Feel like my mother saps the life out of me

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Warning: Big wall of text to follow:

My mother and I do not have the best of relationships, but it wasn't always that way. My father has been cheating on her for around ten years or so, and when I first found out, I was extremely angry. I blamed him for everything. I hated him and felt like he victimized my mother for no reason (I think I was about ten at the time). I felt terrible over what happened to my mom and believed her when she said my father would be moving out. I always liked my mother more anyway, she let me skip school to see movies and would buy me pretty much anything I asked. My father was the only one who would yell at me if I did something stupid, but he'd still buy me something if my mother didn't, most of the time.

The years went on but we all still lived together though my sister moved out to go to college for a few years (we all live together now though). While I was in high school I began to act differently around them. I spoke less to my mother and started to enjoy the time I spent with my father. I still felt bad for my mother though, but as of now I barely speak to my mother and am on mostly good terms with my father (we never speak about his affair, obviously).

My mother has not taken kindly to this and today accused me of being "A mean little sh*t to her" among other things, and said that "If anything [I] should hate [my] father because he's the one who's cheating on [her]". Thing is, this hardly phased me. I feel like I should be upset by this, or at least concerned, but I feel like I really don't care. This left me wondering what happened between me and my mother, and I think I've figured it out.

My mother always felt sorry for herself. She always expected me or my sister to make her feel better, but especially me when my sister was away at college. I could never talk to her for help with my problems though, as she was always...very critical of everything. I can't really explain it. My father on the other hand always seemed willing to lend an ear, or offer advice.

She would become extremely upset if my father did anything for me. I remember her crying when my father had bought me a new keyboard after I spilled water on my old one. She always reacted like that, and it seemed like she jumped on any chance to buy me something, and I actually remember her saying that the "last time [I] loved her was when she bought me the [something or other]". She doesn't appreciate when I do something for myself either. I biked up to my college the other day (it's not too far) and when my mother found out she said "Well that's stupid, I can just drive you".

I feel as though my mother has relied on spoiling and sheltering me to keep me on "her side". I was a very depressing and neurotic person up until about a year ago and had my own way of getting people to feel sorry for me. I went to college last year, and realized how little I had done with my life, and started trying to figure out what to do with it. I think I've become much better in that time, but that's also when I really started to speak to my mother less and my father more.

I think I started to see my mother and father's problems as separate from my own, and stopped believing there was a side to choose between them. I was going through a stressful point in my own life, and my father gave me much more support than my mother (I don't think what he did was right though). Admittedly I don't just feel indifferent to my mother, but rather...resentful. I feel like she wants me to stay at home and watch movies with her all day rather than get a life. That's what my sister does, and she's 4.5 years older than me and has a college degree and a job. I don't really want that, and I feel like the more time I spend with my mother, the more I'll end up being a bum.

So...yeah. I know that was really long. I do feel like I'm being kind of heartless, but on the other hand I also feel like I shouldn't have to be an emotional caretaker for my mother. I don't know. I don't know if there's any way to respond to this...but any response is welcome.

I'm currently living with a bitter woman who is also my boyfriend's mum. She doesn't know how to handle her own problems very well. She takes out her anger on other people, especially me. She is very critical of everyone and it is hard to deal with such a harsh person, as you can tell this isn't very mature behaviour. I don't think you should be an emotional caretaker either, she should be able to deal with her own problems as she is a mature aged woman. You are still young (I'm guessing) and you are still learning how to deal with other people. You need some postive influences in your life right now, it sounds like your mum isn't a good influence in your life. Find a mentor to replace your mum, he/ she may be able to help

Your mother sounds narccistic to me, the way you describe her. I could blithly just recommend that you set boundries with her. But I know all to well, that setting boundries with narcissists is a full time job and the pay is bad.

Unfortunately, as long as you live at home, she's gunna be a force in your life. Probably the best you can do under the circumstances is minimal avoidance of her.

