Alter-Egos

Post Reply New Topic

See, I realized that I don't know who I am. I have put on a mask my entire life to try to appeal to others, especially my own family. Now I have to start all over again, now I have to find myself. I have many personalities, off the top of my head their is; The Content: Blank, Neither Happy or Sad, His Only Reason for Doing Something Is Because He "Felt Like It"; Grievous: Cynical, Hurt, Constantly Analyzing, Hates Human Contact, Logical, Very Analytical, Angry; Blue: Sensitive, Sentimental, Reminiscent, Naive, "Human"; Black: Depressed, Hates Human Contact, Hates Everything, Doesn't Care, Angry; The Level: This Guy Is Here the Majority of the Time, Hurt, Analytical, Everyone is Equal, Nothing is True, Everything is Permitted, Logical, Rational.
All those guys take over individually everyday, a lot. There's more but I cannot think of them right now.
The thing that all those guys have in common is that they don't know how to feel emotion, they have no memories, only facts. A want for a purpose that will mean something, and a need to prove themselves.
I don't even know where to start to look for my real self, I'm just a scattered mess of Alter-Egos.

Anybody else like this? Anyone have an idea of where I can start? I'm looking at it like a blank canvas if that helps.

Many people find going away to the wilderness alone for some time is transformational. If you like nature. Changing your surroundings is a good way to start the ball rolling. You're probably in a mental rut and need a change of perspective. The same surroundings and routines as always lead to having the same thoughts and habits as always. Try to find spiritual people to talk to, or spiritual books to read. Even if you don't agree with them, they'll start you on thinking about things differently.

I can relate, although this sentence "The thing that all those guys have in common is that they don't know how to feel emotion, they have no memories, only facts." strikes me as false in my case, I was always emotional.

I tend to mimic other people's mannerism and thinking. I have been told to "build" a personal style and stick with it, but honestly, it's not something that comes easily. I always try to copy others just to fit in better. Perhaps I'm more myself now as I'm over 38, but still feel my personality is not stable, my attitudes, feelings towards others and things vary on a timescale of months.

It's the reason I have a problem with a lot of those personality quizzes. I really don't know how to answer some of the questions, because I don't know who I am. My result for Myers-Briggs was INTJ, but I'd say I'm actually a shy extrovert, who has come to enjoy limited social contact as an adult. I have the 'what I should have said' conversations in my head constantly and think that's what I'll say next time, but it never happens. There are a select few (less than 5) people who know the real me. The best personality thing I found was on WP. Here's the link: http://cdn.wrongplanet.net/postt166726.html

I fit to them all. Im just not only one of them. Its too easy, so it doesnt describe me. Maybe thats what you call instable? Im through with trying to build a personality, I try to be honest to myself and still I show all traits.

I've always been plagued by identity issues. Specifically, feeling like I don't have one. Like I'm just a blank slate that puts on different masks throughout the day. I hate being asked to describe myself because I have no idea what to say. I don't think it's a coincidence that my two favorite writers are Philip K. Dick and Patricia Highsmith, two people who wrote almost obsessively about identity confusion.

Ive always been behind a mask until i was 14 then i began being extreemly machiavellic, logicaly thinking, radical opinions such as genetic cultivation, reproductional cloning and technocratic governments.

I was always seen as a quiete, polite and little kid with a high iq. All wrong except the latter

That is the danger in going along with the NT act... you don't have time to discover who you yourself are. Eventually you realize that with all the masks you've been wearing, there's not much underneath.

I was lucky enough to realize that I should decide things for myself at a fairly young age--around eleven years old. I learned that being an outcast is much easier than becoming neurotic trying to fit in. I guess it's a lot harder for people who live through their teens constantly trying to live up to the ought-to of their society (gotta get a girlfriend, gotta wear the right clothes, can't talk about your hobby, got to be accepted, can't look freaky, got to talk like everybody else)... If you get teased for being weird, but you know you're weird and know it isn't a bad thing, then the teasing doesn't really affect you that much. Whereas, if you've absorbed the idea that weird=bad, then it can be really hurtful.

But I guess it's hard to realize that there can even be a different set of standards than your culture's dominant values. A lot of people just seem to take it for granted that the common preferences are truth-by-consensus.

I went through a period of going through my social masks and trying to figure out who I was - realizing I did not know who I was, and how much energy I had tied up in trying to portray someone other than myself, was a huge revelation. I don't really go for the masks so much anymore, and I have a better grasp of who I am now.

Apparently, it's common for autistic adults to have this kind of realization, although I don't know how common. I know several others have mentioned it here.