Arrested for Domestic Violence

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My husband was arrested on the weekend for
1) breaking restraining order - I took this out 2 weeks ago to put boundaries in place
2) physically assaulting me - pushing and pinning me down
3) property damage - punching hole in the wall
He is due to go to court in a couple of weeks.

Husband was under the influence of alcohol at the time. Past history has proven that when he has been drinking, he will "lose it" very quickly over the slightest thing. He will also start to dwell on past issues and bring them up over and over again. His Aspergers was diagnosed 6 months ago. There is years of mis-communication and emotional damage between us.

He does not seem to get the severity of this situation. He admits he is embarrassed and appalled by his reactions but he does not see that his drinking is a big contributing factor. he will compare his punching a hole in the wall to me calling him selfish. He sees them at the same level of "abusive behaviour"
he did not believe me when I told him he would get a criminal record, so I gave him a number for the legal advice line to confirm this
I want my husband to take responsibility for his behaviour and there should be consequences to behaviour. However, I don't want to ruin his life and I am concerned the magistrate will perceive him as someone who lacks remorse and doesn't care rather than someone who has difficulty communicating and does not know what is expected. He has never been in trouble with the law before and he would be expecting others to perceive him as a good, hard-working and generous man

I'm sorry to hear about what you've been through this weekend.

I'd be much more concerned about the physical assault than the damage to a wall. Not to say that this is no big deal but I have often ( ) taken my anger out on things when overwhelmed emotionally as a release, and indeed this kind of activity is beyond my control when in such a state though even so I would stop at actually assaulting someone as I have very strong inhibitions against violence and have no urge (though I may appear threatening) to harm others.

My experience of being arrested was also precipitated by alcohol, though I'm by no means a regular drinker nor do I usually have any problems related to alcohol. I was however incredibly depressed and tried to harm myself with a rather large kitchen knife. Though I hadn't intended any harm to anyone but myself I was arrested for "common assault" since my partner told the Police that she felt threatened. It was one of the worst experiences of my life but fortunately I was eventually released without charge.

I was at a very low ebb at the time and the alcohol made me act very impulsively. It looks as though your husband has a problem with alcohol first and aspergers secondly so perhaps he needs to make dealing with that a priority.

I understand your dilemma, and I have spent my own time experiencing his.

However it happens, your husband will eventually have to come to see that his own approaches to dealing with certain challenges in life are unacceptable. It is not your responsibility to make that happen for him, but neither should you nor anyone else "enable" him to continue on in wrong ways by protecting him from the consequences for his actions.

I think if he can not be trusted to behave after drinking then he needs to avoid alcohol totally. He also needs to face up to what he has done.

why the hell do you care how the magistrate see's him. you have a restraining order in place so you obviously hate him and want him out of your life. jail is out of your life, sounds like you got what you want?

That is quite an assumption. A restraining or "personal protection" order does not automatically reveal either hatred or wanting someone out of one's life.

Most victims of domestic violence genuinely care about the abuser, but do not feel safe with them.

And for good reason - there's a stereotype that domestic abusers are one-dimensional bad guys, but really most of them are basically decent people who have very strong feelings and can't control how they show them. Doesn't make them any less dangerous, however.

Has your husband gotten treatment? There's some good research suggesting group therapy can be helpful for spousal abuse, and he may need substance abuse treatment as well.

How much does your husband know about AS? Has he explored what tends to set him off eg sensory overload, change in routines, being misunderstood, etc?

Wow... having been through something similar I can sympathize with the OP. However, I must say that worrying about ruining his life should be the last thing on your mind.

He's unstable and needs to fix himself. If it takes him hitting rock bottom, then so be it.

Then again, my abuser called me cold so what do I know?

It could also be that he feels like this when sober but it comes out more when he's drunk. I'd put a bet on something like this being the case.

Argentina: this guy is dangerous as I said earlier.

Don't let that man in your house again. The next time he comes to your house, call the cops on him.

I agree, as the most dangerous time for a victim of domestic violence is when they try to leave the abuser.

Husband lives in the house with me. I got a restraining order under the same roof. I did not want to kick my husband out in the street and neither would the law have granted this. Husband has no friends, family or stable job. he does not even have his own bank account and requires assistance to get his life set-up. he has significant executive functioning issues and always has.
He has worked very hard over the years to manage his impulse controls and has been utilising these strategies successfully for some years. however, he does not implement these strategies when he drinks alcohol.
the reason i took the restraining order was to set boundaries and show our children that this sort of behaviour will not be tolerated.
husband was only diagnosed 6 months ago. it explained everything, but the realisation of how we have misunderstood each other over the years is difficult to come to terms with.
only in the last month has he started to read and understand about aspergers.

I do not believe he is dangerous in general. he does not try to control me on a day-to-day basis. what happens is he will drink alcohol, get stressed about the rubbish overflowing or something similar, start criticising me about it and we end up arguing and things escalate from there.

he has just been offered a traineeship through a disability employment agency. i am absolutely certain he poses no risk to anyone else in society and i do not wish to ruin his future. i have taken the legal route because i cannot manage his issues on my own and he needs to hear from those in authority what is acceptable and what is not. i don't think he really believes a lot of what i say about rules, regulations and normal expectations in our society.

To outsiders, the answers can seem simple. but the reality is that a range of issues impact on what decisions we can and cannot make. in my circumstances it is safety, medical issues, financial issues, family/friends support, well-being of my kids and empathy towards my husband who was never diagnosed and spent 45 years being victimised by others.

how well do you treat your husband?

are you taking care of his physical needs in the relationship?

do you nag him?

why don't you leave this situation? the way you describe it, you sound like a saint. which makes me rather skeptical of the story we are seeing here.

You are not ruining his life, and you are not responsible for how a magistrate (or anyone else) perceives him. Your husband is responsible for his actions, and responsible for his choices to drink and lose control.

The answer really is very simple, no matter how impartial or how one-sided the account that you have portrayed: Do you want to continue living under one roof in a relationship with this man, for the rest of your life?

haha, it's pretty hard to be in somebodys life if you have to be 50 feet away at all times Also restraining orders in my country come with a phone element which means no contact so thats what i'm assuming here. Just admit it's over and move on with your life and never think of him again. You can't be with him but you can't let him go, i think you should get a life.

i have to confess i find this thread disturbing. there's clearly a reason why argentina sticks around, perhaps her aspie husband owns the house or has some other thing which she will need and lose if she leaves with the kids.

fellow aspies : if you find yourself in a situation with a person like the OP, i'd suggest you end the relationship and find a way to re-build yourself a new life far away. don't get caught in this kind of codependence. this entire thing seems incredibly toxic.