Alone

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I've had suicidal thoughts since 12 years old, but for the last year or two, my life has seemed more and more hopeless and I've been moving closer to actually killing myself. One of the only things keeping me going was the love of my brother and the hope that we would go through with our plans of getting a place together that we've had for a few years now. I went to North Carolina (from Maine) to get a place with him, and to make a long story short I went there under false pretenses (there was a girl involved), things didn't work out and I had to come back. The whole situation was unfair for me, and I feel like my brother turned his back on me. He was the only person left in this world that I trusted and could confide in, and even though he didn't understand me he was always there to tell me not to give up and that things will get better. I feel like he's abandoned me and I truly feel alone in this world now. I can barely finish typing this because I'm crying and I haven't cried since I was a kid. I love him so much and he really hurt me I never thought he would betray me like this. Without his support I really don't feel like I can push on, and my life is more hopeless than ever. I can no longer find any reason to go on with my miserable existence but when I hold a loaded shotgun to my chin (that's not a metaphor) I can't bring myself to pull the trigger. I still think about him and how he would feel if if I blew my brains out but I can no longer stand the hell that I live in. I wish I would die in my sleep so that I don't have to kill myself. I know I sound pathetic but I need to get this off my chest and I no longer have anyone to turn to. I don't expect anyone here to give me a magic answer, or even a good reason to wake up in the morning. I guess it helps a little to know that somebody might listen. I'm tired of trusting people too much, and I wish that just once in my life someone would care about me as much as I cared about them.

I agree with you - I'm tired of trusting too much too, and giving more than I get. My situation is different - it's an ex-boyfriend I kept wishing would change, long story, but I feel betrayed.

Also my sister who I leaned on through many earlier years of depression - now that the depression has returned to almost it's worst - I can't even talk to her like I used to. Either she's too busy or she has a family member interrupting her taking all her attention. Om

In the past I had school to look forward to - when I, then I....but now I have an MBA and am on disability.

So thanks to you for listening, and thanks for putting up the post.

Sorry I don't have a better answer now, but I listened, and I understand the complete pain and horror of trusting someone so much, giving them everything, and being betrayed.

Please write again. I'll listen.

wow.... thats really... not good..

I'm really sorry to read how you felt about all this. I can't imagine what it would be like if my brother turned his back on me... THat's harsh...

I know I probably wont say anything that helps at all, but.. you can always messege me on this if it gets too bad. Heck if you can't talk to your brother, and don't really have anyone to turn to, you might as well have someone here you can turn to. I don't know a 100% way to solve your problem, heck I doubt I'm helping now. THe only way I can relate to a situation like this was when I accidentally did something without realising it, got yelled at by a friend, and wanted to kill myself, cos I felt like complete crap. I didn't realise how I was treating them, taking them away from thier friends, heck taking them out of lessons when it was exams time.. I didn't realise what I was doing.. I nearly lost the best friend I ever had.. and I wanted to kill myself becaus eI couldnt' stand the thought of acting like this towards otehr people. So now I'm trying my hardest to help out who I can, when I can.

Feel kinda alittle like this? (See below)
WOLF.
I am colored gray as a cloud,
My voice can often be heard aloud,
Sometimes however I do not talk,
Alone I walk,
My life is a storm everyday,
Why's it have to be this way?
Alone I live and alone I'll die,
I am the lone wolf, hear me cry!
The others have forgotten me already,
I'm barely a shadow in thier memories,
Before I die, before my life should end.
If I could have one thing, it'd be a true friend.
...I am the lone wolf in a storm.
^Poem I wrote.

I'm afraid you're right when you say I may not be able to give you a magic answer or a reason to get up in the morning, but my brother is depressed, every now and then he says... things.. but thats jsut his depression talking. I've helped some people on Yahoo answers, as I seem to understand most of thier situations. (on Yahoo answers I'm ''Screaming Wolf (Wolfie)'' ) but I dont' think I've helped them majorly or anything.

All I can say is I hope you start fo feel better soon, and if you want someone to talk to, I might take a day or 2 to get round to replying, but you can talk to me if you like. I may not understand how you feel exactly, but heck I'll listen eitehr way. SOrry I probably wasn't much help or anything, also sorry for typos.

that's really sad... I'm not very good at pick-me-ups but I'll say what I'm thinking.

Please please don't hurt yourself. No human life is worth losing, no matter how down you feel about yourself. Remember that no matter how much the world screws you over you will always have friends here on WP

In your darkest moments, think of us, and how sad it would be for us if we lost you In here, and in the world, even if it seems like we/they don't care, there will be people who do, it's just that care and love are very difficult to make known for some people.

I don't know what to really say either BoBTheCat, my cousin was the closest thing to a brother I had and we ended up having a blow up that I interpreted along the lines of him saying he didn't need me. Caused us not to talk for years and he was the closest peer that I had growing up. (He had a lot of issues with his parents that made him go through a tough time)

I know its not the same but I think you know at the very least he'd be sad and as Davuardo and some others mention there are some people who you can talk to here if you need people who will listen and can somewhat or totally relate.

Its okay to cry about it. You're not pathetic at all, just a person having a bad experience that can get better with time even if it doesn't seem that way right now.

What happened with your brother sounds really horrible You don't sound pathetic at all to me: Everybody cries and everybody needs support and people they can trust.

I think anybody would be upset by such a huge letdown--especially when it involves betrayal of trust. For somebody who's already struggling, it would just be that much more painful.

Try to remember that there are people out there who care about you and want to support you however they can. And even though I imagine it's really hard to see, if you can make it through the worst of times like this another opportunity for things to get better will come along, one that will actually work out.

Thanks for the replies, it helps just to know someone's listning. It's usually hard for me to talk about the things that really bother me, but writing helps me and I feel a little better getting that off my chest. I hope things get better with me and my brother, but things will never be the same between us and he's not returned my calls since I came back. It feels like he doesn't give a s**t about me right now, and that's hard for me to deal with on top of the rest of the s**t in my pile. I like your poem OrangeWolfie and I can deffinately relate to it.

well.. my poem's exactly how I felt a few years ago. I guess most people go through a stage like that at some time in their life, where everything seems to have turned to crap, I know I have..

You just gotta remember, ''YOu may feel like a lone wolf, but there's more than one wolf in the world. No one is truely alone'' ... SOrry, Wolves are like my favorite animal, and if I was an animal, everyone I know says I'd be a wolf.

Anyways, if anymore bothers you and you wanna post anymore, I'll be here to listen, probably as well as everyone else who's posted here