14 yo brother-"son"... help...

Post Reply New Topic

About a year and a half ago Boo's (Taylor) father left our mom and him, then shortly after that Mom died from an on-going medical issue. DH and I have had custody of him since Feburary of 2010. I have lived with/assisted to care for Boo since he was born, so I know him very well, and his little what we thought were just nit-picky things. Kind of "it's just how he is" kind of thing. We knew he was diagnosed with Autism when he was roughly 3 years old, so we -my mom and me- also attributed some of his "issues" to that. About a month ago I had him start with a psychologist who specializes in autism/AS, and was given a diagnosis of high-functioning autism/AS.

So, not only did his father leave, his mother died, and now he lives with me and DH, but we also moved out of the state for DH's job. This was all between late 2009 and early 2010.

Mom never needed to spank or disapline him in any way before she passed away. He was very obedient and never argued with her. With DH and me there are new rules and new boundries that he's never experienced before. Mom would let him stay up until all hours of the night playing video games, PC games, or browsing the web. She wouldn't ask him to clean up after himself or get himself ready for school or bathe himself. She would let him have an unlimited supply of sugary treats and soda... We know that he is capable of doing many things for himself, so we started doing "life lessons" every month. Basic things like how to do laundry, how to fold laundry, how to vacuum, etc. He is doing well, but we are really having to fight him on these things, as well as fight him to do basic upkeep for himself like washing his face. I know this is a lot for someone to go through, much less someone with AS, I would imagine, but yowzers, sometimes I just go to the bathroom and cry wondering what's going through his head.

We don't have other children and I feel terrible that he's basically our "test child" because we already don't have any clue what we're doing....

We need advice.
How do we disapline him appropriately?
How can we earn his respect?
How do we get him to socialize with his peers? Should we force him into social situations such as groups/clubs?
What do we do when he exagerates a situation and throws things in our face?
What about throwing/kicking/punching things?

Thanks in advance!
---Amber---

What is probably going through his head is "God, why don't they leave me alone?" I imagine most NT's attend to these basic things out of habit or because it gets to a point where not doing it eventually bothers them. Those with AS/HFA, while they often suffer from hypersensitivity, can have a very high tolerance for messes, un-done chores, and being dirty.



You first have to determine if the situation even warrants being disciplined. Frequently a child with AS or HFA might appear to be acting bad but they don't actually intend to and often times are just overwhelmed because many of the things that stress them don't stress NTs. Likewise, many of the things that stress NTs don't stress them.

Typically people take things away from children to punish them, but children with AS/HFA don't usually respond well to this for two reasons. First, they tend to not care about many of the things you have taken away. Second, the things they do care about, they really care about and are often things that keep them sane in this world that is very hostile to them, so taking away a computer and internet access when that is really their only way to really interact with the world, for example, is just cruel and can be damaging. Chances are the child will not respond how you would like and it will just make things worse.



Talk to him and engage him in the things he is interested in. Remember though, he is a teenager.



You need to explicitly teach him about socialization and all of it's unspoken rules first. He likely has little, if any idea. All the things you would normally do in a social situation, children with AS/HFA frequently have absolutely no concept of. Often times they don't even know to approach other individuals. You could put him in a room with children his age and he might not make a single friend because he might not know how to approach and interact with them or even that it's expected of him and he is odd for not doing so. You should try to get him involved in social activities but you are going to have to coach him and even prompt him to engage with others much as you would very small children. You will have to be just as involved in the activity yourself at first.


Acknowledge his feelings and stay calm. He's just upset. It's natural.



Be firm in telling him he is not to do that and send him to his room to calm down.

Firstly, sounds like you've got a really tough situation. You're probably pretty young to be raising a 14 year old, you haven't had experience raising your own child, he probably thinks of you as an older sibling rather than a parent, he's been through a lot of upheaval (especially for a kid who doesn't like change) and he's getting into a difficult developmental stage.

I'll give what advice I can.

Those are kind of the same thing, really. If he respects you, he will do his best to follow your rules, and your discipline will have more impact because he won't want you to be disappointed in him.

My biggest piece of advice is to make sure he knows the reasons behind your rules. He needs to get to bed at a reasonable time because he'll be tired the next day when he's getting ready for school. He needs to eat healthy so he doesn't get diabetes or cavities. That sort of thing.

Regarding the self-care issues, are you sure he is capable of doing all that? Just because he can do it when you prompt him and take him through it every step of the way doesn't mean he can do it on his own time. You may want to research executive dysfunction, see if that might explain some of his issues.



Do not force him. It's a whole lot easier to catch up on missed skills than to heal emotional wounds from being pushed into a situation you can't handle.

What are his interests? Can you find a club or something related to that interest that he could join? Also, are there any social skills classes for AS kids you could sign him up for?