As for the marrital cheating, that's their business. The way I see it there are only 2 ligitimate ways to react to a cheating spouse. If I feel it's unacceptable; divorce. If I don't want to divorce or can't afford to live on my own and stay in the marriage for monetary support; then I take responsibility for my own decision and accept the life I've chosen without complaint.

My only advise to you is to not take your mother's guilt tripping to heart. And to do your own best to make your way in the world. If and when possible get your own place. Only then can you start in earnest to set boundries with her.

Thank you for your responses.

Well my mother attempted to have a talk with me about this stuff. She asked me what exactly she had done to deserve such disrespect, and I honestly can't pinpoint any one thing she has done. Any time I point out something she has done (spoiling me, getting mad whenever I do something on my own) she will immediately say "I don't do that!" or "Well I can't help it" or try to laugh as if what she does doesn't matter. All the while she tries to act very nice, and just wants things to be OK. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but I can't just suddenly start treating her like nothing's happened.

You're not responsible for your mother or her happiness. You do not need to choose between your parents or be made to feel guilty for having a positive relationship with your father. What happened between your parents in their marriage is none of your business. You're not supposed to sacrifice your future to meet your mother's demands.

Sorry replace is a too strong a word. I meant it in the sense to find someone who inspires you, someone that encourages you to do good things with your life

I am merely going to say: I can relate to having a mother sap the life out of you. My youngest brother could not escape, and they have a seemingly perpetual symbiotic relationship.

This thread also has helped me. Be blessed in the Name of Jesus

sounds like my relationship with my mom. But she is alot worse.
Last week she tried to kill her self by cutting her wrists and made a really bloody scene to wake up to.
I am fighting the feeling this is somehow my fault.

I am telling you all this because...she could be your mother, so it could be worse.

Anyway She does sound narcistic. Narcisits have many faces...and one of them is the pitiful me...the world must revolve around me because I was victimized.
The fact that your parrents used their kids as pawns in a power struggle with each other...is really sick.
Unfortunatly, it happens alot. My parrents did the same thing. My mom is still competing with my father for the love of her children...even though my dad died 3 years ago. She is jealous they are still grieving for him.
But regardless using kids as pawns in a struggle like that is really very disturbed.

You have to come to terms with the fact that your parrents are not perfect and they have not met your emotional/psychological needs and probably are not capable of doing that either.

You cant control what people say or do, but you CAN control your reaction. That is cornerstone of dealing with a dysfunctional family.

Anyway...I hope something I said may help you,


Jojo

I hope I'm not too late for this thread. It appears to be recent though. I'm afraid I'm responding with my own "wall of words", but your post really stirred a lot of emotion and it's EXTREMELY relatable.

I see a lot of the suggestions that your mother could be potentially narcissistic. That very well could be the case, however what you're describing, while manifesting itself similar to narcissism (which is certainly a logical assumption given much more familiarity with the concept of narcissism) sounds like a textbook example of Borderline Personality Disorder. BPD easily presents itself, on the surface, as narcissism since there is a common thread of entitlement and the two can often go hand in hand.

As I am not a psychiatrist, I am unable to verify this for you. I can only speak from my own struggles with a disordered parent and your description of your mother's behavior is eerily familiar.
I'd like to suggest you pick up a copy of "Understanding the Borderline Mother" by Christine Lawson
I think the wording of your title is a wonderfully accurate description of the overall atmosphere of existing with a Borderline parent. To be in their presence creates a profound uncomfortableness, a feeling of exhaustion, and of being emotionally tapped dry. It is one of the most notable responses to their presence and it seems few are immune (therapists included) to the emotional hangover of time spent with them.

