I miss my ex. We had a three year relationship and went through a lot together. We met because we were both targets of the same scumbag con artist. During the time we were together we both got diagnosed with AS. I was diagnosed first, but he had been unofficially diagnosed with autism years before. We became very very close. We spent every day together and even when he was away he would call me at least five times a day. We were really never apart for three years. We lived together and then I got pregnant, out of choice, and we had a miscarriage at 5 1/2 months. There were already quite a few little and perhaps not so little problems with the relationship. He was unable to express emotions. I am a very emotional person, although I do lack emotional depth or what otherwise might be called intelligence in some ways. I get so emotional in big ways that I fail to pick up on NTs more subtle expressions and feelings. If emotions are crayons I am the crayon box with a few colors missing, put it that way. In a way we were well suited to each other, but also fated for disaster.
To make a long story short, as I have already written elsewhere in this forum, he was unable to verbally express or respond to other people's emotions. He couldn't validate any of my feelings about the miscarriage. In fact he was very dismissive in his opinions about emotions and shallow in his responses, and this increased after the we lost the baby. This led to a downward spiral and we are now broken up for good.
He has gone on with his life as though NOTHING happened. I haven't talked to him except once when he called me, and then I basically told him I didn't want to hear from him again under the circumstances. Knowing him as I do I know that he will respond to our break up by being Mr. Happy-Happy-Happy. For example my ex immediately moved in with this creepy guy who lives off the avails of prostitution. My ex is doing a lot of various drugs and just having what he considers to be a really good time with the creep he lives with. I'm sure he rarely thinks of me, except what a miserable person that I became. He couldn't even comprehend my grief over the miscarriage. I couldn't comprehend his emotional flatness and shallow responses. I was so angry at him because of his emotional flatness that I felt this smouldering rage constantly. I allowed his lack of emotion to make me rage and this turned me into a very bitter resentful person. He started going off with the creepy friend to various events and I was not included, even though I would have refused even if I was included just because I consider hanging to with people like his friend an insult to my integrity and dignity as a human being.
I still miss him because I remember that before the miscarriage we were very close in many ways, although there were the problems. He would tell me he loved me about ten times a day. We would watch movies or fall asleep holding hands. He would send me emails that expressed his love and how lucky we were to be together. On and on, but I wonder now if those sentiments actually meant anything to him at all. We were going to get married and his parents were going to pay for wedding.
It's hard at times but I know am better off without him. It feels like I have cut out one of my own kidneys though at times. And yet, I do KNOW he is an ASS and I don't mean AS ... I cannot live with a shallow man who is as blank as he is who thinks it is okay to live the lifestyle he is living now.
I wish him well. Maybe he will meet a "nice girl" who doesn't mind that he does drugs rather than feel his emotions and doesn't mind that he lives with a pimp who pays his way everywhere.
But I am getting over it, everyday. I think sometimes we love people but they are really bad for us, as he was for me, despite the good times.
Thanks for letting me rant about missing him.
I did another thread on this subject. If people are getting tired of reading my posts about this I hope they will understand and just ignore my posts. I am a very emotional person and it is hard for me to get over someone, even when I know he is not a good person for me I still miss him.
10 Sep 2006, 10:03 am
She went to a youth club for autistic teenagers with me, and I'll always think of her as one of my best friends. She's so much fun to be around, and we always used to chat for ages on the minibus on the way to youth club, and we both would sing along to her discman (always Linkin Park, the last I heard of her she was a major fan) at the tops of our voices.