Also, talk to him about what he wants out of social situations with other kids, and what he doesn't like. Figure out goals he wants to achieve and make a plan with him about how to gain the skills to do those.



Don't take offense or get upset. Comment on how he's feeling ('that must be really upsetting'). Encourage him to elaborate on his feelings about the situation. Once he's starting to calm down, let him know what the other side of the issue is and ask him how he might be able to find a compromise. Or ask him if he has any ideas how to resolve his problem. If he doesn't have any ideas, suggest some and see if he likes them. If his ideas are unrealistic, ask him if he has any other ideas (brainstorming) and once he's got all the ideas he can think of, then talk about the merits and drawbacks of each.



Take karate. You'll learn how to block an attack while choosing exactly how much force to apply to the attacker, so you can choose to defend yourself without hurting him at all. You shouldn't have to put up with getting hurt by him.

Regarding actually managing the behavior, that depends on the context it occurs in. Is he doing this during a meltdown? If so, your focus should be on calming him down because he's too upset to control himself. Punishment for meltdown-related behavior is pointless. Try to get him somewhere away from throwable things and defend yourself with as little force as is needed, meanwhile doing whatever he tends to find calming. However, if he's doing this while relatively calm as an attempt to force you to do what he wants, then you should be firm and strict about it.

Lastly, I suggest you get him into counseling. He's been through a serious trauma, and he needs help to work this out. And the counselor may be able to advise you on how to manage his behavior. Look for a counselor experienced in dealing with grief issues. Experience with AS is a bonus, but not essential - most of the processes of grief are the same whether you're autistic or NT.

Thank you both for all of your suggestions, it has been very helpful.

Ettina, I am young, 25, and DH is 26.
Boo still does need some hand over hand instruction, but not with his personal cares. We started off with the "let me do it" approach, then "let me show you", then hand over hand at times. He is capable of doing the things we ask of him for sure, but when we have any doubt whatsoever we will ask if he is comfortable doing the task and if not what we can do to help/assist him, then check to make sure the task was done well. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that there's lack of exec function for him, which is why we keep check lists and hover over him sometimes, even though we know it makes him uncomfortable at times, it's necessary for us to do to assure that even his basic upkeep is kept, if you will. We are considering a smart phone for Xmas so that it will remind him instead of us being hovering overbearing evil siblings instead of helpful parents, if that makes sense.

I especially appreciate the advice about forcing social interaction from both of you! I have so many friends/family members telling me "just make him do it" or "just sign him up for it, he'll thank you later". I have never done this to him, and don't plan on it, but when you hear something so many times you start to wonder if that's what you're suppose to do, especially when it's coming from people who have their own children.

"Those with AS/HFA, while they often suffer from hypersensitivity, can have a very high tolerance for messes, un-done chores, and being dirty."

That truely couldn't be closer to the truth!! ! He has no problem being dirty or living in a dirty enviroment. Ugh! lol

Again, THANK YOU!

Hello Cpt. loo

I am afraid that I am somewhat busy today, so I can't write as long of a post as I usually would. But I thought I would try to provide some useful advice.

#1 I suggest you browse the forums and read some of the other threads. While the situations in other threads may not fit you exactly, you aren't the first person to come on these forums with these sorts of questions. There have been similar questions asked before and a lot of good advice out there, so please take the time to browse, as you will find a lot of good insight.

#2, If you are looking for a introduction to autism (basically autism 101) then I have a good book for you It is a free downloadable book called Congratulations, your child is strange, available at ASDStuff.com. It covers basic stuff like how to deal with the meltdowns (throwing/punching/etc.) as well as topics like socializing, discipline, etc. It isn't perfect (I am in the process of improving it), but it should provide you with some useful information to start with. Plus, the price is right.

First of all - I am always so heartened to hear about siblings taking care of their brothers and sisters with AS. It's not an easy thing you're doing, and you should be commended for even trying.

As for him being your "test child" be aware that this is kind of like learning to fly an F-117 in preparation for learning to drive a car. First of all, it sounds like he's an older teenager or at least an older child (I re-read but didn't catch his age) and parenting someone who's already been parented is difficult on a good day. AS is also tricky to parent, especially since one of the hallmarks is rigidity and you are asking him to completely change his way of living.

This is not to say that you're doing anything wrong; sounds like you are being extremely reasonable about it all: you are aware that asking your brother to change is no small task. This is more than many parents can say, and puts you ahead of the game. He needs to develop skills to live on his own, and living by house rules is one skill he'll need: ask yourself "will lacking this skill inconvenience him or be a real handicap" as a way to pick your battles.

Tracker's book is terrific, I highly recommend it. I've also tried to aggregate some posts here that may help you searching for what you need: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt166142.html I'd also recommend picking up some books by Tony Attwood, I've found them to be helpful in understanding not only what's going on but what the therapies are for it and what they do.

