To all the high functioners

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The kind of people on here who think they know how people work, who offer advice on threads and such...I read a lot of threads on here and don't understand why some of you aren't getting far in life, at least in how relationships are concerned.

What are you doing on here? What use is this forum to you? Do you only go on here when you're feeling down, or do you just like offering advice? Do you contradict your own advice IRL?

Simples.

As some of the people on this website are unable to manage face-to-face relationships, we're unable to get on in life: evolution has ensured that NTs consider those of us who don't do eye contact can be a little shifty.

That's the thing. Eye contact is so simple. Just look at people as if they're objects, or inbetween their eyes. I don't understand how that's hard. Having said that, I've never had a problem with eye contact. I think eyes are beautiful.

It can't just be eye contact, surely. More answers, please.

I'd like to hear from others who have been able to find a measure of success and satisfaction in any area of life - maybe on their own terms. What did it take?

Knowing how people work is only half the battle (well, actually it's less, more like 10 percent) The other half is putting it into practice, and actually wanting to do so. I do get a sense that you want to start a fight of some sort (What are you doing on here? Are you hypocrites in real life? You THINK you know how people work) maybe because you don't know what you are doing, or because you are jealous or whatnot. The best advice is to put yourself out there and see what happens, because it's the only way to learn about it, and the only way anyone ever has. Heck, for that matter it's the only way to learn anything about anything. So, to answer your questions:

What am I doing on here? I joined at the end of last year, and I have Asperger's...so yeah.

What use is this forum to me? Most of the time, people here have interesting things to say. Because there are interesting people with interesting things to say (aside from the whiners and the people you describe, and I know some of the people you mean) it helps me think of interesting things to say. That's good because it helps keep my writing skills sharp.

Do I go on here when I'm feeling down, or do I like offering advice? I go on here when I'm bored. I have an Internet addiction, and I get bored easily. I do give advice (against my better judgment sometimes, but we all do that) and when I care about what I'm saying, the purpose is to offer a different point of view. When I don't care about what I'm saying, the purpose is to make myself look good, and obviously that's only going to make me look bad. But hey, at least I don't delude myself. I'm as guilty as most people with that sort of thing.

Do I contradict myself IRL? Of course I do! Everyone does! Generally speaking, I don't, but I do contradict myself all the time. In fact, the less I'm worried about others, the more I can be consistent, not just because I'm focusing on me, but because I can't contradict my advice since I'm not giving any. Hah! BOOYAH!

Thanks for your replies so far. Mindslave, I'm not here to start a fight. I never said I knew how people worked - if I did then I wouldn't be here. I feel like I'm almost there with being able to communicate with NTs, but something is holding me back, and I'm trying to find my answer on here. And it's the summer holidays.

I guess I've just answered my own question above, but meh, would be interesting to see why others are here.

To spend time online with other aspies.

I'm here because sometimes the process of writing things out helps me learn it, helps me form connections and so forth. And because there's interesting stuff here.

Been married for a while. This marriage thing is hard... but sooo worth it when it works.

I don't know that I'm high functioning per se...but also don't believe I am low functioning either. Somewhere in between.

First of all, I don't have all the answers. I come on here to glean advice from others as I read.

Secondly, dealing with AS is a process. For a few years after my diagnosis, I didn't visit WP though I knew it existed. It was during this time that I realized dealing with AS wouldn't be solved over night...that it would be a process of years. Visiting, and being a part of the community here at WP is part of that process for me.

What does that process look like for me? It goes from being unable to notice signs of flirting, being unable to get a first date, to getting a second date, to navigating a relationship. Right now, I'm somewhere between getting a second date and navigating relationships. Once I'm in a relationship, there'll be a whole host of new issues to deal with.

The fact that I have a pretty good understanding of myself and, I think, of others helps...but it isn't a panacea, especially for someone with AS because my body betrays my intentions.