Christine Lawson's book was life changing for me as the label of "narcissistic" always felt like a close fit for describing my mother, but not quite right. While it addressed my mother's entitlement and belief that her needs are more important than others, it lacked explanation for her utter lack of accountability and her self righteous belief that to think independently, or to behave autonomously is an attack on her. Where she strays from narcissism is her need to be the victim. In her disordered mind she is perpetually victimized by the world, and things simply happen to her, of which she has no control over. She is only capable of responding in a purely reactive manner and retaliates to threats (essentially any attempt at autonomy) by lashing out defensively to the point of altering reality ("I never said that", "That's not what I meant ", "You misunderstood me", etc), by using emotional manipulation and blame ("How could you think that about me"), and lastly, when her inevitable tears over the cruelty I've subjected her to (by not substituting my own reality with hers), have failed to sway me she resorts to total abandonment and dismissal (while simultaneously assigning the responsibility of her absence on me and requiring me to beg and appease her to be deserving of her acknowledgment again).

It sounds to be that you are unfortunately in this same type of emotional hostage situation.
Lawson's book really helped me see the cyclical patterns of her behavior and to give me the validation I needed to finally decide to stop accepting responsibility for all of my mothers feelings. I recognize now that I was conditioned throughout my life to parent my mother. It is no longer acceptable to be expected to soothe her instead of myself, to cater to her needs instead of my own, and to spend the bulk of my time and valuable mental real estate anticipating her whims. To do these things means I am no longer placing value on myself as a person of worth in my own existence. I can't tolerate this because it destroys self worth and has the potential to destroy my ability to instill in my own children the inherent understanding that they are profoundly important people and have just as much right to take up space as anyone else does.
I hope this book will help you move a little farther down the path to understanding your mother's behavior, and to ensure you maintain the ability to understand that this "sapped" feeling you have is not normal and it is not deserved.
I wish you luck and I hope that you are always able to see the value in your own needs and your right to have those needs be heard and respected.

Loezelig,
Well, my laymen's advice would be that you refrain from either option:)
The bottom line is that being suffocated by ugly behavior creates ugly escape fantasies and you're certainly not alone in imagining fantasy outcomes that offer the ability to release some of the pent up rage and hostility being on the receiving end of emotional toying creates. In my darker moments I've mentally avenged myself too. However, I am not an inherently unhappy person like my mother is, and ruminating in similarly negative thinking left me feeling inauthentic and disconnected from my own moral compass. I am fortunate enough to have had the means to remove myself from my mother's destructive influence. For me, zero contact with my mother was the best choice. Not everyone has the same resources I had. Many victims are dependent minors or people who's situations require them to remain in close quarters. In these circumstances there are few options other than finding a way to make the best of it and making absolute certain that we have ways to maintain a grasp of ourselves and of reality since we're up against a perpetual campaign of invalidation.
From my own personal experience it really helped to educate myself on the patterns of borderline behavior and thinking. Their behavior is so odd it's difficult to comprehend that it's not you, it's them. It was comforting to me to see that my mother's behavior is not unique and different, in fact, it's wholly typical of borderlines. There was a certain pleasure in recognizing that she is not special, that there is a bland predictability to her. Learning about how her disordered brain works helped me stay calm, recognize the hints of impending outbursts, and be able to prepare myself emotionally and mentally to better manage her. I learned how to do this in an emotionally neutral, assertive, but respectful and calm manner that gave me confidence in my strength instead of shame for playing the game with her. Make no mistake, as long as you are in a relationship with her, you will be managing her. They "parentify" us children, therefore as surrogate parents, spouses, and therapists we are expected to shoulder the burden and the responsibility of their emotions and well being. For me, until I could disengage myself from her completely, it helped me to think of her as a child, because emotionally she is a child. I made sure to handle her firmly, but delicately as rage filled child-adults can be dangerous. Morality and ethics can be temporarily suspended with a clear conscience should they stand in the way of the borderline and their goal. They are apt to insist that the means justified the ends no matter how outrageous their behavior was.
There is another book I highly recommend that may be better suited to your needs. There is an entire segment on tactics of engaging safely and tangible coping mechanisms for people who, for whatever reasons, are prevented from being able to establish zero contact. It's called, "Children of the Self Absorbed" by Nina Brown. Both books I've mentioned are available on Amazon as both hard copies and Kindle downloads.
I also just want you to know that these overwhelming feelings of aggression you have are understandable, I had them too. I reached a point where I was so filled with and consumed by hate that I thought I was going to burst with it and spread my hate to everyone around me. I felt very lost, empty, and had little sense of self. At times it felt hopeless. It was a battle to emancipate myself from my mother, but one I'd fight a thousand times over. Distance brought peace and the sheer room to gather my thoughts without being bombarded by someone who, quite frankly, wouldn't STFU long enough for me to focus. I had moments of pleasure, but was robbed of the ability to experience a true state of contentedness. It wasn't until my late 20's that I had any inkling that life for other people wasn't this hard. There is peacefulness and relished simplicity to my life now. These are trying times for you and overcoming them require diligence and more effort than is fair, but I hope you know that it's worth it. Especially if you can prove to yourself that you are not a label assigned to you by a mentally unstable person. If you can move forward without compromising your real self and without allowing yourself to be dragged down into the muck of it, you'll learn what you're really made of:)

