Saying Names - Selective Mutism or ???

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Hi all,
I have been reading here for a while & absolutely love this site. I just posted my first post last night (brave move for me, since I am shy about these things, but I did it for my son ). Anyways, you all were so kind in my other post, that I decided to ask a question.

My son (7 years old) has AS, diagnosed at age 3. We do everything we can to help him to navigate through the NT world, while also trying to understand where he is coming from. There is something going on that has us stumped & I am wondering if someone with a similar neuro-type might have some insight.

For about a year now, he has not been saying people's names. He will say Mom, Dad, Grandmom, and his sister's actual name. Otherwise, he will not call anyone by name. He will make up nicknames for some people & is OK with calling them those names. The problem comes in at school (and if he were to get lost or be in some other kind of dangerous situation). He won't say his teachers' names at all & sometimes won't even answer when someone asks his name.

This is really hampering him in social situations. He has an amazing teacher working with him, but this has become a roadblock. He will talk to his 'friends' at school, but will not address them. Sometimes they do not know that he is talking to them & then he thinks that they are ignoring him.

When I ask him why, he says that it is 'one of my fears'. I am trying to help him figure out how to overcome this. We have tried a chart where he says 3 names a day & gets a prize after 10 days, etc. He will do this, but then it doesn't generalize.

Any thoughts? Can you relate to this at all?

Thanks so much!

I can definitely relate. I still do this and I'm 23. I'm not sure why I do this but I think it relates to how comfortable I am with a person. If I'm not comfortable with the person I will just use hey or something to get their attention. I've spent over a year volunteering with this organization and I'm just starting to use some of their names when addressing the people there. And its not like I dont remember their names either, I can remember a person's name after meeting them once, twice at the most, I just dont use their names. Its good that you are working with your son because it is difficult to be heard when someone doesn't even know that your talking to them. Hope this helps.

I can't offer much advice I'm afraid but I can relate to what you are saying. I am 27 and have always had the same problem but probably not as severe. I don't like people using my name and I find it hard to use other people's names. I make up nicknames for people so I can use that name instead and most people make up nicknames for me which is lucky really. I can't logically explain it, it just feels uncomfortable. I will use someone's name if I really have to but it feels really unnatural and I don't like it. Can't you speak to his teacher and have them make up a sensible nickname he can call her and nicknames for all his friends? I think it will be a hard one to get rid of completely.

Hello I'm not sure if it would be classified as elective mutism because that usually affects all speech (although maybe the child speaks fine at home but not at school as in my case). I used to have this problem as a child though. I couldn't even call my aunty's name which was awkward because I spent a lot of time being babysat by her! For some reason, despite being a complete introvert who never particularly wanted friends, people used to become my friend. My best friend ever and me developed like a sign language almost because she knew I couldn't always say her name! She probably never heard me say her name in the entire 8 years I knew her! I still struggle to say names, I am not sure if it is anxiety but I suspect it might be because whenever I try to say a name I get overwhelmed by a panicky feeling. Like if my friend was called Liam for example I would probably start quietly stuttering 'l.... l.... l.... li.... l...' under my breath but wouldn't be able to say the name. It's difficult, I'm sure (although I was able to get by okay) but it's not impossible to have friends with this difficulty.

I've never used people's names either. I'm trying to be brave enough to actually use people's names, because - I gaurantee you - that it does make interaction a whole lot easier. This is why NTs like to use eachother's names a lot. It makes asking people things a lot easier. It takes off the fear that they might not listen or hear you, because by saying their name first, you know that you have got their attention first and so will hear you more. I've got to work on this too, but maybe when your son gets a little older, he might grow to build up courage to actually use people's names. It's a whole lot easier in the long run.

I have trouble learning names and almost never address friends by name. Teachers I'm more comfortable with but when it's not so formal as "Dr. X... " I get uncomfortable. I'm 30 and I only recently realized how fearful I am of using people's names to initiate conversation. On the other hand, I never initiate small talk either. So maybe it's the use of a name to initiate a social interaction that I'm afraid of. But I don't have nicknames for people. Wish I knew what to do about it, but I suspect it might help to work on social anxiety instead of just focusing on the names themselves.

Names denote ownership. I certainly can't own my mom or dad and I can't really own anyone else either. I only feel comfortable saying someone's name if we have a one-of-a-kind special understanding of some kind, in which case I like using their name. Nicknames spring from these special understandings. Names that already sound nicknamey are better for these purposes. Constance would be an example of a name I would have extreme trouble addressing someone by or even speaking to another person.

People get mad at me for not using names.

Interestingly my grandfather never ever used my name (or a lot of other people's). The only things he ever called me were "son" or "George" cause it was his joke I was a boy.

I remember when I was under 8, I always used other children's names. In fact, I used them too much, to the point of demanding for their attention.

In the past I had trouble with calling the other persons by their names, too. I was like "Hey! ...", as been already described. Now I'm 38, I have much less trouble saying "Hello, X" or "Hi, Y". For many years I didn't know the proper name of most of my relatives. I'm terrible with names, so the reason why I didn't use names must have been the fear of mistaking them, I guess. Unfortunately, it had happened to me a couple of times. However, I don't make up nicknames, in fact, when others at my workplace would use one, I wouldn't use it, even when I know it perfectly. Rigidity? Oh, once it has happened that I used one, and my colleagues said why I said that. It was too confidential. I'll never learn it. Perhaps that's why.

I generally don't use a person's name, or nickname, in front of them. I don't even say mom or dad unless I absolutely have to. I'm not sure how to describe it, but it just doesn't feel right; like I'm somehow calling too much attention to myself by using their names. It feels like I become very...visible...when I use someone's name, if that makes sense to anyone.

On the other hand, I'm comfortable enough using someone's name to a third party when the person being named isn't present.

I don't tend to use people's names either. I'm fine with my nearest and dearest, but no-one else. After 22 years, not once have I called my parents in law by their names. They told me to call them by their first names and I felt so uncomfortable with it, that I never called them anything at all.

When my husband makes a phone call to a company and the person on the other end answers, 'Hello, X Co, Julie speaking', he says, 'Hello, Julie, this is R'. I'm sure if I was Julie, I'd be thinking: Do I know this guy? I should know him, he seems to know me well. It makes him sound flirtatious too.

Also, when I hear my own name being used, it gives me a feeling that I have no words to describe.

As a child I wouldn't say names because I didn't know what they meant. I understood words like 'chair, door, and book', but what is Carlos or Annie??? They sounded like silly nonsense words.

I think it's just a quirk. Definitely not selective mutism. You don't get selective mutism with only names.

I'm horrible at remembering names, and I never thought about it, but I rarely do say anyone's name. I worry I'll get peoples' name wrong, too, so that makes me avoid attempting..

I think my main issue with names is that so many people have the same name, and so it is hard to remember who is who. Nicknames would be handy because I could use something that refers to some attribute of them I do remember, like how they look or how they act, but since the whole point of names is that everyone knows them by one name, I don't use those.

10 years ago, I never would have thought anyone else would understand this. When I was younger, I did have a fear of saying certain words. Of course, I never told anyone about it because that's embarrassing, but I know exactly what your son means. There would be certain names and common words that I just could not say, for whatever reason. I knew it was incredibly illogical, but that changed nothing. The only thing that helped was confronting that fear. Once I said the word and realized that nothing bad happened, that fear slowly started to go away. Now, it's still there, I just need to prepare myself, in some way (don't ask; I can't explain), before I can actually say it.

Same. I don't even call my SO by his name or any nicknames, so it's not a matter of being comfortable with someone, at least for me. I wouldn't call it a "fear". It just feels wrong.