Finally, I give advice, especially to younger members, because I wish I had known at 20 what I know now. I wish I had had a diagnosis at 20 -- I'd be so much further along in life. Knowing you have AS at a young age is such a gift in knowledge, and I don't think some here realize that gift. It allows you to work on aspects of yourself that need help.

My question to others here: You've actually been given good advice...why are you here if not to take that advice? If you're determined not to change aspects of yourself, why are you here?

edit: I should qualify 'change'...I don't mean becoming someone you're not. By change, I mean enhancing the person you are. It is good to be yourself...but, if you're like me, that 'self' is hidden by a bunch baggage.

I like helping people. TBH, I'm single because I just ended a 10 year relationship. I've learned a lot over the years, and especially these past few months since separating from my ex husband.

If my insights can help someone else, then I see no reason not to share.

Because with people, only a minority want to change who they are. Changing who you are requires a lot of strength and the ability to question your own deepest beliefs. People react and get defensive as soon as you start questioning them. People are determined to have their own personality (with the insecure ones things like opinionatedness and arrogance is born), and questioning it would destroy its foundations. People are more scared of knowing nothing, which is ironic.

I think that acting lessons helped me. One of the most basic methods of acting is to imagine how some other actor might handle the role. Some of the actors that I've tried to emulate in social situations include Humphrey Bogart, Leonard Nimoy, Michael Shanks, and John Wayne.

By "emulate", I do not mean "impersonate"; I mean that when in a situation where I must give a lecture on some process or piece of technology (for example), I might ask myself, "How would Daniel Jackson handle this?" (Dr. Daniel Jackson is a Michael Shanks character). Then I try to behave the same way that I've seen the character behave on TV; in this case, I would fidget with my glasses, frown at the floor, focus on my PowerPoint, and occasionally glance at my audience. No one catches on, and people praise me for my presentation skill.

Then I go into the loo, throw up from the stress, and get back to my regular work.

Yes, acting definitely helped me, too.

For me, eye contact with strangers just seems very inappropriate. When doing so, it feels like I'm being very, invasive and violating a person's inner being almost.

I suppose based on my material success I could be regarded as "high-functioning" I have been living independently and 100% self-supporting since I was 17, and currently make a pretty decent living with my own business.

My social functioning is a completely different story though - I am not proud to admit it, but since I've been divorced and became self-employed, WP is the only venue I have for socializing with anyone outside of my professional relationships. It's sad, but certainly better than what I had before, which was absolutely nothing.

So naturally, that's why I'm here.

So you say you are almost there? Where are you at the moment? I'm assuming you mean communicating in person. Communicating over mediums such as the Internet, text message, and other informal means of communication is always difficult, because they are extensions of communication, not primary means of communication. If that becomes the norm (which it has) then people will lost the ability to communicate in a natural way (which is happening and is only getting worse)

There was a time where I was "almost there", and eventually I got "there", but I've since regressed. I can't speak for you, but for me the thing that was holding me back was that I didn't have a direction for my life. When I got a direction for my life (a career path) socializing became 10 times easier for me, because up until that point I had spent nearly all my time learning about socializing, but because it was my primary focus, I couldn't take the final step. It's sort of how if you throw a baseball at FULL STRENGTH, it won't go as fast as if you relax and throw it as hard as you can without trying to dislocate your shoulder, and it also won't go as smooth. Getting too emotionally involved in something clouds judgment, and with something like communication, which is all about emotion, it's imperative that it is driven on instinct, not on trying to establish a connection. Doing, not trying. When I'm playing tennis, I play well when I just hit the ball, and I'm hitting the ball and playing the game, not playing my opponent and what I think he is going to do, because I can't control my opponent, I can only control the ball. This is hard for me to do consistently. I no longer have a career path or a direction for my life, and so my social skills have regressed by quite a bit. The best part is that I know what to do at this point, I just don't know how to handle it because there are too many things I feel I have to worry about. When my life was in order, and I was organized, socializing was much easier and much simpler, and not scary, because I didn't have a stake in the outcome.