Self-loathing (or self-hatred)

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Here is an explination of what self-loathing is from my perspective:

- Self-loathing is very life hindering.

- One does not choose self-loathing.

- People can't turn a switch and begin to love oneself after you tell them to do so. They have not just forgotten the importance of loving oneself.

- It is very painful.

- It can exist even whilst the person does like many things about themselves.

- It can go unnoticed.

- Self-loathing can be caused by abuse (particularly childhood abuse) even though the sufferer can fully, logically understand that the abuse was not their fault.

- Self-loathing can be and very possibly will be ignored by medical professionals.

- It is quite common in those with ASD, but is by no means a required symptom for diagnosis.


I'll add more if I think of any more.

- Self-loathing can be an automatic reaction which can prevent or mask over unwanted emotions* considered to be worse or cause worse problems.

* e.g attraction to others

It's a product-of/cause-of Clinical Depression (aka Major Depressive Disorder)

It's helped by learning that the "dumb" things Aspies do are a result of the Asperger's, not indicative of being a "bad" or "stupid" person in general.

Yeah that about sums it up...and I do experiance it. And yes people try to say oh come on just feel better about yourself. And I have to wonder how the hell to even do that.

This is one thing I choose not to feel.

So I do have an on/off switch when it comes to self-loathing.

I always thought that NTs were more likely to fall prey to this.

I can definitely see that people on the spectrum have many reasons to feel this, though.

For me it just feels like a waste of time, and I also don't have enough self-awareness on an ongoing basis to perpetuate the self-loathing...I do reflect objectively on myself from time to time and am usually not at all satisfied with myself as a person, but I all think about is improving. I can't dwell on it, I honestly don't care that much.

I feel the same way about being jaded. I feel like I can't REALLY become jaded, I guess. I feel it for very short periods of time and then it just diminishes.

Nuerotypicals have self loathing too a lot! My NT mother pretty much hates herself.

Self-loathing is caused by people giving you odd looks in the street when you're just walking along being normal like everyone else and wearing nice clothes and looking nice in your general appearance. This is mostly common in young females who just want to know that they look nice

Self-loathing comes from not trusting yourself, for example saying the wrong things, doing the wrong things, making big mistakes in your life, getting involved in the wrong people

Self-loathing comes from people who say ''stop following me'' when you're just trying to be friendly

I hate myself. I hate my skin colour, I hate my hair colour, I hate my eye colour, I hate my height, I hate my personality, I hate my appearence, I hate my posture, I hate my name, and most of all, I hate my brain.

I'd like to have tanned skin, with dark brown or black hair, and lovely big brown eyes, and average for a woman, and confident and sociable, and pretty, and able to stand up right, and a much nicer name. With tanned skin, you don't put sunburnt so easily, like you do with pale skin and freckles, like me. And dark hair is better than my colour hair. I'd either like to be really blond or really dark. Not in between. It's a horrible greasy colour, even though my hair is always washed. And I'd like brown eyes. I think they'd suit me better. Sometimes your eye colour can make a big difference. And I'd like to be a bit shorter - around 5 foot 2 or 5 foot 3. You can blend in crowds better, and hide away more, whereas when you're taller than average for a woman, you are noticed more. I don't like the thought of my head poking out the top of a crowd of other women and shorter men. I like to feel ''small and cute''. I'm not going to start ranting about my personality, because I hate everything about it. I'll shut up now.

Most aspies who are now over 40 --that is, those of us who grew up before Aspergers was a recognized diagnosis and were never diagnosed until adulthood--sometimes at midlife or beyond--had a lot of self-hatred inculcated into us. Because no one knew what we were, we were considered the authors of our own misfortunes. If we had no friends, it was because we were not trying to make them , because we were stuck-up or because we were weird. If we misbehaved at school it was because we chose not to follow the rules like everyone else. If we could not find or keep a job, it was because we were no-good lazy bums. if we could not get dates, it was because we were unattractive, too fat, too skinny, or did not know how to dress, etc. We blamed ourselves for our own screw-ups. All my life I felt that I had to apologize to my parents, teachers, bosses and other people in general for not being a "normal" person, and not having the personal or professional successes that "normal" people have. It was only after I was diagnosed as an aspie that I was able to forgive myself. Some wise French lady once said that to understand all is to pardon all. Understanding yourself is the basis for self-love. I think it must be much easier today for aspies who were diagnosed as children or teenagers to accept themselves. unlike us, they always know what is "wrong" with them.

Self-loathing also comes from knowing you look unconfident and stupid without even trying to be. I get this impression because people keep pushing in front of me in shops - even though I'm trying to look. But nobody pushes my friend - they either go round another way if she's blocking one way, or say ''excuse me'' and that's it. So it goes to show that I must look unconfident and stupid, doesn't it - otherwise people wouldn't push in front of me.

It's not me imagining that I look stupid. It's seeing evidence that I am stupid by the behaviours of other people towards me. It makes me feel very upset and so I hate myself even more. If I knew how to like myself, I will try at it, but I don't quite know where to start. Even if I told myself I like myself starting tomorrow, I would still have self-loathing feelings inside. I don't know how to change them because I've hated myself for as long as I can remember.

Flaws, Flaws, Appearance, Flaws, Disabilities, Flaws, Posture, Flaws, Failures, Body Language, Flaws, Facial features, Flaws, Emotions, Flaws, Obsessive behaviour, Flaws...Some of the most common things that I find lingering in my troublesome head/mind all hours of the day and long hours of the disrupted night. For some reason, in whatever I tend to do and say the pride-side always seems invisible to my own thoughts and feelings, no matter how hard I try I will always see myself and take my actions as part of a big screw up. Something that went wrong will always remain wrong, until something inside of me suddenly makes me open my eyes to the whole reality of it all I guess I would always remain a self-loather. Back during my younger years I can sort of remember always having an open imagination, I would love and optimise about everything I would do and I would appreciate being here on earth as a unique individual. I know I may have been to young to understand about these types of feelings but at least I was happy, unlike now. It's like with me and these once in a lifetime opportunities I keep reclining all because of the hatred I had towards myself, I could have taken up the chance to learn animation from an actual cartoonist, I could have had the chance to become a student DJ, I could have had a chance to finally make something of myself, but no, I just had to ignore my wishes!

I could be such a downer pessimist sometimes...

No change that...I AM one....

It is also caused by feeling other people's problems is your fault. Like my brother is not on the spectrum but suffers from a lot of depression, low self-esteem, poor self-image, lacks confidence, and can't get a girlfriend. I have read in many different books and sites that siblings of those on the spectrum can adopt some ASD characteristics, as though having a sibling on the spectrum affects the other close family members too. ASD seems to be that contagious, if you ask me. So sometimes that makes me feel like I hate myself for it.

Also when my mum announces how stress she is, I kind of feel I am part of the problem. A mum will always worry about her children, adult or not, and because I'm that bit more immature for 23, I feel she worries more about me than an average mum would with a 23-year-old son or daughter, because I bring on unique stress and worries.

Also I remember when I was a child, my mum used to get on to my dad because he spent a lot of time out at the pub in the evenings, and I used to feel it was because he wanted to get away from me. Not because of neglecting or loss of love, but because I might of been too difficult to handle and felt he had to get away. I also felt it was my fault when my parents split up when I was 14, because of how difficult I was.