Please note: I AM NOT A PARENT. instead, I am a person who has lived the life of a person on the spectrum, am a generally good guy , am a writer and can easily remember my teenage years.

I also compliment you on taking care of a sibling.

Obviously, obviously, he has taken tremendous blows. The video games and web browsing may act like alpha state meditation and may be his way of taking a step back and a pause, giving him a place where he can start making sense of the world and putting things together.

He definitely needs to understand that hitting is not acceptable. If he's angry, he can say it verbally. And if he needs space and to be alone, he can say that verbally.

Any groups should be done with a light touch. In my experience, I have estimated that only about 1 out of 9 groups really work out, sometimes because the leaders are overcommitted and don't want to do anything more than the minimal, sometimes because the fellow members are 'over-peopled' with plenty of existing connections and aren't looking to meet new people, sometimes because I overtry and come on too strong, and probably for other reasons as well.

I too am impressed with your dedication to your brother.

To me, though, it sounds like his mother spoiled him and you are facing that plus oncoming puberty (grouchiness). Someone told me that if the kid can behave differently in a different situation, it is a behavioral problem. That has been my mantra.

To deal with any kid, you need firm and consistent instructions (with all parent figures being on the same page) and consequences for misbehavior. That is strict behavioral practice and it works. Hopefully your brother will understand the purpose of his life lessons and be guided by a desire to be independent.

I wish you much luck and patience.

I'm answering as an experienced but ever-learning parent.

A lot of the suggestions you'll get about parenting come from people who have forgotten what it was like, have different values from you or have never raised a hard-to-discipline child. Children and teens on the spectrum are harder to discipline. They need a simplified version of whatever set of expectations and approaches you decide to use.

One way of looking at it is that you're not trying to punish/reward behaviour, you are trying to teach skills, to someone who has more trouble acquiring these skills. So your job is to make it as easy as possible to learn the skills of self-care, anger management, social interactions, and so on. For any child, each skill takes years of practice and they still need reminders throughout early adolescence. You can reassure him that you know it's hard for him to remember to do x and y, and you're going to remind him. Try to remind him only once and then wait for an hour. Don't do a lot of lecturing, because that is not an effective way to teach (though lots of teachers haven't realized it yet!) Write it down. We got my 12-year-old a cell phone and texting instructions works really well: it keeps messages short and to the point.

I'll probably be unpopular with some parents for saying this, but I'm going to say it anyway. I don't think it's necessarily wrong to spend hours on video games. This is a particular interest of his, he gets enjoyment out of it, and it keeps him calm. Listening to music might do the same for other people; TV does it for me. It seems harsh to me to consider limiting or removing one of the few sources of joy he seems to have. He has been through so much that he probably is meeting genuine needs by doing this, and meeting needs is fundamental to growth and development.

Are there any opportunities for counselling that are affordable, perhaps through the school system (guidance counsellors are sometimes wonderful) or social services?

Good luck; you're doing an amazing job in very difficult circumstances.

J.

Thanks everyone, I truely feel not alone right now! Not only that, but I'm truely learning more and more about how tweak things to make everyone in our home happier and the days a little more easy-going. Postcards57, per Taylor's request, we are considering getting him a cell phone for Christmas. We a bit hesitant just because it's hard for us not to be over bearing, but he's getting to that age, I suppose! lol

"You can reassure him that you know it's hard for him to remember to do x and y, and you're going to remind him. Try to remind him only once and then wait for an hour."
I really never thought to wait for an hour, honestly. I'm a get it done kind of person, so when he sits and doddles it drives me insane! Even with the simple things like brushing his teeth, he wants to pet the cat, pet the dog, make me watch a Youtube snippit of something, look at a magazine.... everything but brush his frickin teeth! I will *really* try to keep this in mind as I attempt to work on allowing him "doddle time" when completing tasks.

AardvarkGoodSwimmer, I'm not sure how the video games/web assist him in his daily life exactly, but they really seem to somehow. My only concern is that it **seems** like if he spends too long on video games (2+ hours), then when I ask that he return to the real world, his attitude is even worse, which is why we TRY to limit him to 1 hour at a time or even 1 hour a day, so I'm not sure if limiting him is the right thing to do, but it makes his attitude a lot better sometimes. :/

You might be having trouble pulling him into reality from video games, because his reality sucks right now. Even though those 'life lessons' are important and you should continue with them you could also be reminding him of the fact that he is aging into the realities of adulthood without a mother or a father. Also remember that autistic people generally have some trouble with these self care skills, there may be some things you'd have to remind him to do for the rest of his life. I suppose the only thing I could ask you to do is just try and be more patient, a year or so is not enough to get over being orphaned, so some of his behaviour is probably because of that. He'll get better as he gets older.