their "limit" most likely.

I know I do this too, there are ways to do this but it takes social calibration, you may want to ask people if you talk to much or get their opinions on what you can do to improve relating to other people that they notice about you, tell them to be honest because you want to become more socially aware because it's hard for you to see the social rules and read peoples disinterest or knowing when a conversation waxes and wanes and when to leave.

The problem is many people WILL LIE through their body language and NEVER tell you what they really think in order to grease the wheels of social interaction, in other words they don't have the balls or heart to tell you you're annoying through body language or words.

You can't trust peoples reactions to be honest all the time, if you're not getting a response that's a big hint.

I sometimes get annoyed when people try to use techniques to get me to talk, when I don't feel like talking. For example, as I was turning in a Barnes & Noble employment application to a girl at the front counter, I nearly crossed in front of this thug- (or chav-) dressed guy. I said excuse me or something to that effect. Maybe I said it too quietly. After turning in the application, I knew there was nothing additional I needed to say to the clerk. So I turned around, and walked towards the exit, when the thug-dressed guy says, "Hey, Man." I keep on working. At first I though he was talking to the clerk or to someone else. (Would you believe that some people are saying "Hey, man" to girls now, even when no mistake could be made about the girl's gender? Arghh.)

I was almost to the door, about twenty feet away.

Then the Asian or Hispanic thug-dressed guy said, "Hey, my name's Matthew too." Wow, he must have glanced at my application. He must have really wanted me to say something. And I bet his name wasn't even Matthew. What Asian or Hispanic thug-dressed guy goes by "Matthew"? Geez.

I decided that if I said something a) he would make fun of it or b) I would be wasting my breath, as no typical person is going to say hello to someone they don't know from 20 feet awa.

As I was driving home, I got my inevitable anxiety again. Suppose the thug-dressed guy was just trying to be friendly, or impress the girl at the counter with his social skills. Who knows. Maybe I did the right thing.

Sounds like he was just trying to be friendly. What you did probably came across as extremely rude to that dude.

That is the last thing I want, so next time I'll remember this situation and how I should have gone about things. Thank you for telling me this.

Listen this topic reminds me of when i met my dad for the first time and we went out to eat, and i didn't say a word and my eyes kept looking at the ceiling, it was probably then he relised he had a ret*d for a son, hahahaha oh man.

waterdogs your a moron...not a ret*d...gettit right you loser.

someone let the internet get to them and it won. what does that make you?