Twenty six years ago my husband and I moved 800+ miles away from our families.

It's worked out rather well.

I kinda feel the same...though my mom is supportive on the surface, There are things I end up keeping from her because I don't want to deal with her drama. I have made a lot of progress with not letting what she will think or how she will feel run my life.....but it still makes me sad that once I actually figure some things out and am ready to go on with my life it is very likely the 'support' will be replaced with rejection of me for not following the mold she has in her mind of how I should be.


Just because I have As and some other issues does not mean I don't like to go out and enjoy myself, or that i don't go out and make mistakes in life that I have to learn from or that I have yet to have a couple too many drinks and vomit an unholy amount ect. My mom does not seem to understand that.

EmiliaL for the win!! !!

I've heard of borderline personality disorder before, though I'm not sure it applies to my mother. She definitely has the emotional maturity of a child, but I don't really know if she consistently shows enough other traits to be considered borderline.

Looking back, she always seemed insecure. I went to a private grade school and went to a public high school, but most of my friends from grade school went to private high schools. I remember not really caring, but my mother told me "They won't be getting any better education than you...they won't, just because you're going to public school doesn't mean anything". Up until she had said that, I didn't feel insecure about my school at all.

She would also try to insult or point out any flaws she could in everyone. I remember her talking about how the voice of a girl I liked in school was too annoying, and how I could possibly like someone like that, or how someone's husband was cheating on them, or how a waitress we had once was sleeping with the manager, or how another waitress was doing heroine or something. She would say things like that to me when I was a little kid. She even once said how when she was younger and didn't feel like dating someone anymore she would just point out bothersome things about him over and over until he didn't want to be around her anymore.

She also only seems to feel worth when my sister or I use her for something. She used to take me everywhere or would offer to buy me almost anything I hinted at wanting, and I would always feel guilty if I did something or got something without her aid.

She would always feel sorry for people. It's like she doesn't know how to feel much other than pity. When I was little she gave away my super nintendo to a friend of mine because she thought his parents were mean for not getting him a game system. I always knew as a child that the best way to get something from her was to act sad or helpless. She especially feels sorry for herself, though considering how much she has actually lost due to economic issues the past few years, I don't blame her...much.

She does come to me and say things like she expects me to...I don't know. She always watches really terrible movies and will say things like "Oh, I just watched [some terrible movie]. It was so terrible, I can't believe I actually watched this one" or "Oh, I really don't want to go see this movie with my friend, I'm just going for friendship...[loud sigh]" or even when I got an early birthday present, she said "Well why doesn't anybody get ME an early birthday present, I could use new things!". Now I know some people say things like that as jokes, but it's like all she wants is someone to feel sorry for her, not someone to joke with.

Uhh.....wow. I didn't mean to go on a big rant like that. Oh well, feels kind of good to have finally really put all of that to words. I have learned how to deal with it somewhat. I've learned how to respond to her self pitying rambles without getting pissed off and without having to hear more of it, most of the time. I do see a lot of her immaturity in me though, and I'm not sure if I'll ever outgrow some of it, but I'm pretty sure I won't end up worse than her.