Being Misunderstood -I want to hear about it.

Post Reply New Topic

A lot of people seem to believe that those with AS lack empathy, and many people with AS have been accused of being rude, inconsiderate, selfish, uncaring of others, or passive aggressive when this wasn't really the case.

Frequently, during my childhood, I often acted with the utmost consideration of others, frequently going out of my way to be considerate or do nice things for others even at my own expense, and these intentions and efforts not only were not recognized, but I occasionally even got in trouble for them.

At the same time, I found people frequently disregarded my needs just because they were a little different.

For example, when I was 7 I once tried to help the gardener garden so I turned on the sprinklers to water the grass and he yelled at me because he was about to mow it and said it would all stick to the mower now. I got in trouble because he thought I made his job more difficult on purpose.

I would frequently be called selfish because I would not share things I considered my personal items (such as my computer), or things dear to me I had reason to believe the other person might break, and I would be called selfish despite the fact that I actually did more around the house than my siblings because people did not acknowledge the unsolicited good deeds I would do and only paid attention to the things I wouldn't let them have when they wanted them, or the ways I wouldn't or couldn't act that they expected me to and it's only in adulthood that my parents have acknowledged that I was actually one of the more caring and altruistic people in the world.

I want to hear about similar experiences others with AS/ASD have had where good deeds and intentions went unrecognized because I think it's important for others to realize that most individuals with AS/ASD are good, caring people.

Most of the time when I try to reach out to someone that feels sad, they think I'm trying to take advantage of them or whatever. It's not that I do it with complete strangers (that I would understand-especially females) but casual acquaintances sometimes think I'm trying to trick them or backstab them just because I'm a little bit weird...so that proves I'm not genuine or something. There are probably more specific examples, but I've always had a tendency to forget the past and move on to the future.

I agree with your premise ... it seems to be very common for Aspies' intentions to be misconstrued, and for people to attribute motives to us that are totally wrong. It's happened to me, many times. And you're right ... it's very frustrating and demoralizing.

You don't want to hear my experiences, however. Your point is already well-made.

Yes, this still happens to me. Sometimes, I wonder to myself: 'Why don't people damn well just ASK me why I'm doing/have done something instead of incorrectly assuming that they know what my intentions and/or motivations were'. I gather it all comes down to a lack of imagination on the part of some non-autistics, who assume that all human beings work from the same general framework of motivations/intentions that they do.

Story of my life. "Why did you do that?" "Why can't you be like everyone else?" "Why do you do [task] so unusually?" "What do you mean by that?"

It really breaks down your self esteem to constantly be questioned. It's only lately that I've come to understand that it needs to be rebuilt. I was right all along and they were just close-minded.

Often with friends and family, I comment on something that is just an observation. That is all what it is, an observation. It can be followed by my personal idea about that fact, but that will be clearly formulated ito "I think that is..." format. Others do not seem to notice that I just mean it as stating a fact and interpret it as a negative or positive statement on which they then proceed to debate or heavily comment. I hate ths. With my statements I do not mean or imply thing. Stop interpreting me and reading stuff I do not mean and support me in trying to do small talk or starting conversations.

A few months ago, I was at a kid's party and was speaking with some other mums from school. One was talking about her daughter's illness and I was genuinely interested. I asked a few questions and thought it sounded like I cared, which I do. She was doing a lot of talking and wasn't holding back any. Then we started to talk about school and how you could keep your little one at home for an extra year, if they were born in Jan/Feb. I said that I'd heard you could keep them back, even if they were a little older, particularly if there were medical reasons. I then mentioned a little boy with autism whose mum had thought about doing it. She then said, 'She doesn't have a learning disability, if that's what you're trying to get at'. I was so embarrassed, as that had not been my intention at all and I told her so, but didn't think she believed me. It's quite ironic that the word 'autism' triggered this outburst. I worried about this for a while, but either she forgot about it or realised that I had meant no harm. Anyway, I would now consider her to be a friend. If you've read my thread about 'People speaking about you behind your back', she's Y (the good guy).

I used to be more giving than normal, too. I would give people stuff, take them places when they didn't have transportation, help them do things. I got very little in return and was treated like a doormat. I suffered burnout and now I cannot be bothered. I would rather be thought of as self centered and selfish than a doormat who can be taken advantage of.

I have had a number of these situations that you described, where I thought I was doing something nice but it turned out not to have been. Or when I say something nice, people automatically suspect it's sarcasm (I'll be honest in that I probably deserve that, but still, I'm not always sarcastic). People often also think I have some ulterior motive or that I will stab them in the back, and I have to tell them over and over that that's just not how I work.

I've been diagnosed with high functioning autism for about 6 or 7 years now and it's starting to be a pain.
Overall I've got a pretty average circle of friends, everything is usually ok. It's when I am working with teachers who incorrectly assume to know me inside out because of my autism that is when I am frustrated. A couple of years ago when I first joined highschool I was asked to to be filmed for research reading books given to me and asked questions. To my horror however, I was asked to read a picture book designed for 3-5 year olds!
I seem to be stereotyped as someone who can't fathom the outside world or understand what my parents are saying infront of me and then spoken to as if I am an 8 year old. It becomes frustrating on my part, when I'm trying to explain something that inside my head is very clear, but when spoken to someone else comes out not the way I visualised and at times comes out in words which I am not aware that I am saying.
It has gotten to the point where I can't bare to talk to anyone about my autism outside a few trusted friends, in the fear I will be treated just like the "experts" treat me already or worst, being looked up to by my younger brother as the ret*d one that he will always be embarrased about.
I seem to make friends pretty easily most of the time but when It comes to relationships I am useless. It feels like I am inside a see through bubble, I can see girls but I just can't talk to them or even use topics to find out common interests. Due to my bad luck, or lack of any courage, people are going around the school calling me gay and teasing me about something which I am not. I know alot of "normal" guys strugge with this aswell but I feel my autism hasn't helped me overcome these barriers as quickly as anyone else would.

Thanks for reading guys, it means alot to get this off my chest.

There a small amount of people in my life who misunderstand me. As a response, I have pushed them out of my life. So far I only have four people on my list; three teachers and my dad.

I was in an online friendship/relationship whth some guy quite a few years ago. That guy didn't understand why I liked the things that I did or thyat his turning against me brought out the worse in me. I got over it. I always do.